She did it.
She finally left him.
My phone rang at 6am this morning. It was Tiffany. The quiet, meek voice that had taken her over for 2 years now gone, the strong, confident woman I know back on the line.
"I did it. I left him. I moved out at 2am last night. I refuse to do it anymore."
Relief.
After over a year and a half of not knowing where her husband was each night, drunken fights at 2am, cheating, piles of hidden disgusting porn, disrespect, and no concern for her feelings, she had had enough. Just last week he promised to change for the baby in her belly. It look exactly 4 days for him to go right back to what he was doing. Little did he know, she went and actually got separation papers last week because she knew he wouldn't change.
She is filing them today. Calling her lawyer today.
She is past the point of being sad that her marriage is over, she has watched it die as she furiously tried to keep it alive for the past 2 years. She is just angry now. At that point where she feels stupid for putting herself in the position she is in. He had her fooled. He has us all fooled that he was a good guy. He never drank like that before, never looked at other women, was respectful of her feelings. Then the facade disappeared for good a few weeks after the wedding.
She has support. Mine, her mothers, her fathers, her sister, her brothers, her other friends. She has plenty of doors open to her now.
Im proud that she is finally standing up for herself again. I am happy that my strong friend is back...she was just sleeping inside her. Her baby woke her back up.
And she told me "Thank you for always being there and telling me the truth."
She is going to be the best mother ever.

I have been so super busy, that I haven't been able to post anything in a while...other than my rant. I try not to do that too often, so you all get a break for a while.

New developments.
Kevin had a job interview last thursday with a tool and dye company. He called the owner monday and was told that he probably wouldn't hear anything till after the holidays because he was so busy, but that Kevin was his first choice and he was still mulling over what to offer him paywise. This is fantastic news! Most of the people that work there make between 18-22 and hour. This makes Haley happy. The work schedule is also set up in such a way that kevin can still go to school. He will work 4 12 hour shifts thurs, fri, sat, and sun.
Kevin actually went and signed up for 13 credit hours on thursday as well. Im quite proud. He starts school the 13th. I hope he sticks with it!

We have also been working diligently on our bookshelf project for our nephew, Turner. It is a bookshelf that Grandpa Steinbauer made. We can't do everything to it that we originally wanted, but nonetheless, it will still look nice and clean and neutral enough that he can hold on to it his entire life. I will be happy when it is done. Christmas Eve is tomorrow and we really wanted to be able to give it to him then.

I got into a pair of jeans I haven't worn in over a year. This makes me very, very, very, very, very, very ,very happy. My journey there continues.

I hope you all have a wonderful break and get to spend ample times with your families and the ones you love!

Teenage love

You know those commercials about the "when does caring become abuse" where the boy is constantly texting his girlfriend while dressed up like a giant cellphone...you know the one "nude pics. send some."
Well, what happens when it isn't just texting...and when it isn't the boy trying to control the girl, but the girl controlling the boy?
Im worried about my youngest brother, Jake. He has been seeing a girl for a little over a year now. Jake is 19...this girl, Bridget, is 16...just turned 16. She is the most manipulative, bipolar, slutty, controlling, disrespectful little girl I have ever met.
My brother is not the brother that I know. He is a shell of himself...completely devoid of the person he once was, now just a slave to her. He isn't allowed to have any friends and therefore has none. His old best friend, Dawson, talks to me and is constantly worrying about Jake. He misses him, but no matter how many times he calls or texts, he gets no response back. And it's not just friends. When Jake worked for the same company as my husband, he called off so much and left early so many times because Bridget would call with a "migraine" and "NEED" him, that he lost his job there. He told my mom that he quit, but in reality, they fired him...it destroyed the relationship between Jake and Kevin. Now, Jake hardly sees his family. He comes home from her house and goes straight upstairs to talk on the phone with her until he goes to bed. He isn't happy, but he won't leave.
She has him beat down...convinced that he isn't good enough, worthless, unwanted. Jake is the last person I ever thought this would happen to. Jake is beautiful...I mean, gorgeous. Everytime I show someone his picture, the first thing they say is how attractive he is an they immediately either want his number (if they are younger) or want to know if he is single (if they are older, for their daughters.) He was approached by Abercrombie to model...did he, no-she wouldn't let him.
He had a learning disability all through school and was always down on himself about that, and I think she has exposed this side of him more and made him believe that he isn't worth anything. It drives me crazy.
I sat and talked with my mom and stepdad for 3 hours last night about it. They are so concerned and at a loss of what to do anymore. They are afraid they are losing their son. I watched as my mom teared up and my stepdad (who I have NEVER seen cry) held back tears and choke up as he told me how scared he was.
Her family is crazy. Her mother is bipolar (literally) and the father has no backbone. Bridget is made to have no responsibilities and is given everything she wants whether the family can afford it or not. She believes that the world revolves around her. He older brother had 2 children and another on the way that he has nothing to do with. He had a dishonorable discharge from the navy and is a coke addict. He is a waste of breath. He thought it was funny to teach his oldest son to call his new dad, a black man, a nigger to his face. Nice guy, huh. Worthless. Her younger brother, who is 9, calls his mother a bitch on a daily basis and tried to stab her. What did the mother do? Nothing, just left the room crying. No punishment, no talk about it afterwards, nothing. Her mother thinks it is completely ok to have Jake listed as Bridget's emergency contact on her school card.
The way she dresses is beyond ridiculous. Low cut shirts with her breasts hanging out, teeny-tiny skirts that barely cover her ass. You can see the embarrassment on Jake's face. He talks about how mad he gets when they go out because guys comment about how slutty she looks. Does she change how she dresses to make him feel better...no, because she loves the attention. It doesn't help that I know she cheats on him. I have a list of boys names from a girl she goes to school with. It is sick. And what would Jake do to these boys if he found out? And can he understand that he will go to jail if he takes action against them? He is 19...they are under 18.

What scares me the most is that Jake doesn't see how messed up all this is. He doesn't see that she doesn't love him, she is just using him for money and because she can control him. He doesn't see that he is pushing his family away and hurting the ones that DO love him. He has lost all of his friends. He can't enjoy the things that he used to love in life. When he got a deer this year, he couldn't tell her for 3 days because he knew she would get mad because he went hunting when she was at school. Jake used to hunt every single day during hunting season...it is his passion. He is good at it but apparently now, he has to have a 16 year old's permission in order to do anything. It is just sick.
I don't know what to do about it. I can't stand to be around her. She is fake and I have caught her in too many lies to deal with her anymore. I hate how she treats my brother. I hate what this little girl is doing to my family and I worry about how much more worse it will get. I am truly scared that if they do break up, he will try to kill himself. I know he would. I don't question that at all. She has destroyed my brother and I hate her for it.
I wish terrible things for her, things that I can't say on here. I know it is wrong. But it would solve everything.
I wish she would just disappear. I wish Jake could see that he is worth more than the thoughts of a 16 year old girl. I wish. I wish. I wish.

One of my best friend's from high school, Andy's, grandfather passed last night.
It is so sad. I went to several school dances with Andy and we always stopped by his grandma and grandpa's house for pictures before hand. They were the cutest couple in the world. He doted on her and she looked at him with so much love.
Every morning I drive by their house at 6:30am. Every morning I would see them sitting in their breakfast nook eating breakfast together. Seeing them there every morning gave me hope that love gets stronger every year that you are together. I joke with Andy that if I ever get a divorce, I am coming after him and we are going to be like his grandparents...but only if he makes me breakfast every morning...he is a chef.
I hate that she had to lose her husband right before Christmas. I hate that Andy lost his grandfather. I hate that I won't see them in the morning anymore.

Shifting weight

I've lost 7lbs and more importantly 8" off my body so far. I am down a pant size and my bras are getting big. Thank God. I am into my groove at the gym and only miss one day per week which is my recovery day. My diet has much improved and I haven't fallen off the wagon and eaten an entire gallon of ice cream yet. I think this means I am doing it the right way. I have a nice balanced diet instead of denying myself everything. Kicking pop/soda/mountain dew was easier than expected as well. My new favorite drink...FUZE tropical punch or strawberry melon. No fat, 5 cal, no carbs, or sugars. They are tasty and good for you!

My husband, on the other hand, has managed to gain the weight I have lost. Since hitting the road, he has gained enough weight to make him go from a 32x34 to a 36x34...WTF!?! It doesn't bother me, I would love him no matter what he looked like. But he has never gained any weight. I am glad he gets to see how it feels for once. He has only been on the road twice...for a little over a week the first time and 5 days the second time. That is a lot of weight to gain in that little of time. I think he is seeing how active he normally is compared to sitting behind a steering wheel all day...and the Jared diet doesn't work when you are sedentarty...he proves this.

I made turkey burgers with gouda last night. Kevin wasn't such a fan...he likes his red meat. I do too, but I love turkey burgers...and the tomato basil bocca burgers...super yummy! I will ease those onto him...I see mutiny if I introduce them too quickly.

Maple Twists... remind me of my Papa so much. As a child, I spent the night with my Momo and Papa every other Friday, altrenating with my brother, Tanner. Fridays were spent with Momo, doing her grocery shopping and having a private dinner with her followed by TGIF and 20/20. Saturday morning, you got to eat breakfast with Papa when he came in from his morning routine while you watched Saturday morning cartoons. We always had Maple Twists and coffee...well my coffee was more milk than coffee...but there was coffee in there so I blame my grandparents for my current addiction with the delicious beverage. We would sit with our maple twist and dunk it into our coffee. We didn't have to talk. We just sat together and ate...usually with him in his chair and me on the floor using the stool/mini-table that he made in high school. After we ate, he went back outside to do more work...never one to sit for very long. The smell of maple twists brings back so many memories. I broke down on wednesday and bought some. I know I shouldn't, but I wanted them and I am glad that I got them. It's crazy how something so trivial can bring back so many happy times.
Papa has since moved on to cream sticks from the local bakery...since he has gotten dentures, he just can't taste food like he used too, but he sure can taste the sugary sweetness of a cream stick. It is his main food staple now, but he is in such good health, no one cares (except for my diabetic grandma who can't have them and is jealous.) He may have moved on to cream sticks, but I will be forever in love with maple twists...and my Papa.

Back from vacation...well rested, but not ready to be back. Are we ever really ready?
Thanksgiving was nice. Kevin and I decided to just go to the Steinbauer's...it is the last time we were all getting together at the old farmhouse since we are putting it up for auction in the spring. It was emotional. But nice.
Friday, Kevin and I lounged around all day. It was perfect. No black friday madness for me. No thanks.
Saturday I helped some of the aunts go through Grandma and Grandpa's house...we cleaned for 4 hours. We got the entire upstairs done...which was a feet. There were four bedrooms filled with junk, treasures, misplaced paperwork, and tons of other things. We got rid of a lot of trash and I came home with an old fur hat that Grandpa used to wear to church every sunday, one of grandma's old flashy purses, a Mary statue, and old survey maps of the area where our family farm was...it has Kevin and I's property on it, grandma and grandpa's, momo and papa's, and the original farm market. It's pretty cool and from 1956. I am going to have it framed. It was fun going through all the old things and watching my aunts laugh as they remembered times from the past. So many good times in that house. So many memories. It will be hard when it is gone...no longer in the family. The aunts were trying to convince me to buy it...they'd give us a good deal. We just can't do it...it requires so much work-but it has beautiful curves ceilings and perfect plaster walls. But no, it would be too much for us. The highlight of the day was when we found a "sex book" or what a Catholic would call a sex book. It was about how to teach your children about sex...the catholic way-aka, you will go to hell if you have premarital sex and that you must confess your impure thoughts to the priest. It was definitly interesting to read. It was a fun but sobering day.
Saturday and sunday were nice relaxing days. Just a little bit of cleaning and bringing in wood for the week.
But I am sooo not happy to be back at work. Oh well, such is life.

Wonderful Solitude

I got a call from my husband this morning (who is in Boston delivering tons of carrots to a foodbank) saying that he missed me so much and wished he were home.
He asked if I missed him...while I do, I am enjoying being on my own for a few days. I didn't want to tell him this and hurt his feelings...he sounded so sad on the phone. I think we needed the time away from each other desprately. We have been up each other's butts for months now since he has been laid off. He gets bored and calls me at least 6 times per day at work and that just isn't cool with me. Plus, last weekend was rough. I need this vacation from him.
What I wanted to reply was, "If you miss me so much now, why were you such a dick on Friday night? Why did you torment me all day Saturday if you love me so much you can't stand to be away from me?" I try to let the past be the past so I didn't. Im just enjoying the time by myself, doing the things that I want to do...which has mainly been cleaning, working out, and eating right for once.
I get it, he's in a truck cab with one other person for hours on end each day. I get to go to work, go to the gym, go home and relax, and eat home cooked meals. He doesn't even have the luxury of a shower unless they stop at a truck stop equipped with one. BUT, he gets to see the countryside and go places that I have never been. I want to go to Boston so bad! We have a saying, "The Baston Dag goes Bak, Bak!" Because we are losers and love our animals, we think about how a Boston accent would sound on our dog. Yes, we are lame. But it is funny and has been a running joke for 2 years now. I want to see Boston, I want to see New York City, I want to see the country side down south when he drives to Florida later this week. I would love to see this all with him, but am loving my single life for the time being. I think its a good trade off.
Am I horrible for feeling this way? I don't think so. I think we need breaks away from the ones we love so that we appreciate them that much more. Why do you think your favorite aunts and uncles are the ones that live farthest away?! Because you appreciate when you do get to see them because of distance and make that time together worthwhile.
I refuse to feel guilty, and I refuse to act like a desparate housewife on the phone begging for her husband to return quickly.

Over the Top!

Thanks to Brandi for passing this award on to me!

I have to answer the following questions with one word!

1.) Where is your cell phone? desk

2.)Your hair? Brown

3.) Your mother? Recovering

4.) Your father? Wonderful

5.) Favorite Food? Italian

6.) Your dream last nite? Naughty

7.) Your favorite drink? Coffee

8.) Your dream/goal? Travel

9.) What room are you in? Office

10.) Your hobby? Lifting

11.) Your fear? Spiders!

12.) Where do you want to be in 6 years? Manager

13.) Where were you last night? Fontanas

14.) Something that you aren't? Tired

15.) Muffins? Cinnamon

16.) Wish list item? car

17.) Where did you grow up? Bellevue

18.) Last thing you did? Eat

19.) What are you wearing? Scrubs

20.) Your tv? over-used

21.) Your pets? cute!

22.) Your friends? Amazing

23.) Your life? changing

24.) Your mood? Determined

25.)Missing someone? Yes

26.) Your vehicle? saturn

27.) Something your not wearing? Perfume

28.) Your favorite store? Macy's

29.) Favorite color? Depends

30.) When was the last time you laughed? today

31.) Last time you cried? saturday

32.) Your best friend? Beth

33.) One place that I go over and over? Google

34.) Facebook? yes

35.) Favorite place to eat? 3Birds

I pass this on to Lizzi and Grace!

Im down 4lbs. It's a start and I am thrilled. I had to go to the Lorain store this morning and the first thing my boss said to me was "It looks like you've lost weight." Yes! So far my hard work has paid off and I am doing even more now. Working out twice a day on my days off from the restaurant and I went and invested in some protein bars, skim milk, chicken breasts, and tons of veggies. I need to change my lifestyle now before I become a 400lbs overweight person sporting a moo-moo with flowers. Not attractive. I have motivational things all over my house. My chalkboard that usually displays our dinner menu is now covered with my workout schedule for the week. My bathroom mirror is sporting my current weight on one side and my goal weight on the other-with a picture of me at my goal weight taped in the corner. My skinny jeans are on display in our bedroom and my favorite bra-that I haven't been able to wear for a long time-but can't get rid of, is placed on my dresser...begging to be worn. Im pumped, Im motivated, Im making changes!

Friday I went out with my girls for Beth's birhtday (23 years old-gag me please.) We went to a comedy club in Toledo and had sooooo much fun. The comedian (Chad Smith) tagged us at the table of hot girls-stating that we had every hot girl type available...The short one with short hair and super tiny (Beth) The short one with long hair and knockers that you could use as pillows (me) The country girl who isn't afraid to sport boots (Amanda) and the high maintenance girl (Misty.) We were used a lot during the show and he tried to get us to wait around afterwards to hang out with us. We had places to go though! We couldn't just wait around. It was great being involved in the show and we got some free drinks from him. Bonus! It was a great night. I love my girls.

I dropped Kevin off at the Turnpike last night. He is doing a truck route with a buddy for some extra cash. He will be gone til next monday and I think the break will do us good. Him not working has him up my ass all the time and I just can't handle that. Plus, sometimes its just nice to have the whole bed to yourself. Downside-I hate starting fires...Im not bad at it, I just hate it-and since that is how we heat our house, there is no way around it. Boo. He called me last night (8 hours after I dropped him off) to tell me that he already missed me. I miss him, but not that much yet. Im still in my, "yay! I get the house to myself" phase. He's in a small cab with a trucker...how much fun can that be. I am jealous that they got to go through NYC last night...so jealous. He said it was beautiful and finally agreed that we should go there for a long weekend. He's off to NC today and then Wisconsin then Michigan then Florida then home.

Dangerous Territory

Im sitting here eating carrots. Steamed carrots and baked chicken. Thank God the chicken maintained it's flavor in the oven (Im a spicing genious.) My carrots are lacking. But they are good for me, so down the hatch they go.

My diet has improved tremendously. Probably because I am making an effort and actively watching what I am eating. I may start a food journal, but always found them too depressing.

I need to invest in some good protein bars and meal replacement bars. Special K actually makes a pretty tasty protein bar and they aren't too ridiculously expensive.

Kevin pooped out on me yesterday, already. He woke up with a headache...really?! C'mon! If I can't use that to get out of sex (I never would) he can't use it to get out of going to the gym. After asking him 3 times, I wasn't wasting my time anymore and took off without him. He later apologized and was ready to go this morning. But to rub it in his face just a little more, last night I did an extra set of abs on the livingroom floor followed by pushups before taking my nightly shower. Im determined, damn it.

I've been talking to my friend Kyle about lifting. He has gotten in tremendous shape over the past year and I was picking his brain for exercise ideas. He and I have been friends for a million years it seems-knowing each other since junior high and having the same after school job through high school. We are close, but sometimes, I think we push our limits on the friend issue. He is a flirt, I am a flirt. Sometimes that is ok. Other times it is not. He and I flirting is not ok...because sometimes I think we are a little more serious than we should be. It's dangerous, but oh so fun. He is in a serious relationship and he stood second in line at my wedding. I don't think either one of us would ever take things to that next level, but sometimes I wonder if it may happen eventually in a moment of weakness. It would be the worst scenario ever. I need to keep myself in check around him. Kevin already hates how close we are and how at parties Kyle and I talk all night. I don't think it's a jealousy thing because he trusts Kyle and I, but I think he knows that we are attracted to each other. Don't get me wrong, Im not the only culprit here, so don't go getting all on Team Kevin...Kevin does his fair share of flirting, which doesnt bother me at all-it makes me laugh actually. From our pictures at parties, you would think that we were all in different couples than what we actually are. That is how our entire group is. We get to the party and separate from our significant other for the evening-reuniting upon bedtime. Its what we do. New people to our group can never figure out who is married to who and it makes me laugh. The proof is in the pictures. Which are at the top of the page because my computer is stupid and won't let me move them.

How I look now...not huge, but not svelt...

Me in my more svelt days a couple years ago...hoping to look this good again soon!!!

Kevin and I started back at the gym this morning...at 5am. I had had enough yesterday of excuses and whinning and said we are starting tomorrow...either start with me, or quit complaining. So this morning, we were both sweating our butts off by 5:15.

I was pretty disappointed that it only took 10 min on the eliptical to make me feel like a fat slob. Winded, I stretched and moved on to my strong point-lifting. This is Kevin's weak point. He can run forever and hardly break a sweat-bastard. We lifted chest this morning. My favortie. We did 6 exercises plus 2 super sets. Kevin decided to throw in another exercise while I was doing abs (he refuses to do abs) and I told him he would pay for the extra one. He called me at 10am to tell me he could barely move. He never listens to me...hello! I have a degree in sports med.

Tomorrow will be either shoulders or back...depends on if we can lift our arms over our head or not.

I am excited to get back in shape. I am excited at all the energy I have today thanks to the morning workout. I know that this time, I am truly motivated and will make a change. I have my favorite picture of me posted on our bathroom mirror for added motivation. I want to be able to wear a certain dress to new years...I have it hanging front and center in my closet. I am cutting back the amount that I eat, but have already found that working out in the am and having a healthy bowl of cereal curbed my hunger for a lot longer than not working out and a coffe with 2 breakfast burritos from McD's. Im not going to cut out all the bad things...just limit them to treats. Focusing on eating more green vegetables and leaner meats. Im doing it the way I used to do it, back in the days of me weighing 145lbs. The correct way, instead of taking all the yummy treats out all together, just limiting them to treats so I appreciate them more.

I am curious to see how long my husband stays on the path. He usually gives it his all for 3 weeks than gives up. I caught him checking out his mini man-boobs though this morning...he didn't seem pleased. I really hope he sticks with it. Not only will it motivate me more, but we will eat healthier if he is involved in the process.

All Hallow's eve!

Lady Gaga and the samari finding out which is mightier...the sword or the disco stick

Making good use of his wig

Kevin's lovely dress (he looks better in it than I do!)

The devil stopped for a picture with Emily and I

Lady Gaga

We love dance parties!

I'm married to such a sexy lady!

Halloween. A time where you can dress up all slutty and get away with it, when men can dress in drag and they aren't the only one, and when you can pull those lovely items from your closet that you thought you could never wear again!

Bittersweet...

My friend Tiffany, you know, my friend with the idiot husband, told me about 2 weeks ago that she is pregnant.

I've been sitting and thinking on this since then. I've come to the conclusion that all I can do is be happy for her. She wants a child so bad and has been trying to get pregnant for some time now. I am glad, for her, that she has finally become pregnant. It is all I can do. I know that she will be an amazing mother and even if he doesn't play a large role in the child's upbringing, the child will know that her mother loved her.

Im praying its a girl, by the way. For Tiffany's sake. If it is a boy-oh, good Lord-she will be out numbered and the world does not need a jon jr running around.

I am going to help her paint and put together her nursery once she finds out what she is having. I am throwing her a "friend's" baby shower and started a baby blanket for her. I am being the best friend that I am supposed to be, and praying that he straightens up once the baby arrives.

Our relationship has gotten better since my last blog about her. I called her and we talked things out. We aren't as close as we were before, but we are working on that. I am having the girls over for a brunch on sunday...I will be making a recipe out of my Top Chef cookbook and I am uber excited. I haven't seen my girls in forever and I miss them. Hoping we can start doing a bruch every sunday and then scrapbooking until we are exhausted.

I didn't think I would be as ok as I am with this pregnancy thing, but then I stepped back and looked at the fact that it isn't my choice. It isn't my life. And I know that this has made her the happiest woman in the world-therefore, I am happy too. We can't create perfect situations for the one's we love, but only help them to make the situations as perfect as they can be based on what they have to work with. If anything, she will have a kickass auntie!

******Suprise!!!!********

My friend just text me to let me know that she got two tickets for the New Moon midnight premier for Nov. 20th (or thursday evening in my book.) I was a.) shocked, b.) suprised, and c.) stunned! I am sooooo excited! I thought I was going to have to wait 3 weeks to get in to see it, but thanks to her, I get to see it the opening night! I was actually dancing at my desk when I got the text! She is simply the best!

While working at my second job last night, at my friend's little Italian restaurant, two girls that I cheered with came in. The first one to show up was Katherine. She was my stunt partner for 4 years. We had a love/hate relationship in high school but we were always able to put aside our differences to be the best stunt group on the squad. She and I are cool now and talk everytime we see each other. We ran into each other at 5 different 5k's this summer and really reconnected. It was nice seeing her.
The second one to show up was Katy. Katy was a childhood friend. Our parents were really good friends in high school and our moms wanted us to be as close as they were. We always got along until our Junior year in high school. One morning, picture day actually, I walk into the school building at the beginning of school and find all the varsity cheerleaders standing at my locker waiting for me. Katy instantly starts screaming at me and accusing me of telling her mom that she and her boyfriend were having sex. All the other girls jumped in and started saying really nasty things. I was instantly crushed, embarrassed, and hurt. It was the only time I ever cried at school. I didn't know what they were basing this assumption off of. I would never dare call someone's mother and divulge that information...not my place. All the girls were talking the previous day about their sex lives...I didn't have one. I chose to stay a virgin because I knew I wasn't going to end up with any of the boys I dated in high school. So I must have been the one who told because I was different and thought differently than my peers. I seethed all day long, hoping I would calm down before practice after school. The glares in the hallways and being snubbed the entire day by people that were supposed to be my "friends" just made me more angry. At practice, I stretched in the corner by myself. I ignored the group that sat and made rude comments about me. My skin was tough as nails through that practice. I participated, but ignored everyone until the end of practice. Then, as I gathered my gear together to leave, I looked at the group standing there and said: I am not the one who told your mother you were having sex. Don't you realize that you were blabbing it in front of all the cheerleaders...including the freshmen-where you sister is a cheerleader as well? I will not take the blame and I will no be treated the way I was today because you feel too guilty to be able to tell you mom your damned self. I am not coming back to practice and participating with a group of self-centered, hypocritical, group of girls that think they are more righteous than me. You can all kiss my ass.
And then I left. It was the first time I had ever stood up for myself and it felt liberating.
Katy showed up on my doorstep that night. She apologized and said that she found out that her sister had told her mom. Not me. I calmly looked at her as she apologized and told her that I could never erase the feeling that I had had that day. That her apology wouldn't make up for the fact that I heard all day long how much the cheerleaders now hated me. Even though I had done nothing wrong, it would take a long time before I felt like a part of that team again-I never really did. I didn't allow myself to. I didn't want to associate myself with them outside of practice, games, and functions anymore. That is the day that I found out just how mean girls can be.

Looking at her last night, I still had that same feeling. I can tell that she knew exactly what I was feeling. I know that I am the bigger person. I know that I am not based on shallowness and assumptions. Even though I was the one serving last night, I was truly the bigger person.

Random Twelve

1. Candy corn: your thoughts?

Totally gross. Never liked it. Picture it in old ladies pockets all melted together...gross.

2. Briefly, what was the first conversation you ever had with your significant other?

We worked at East of Chicago together over a summer. The first conversation was actually about a 4 wheeler he was looking at buying. I gave him my opinion because my family rides-even though I had no clue about anything but what color I prefered-it gave me an in to talk to the guy that I thought was cute, other than, "DELIVERY UP!"

3. Could you ever become a vegetarian?

Kevin and I do when we are short on cash for groceries. But not by choice. I grew up in a house where we had 1/2 steer in our freezer at most times and we ate almost everthing that we hunted. I love a good rare steak...I once grossed out an entire table of Heidelberg football players with how rare I asked for my steak to be cooked. It was delish.

4. Have you ever dressed up your pet in a costume?

Bully partakes in our ugly sweater parties each year. He isn't a fan of wearing the sweater/sweatshirt/or vest that we find him, but he puts on a happy face when the other dogs get there clad in their garish attire.

5. Name something about childhood that you miss (like Clark Bars, Teaberry Gum, Malibu Barbi, Cracking fake eggs on people's head with your fist and "It's The Great Pumpkin" airing only once a year.

I miss children being able to be children. Being able to get muddy and dirty and it was ok. Being able to catch local viruses from your daycare-and parents bringing their children around other children with chicken pox so all the kids could "just get it done and over with." I will never miss watching a child being rubbed down with hand sanitizer because they played with the toys at the doctor's office. Being able to eat candy cigarettes and not having people make tastless comments about it. They were my favorite candy growing up and I have never even tried a real cigarette, but boy could I make the candy ones look fabulous as I "smoked" them. I miss trips to Alabama to see my great grandma, I miss weekends on the boat with my dad. I miss playing with my cousins and sleepovers.

6. Have you ever won a trophy? If not, what do you deserve a trophy for?

I have won multiple cheerleading trophies, most inspirational coach, the citizenship award in 6th grade, The Mackenzie leadership award in band, a creative writing one in 7th grade, and the Student Employee of the Year and Lemke English Honorary award at Heidelberg. I have my name on a lot of plaques.

7. When do you think is the appropriate time to begin playing Christmas music each year?

Only when putting up Christmas decorations.

8. What is your favorite board game?

Trivial Pursuit!

9. How do you feel about suprises (receiving, not giving?)

Depends on the type of suprise-if its a good one, ok. If its "Hey, so and so is going to be here in 10 min and you need to clean the house yet" not so much

10. Is it easy for you to say "I'm sorry?"

Usually, yes.

11. What is your favorite candle scent?

Lime Basil or cotton/clean laundry smell

12. October is traditionally "open house" time in public schools. If you had a literal open house in your home (like a reception) what light snacks would you serve visitors and what would you show them (as in art projects, graded papers) that would uniquely represent you?

I would serve preztels with rolo's melted on top (yummy,) a cheese tray of all my favorite cheeses...some good red wine, maybe a dessert wine-like Ice wine, and my friends awesome recipe for a cheese ball with crackers.
I would have all my scrapbooks out on display and right now, our house is pretty much our art project..."please enjoy the unfinished drywall, subfloor, and bare ceilings..."

Good news

Had my lovely dr.'s appointment with my favorite boy-friend that is allowed to be all up in my vagina. It went suprisingly well. I had a dream last night that everything turned out great and I think it carried into my real life. I went in and had a perfect blood pressue, pulse, and resp. rate...so basically I was calm for once, even though I knew painful things were about to happen.
The doc comes in, we joke around for a while about his rounds at the health center and the bad dreams he has after a day spent there (yuck-the stories are gross!) and then get down to business. He puts the scope in and the solution to "light up" the bad areas. He starts doing a lot of the "hmmm, hm, huh, hmm." Im all like, "What's going on in there?" Basically, the only bad area that lit up was a very small spot in the corner of the vaginal cuff (aka, where my cervix used to be.) He said it was too small to really biopsy and that it didn't appear to be dangerous in appearance. He was able to just place some acid on it (which kinda made me hot and nauseaus) and call it good. He was pleasantly suprised that it was such a small area. Very pleased.
So, I am back to my 6 month pap regimen and the doc is pretty sure I shouldnt have any problems for a while...hopefully! I was estatic with this news. I was so excited I gave him a hug...and then my drape fell and I was standing there in a scrub top, socks, and that's it hugging my doc...awwwwwkward! He laughed though and told me he was happy that it turned out to be nothing.

Weekend update

I know it's been a while since I posted, but I have been slammed at work. By slammed I mean, unable to take bathroom breaks because my phone won't stop ringing, orders won't stop coming, and job responsibilities won't stop being piled on me.
One of our best workers left last week. She moved on to another career in the legal field. I am excited for her, but miss her sorely! Basically, I have been handed a majority of her work load...on top of everything else I do. I feel like I am drowning daily. Today, I said, "screw it, Im taking my lunch-plus some from the rest of last week that I missed." I already feel better.
I also feel better because the vice-president came down and talked with me this morning to go over one of my new job responsibilities. She basically told me that I was being handed them because management knew that I would do the job just as well as Jackie did, if not better. She then complimented me on what a good worker I was and let me know how much she appreciated me, because I made her job easier. Wow. That's a compliment. I totally look up to her. She is here nightly til nearly 8pm and is here before anyone else. She lobbies frequently in washington and is president of a lot of different nationally based health care groups. She is a strong woman who is good at her job, but makes sure to let those around her know when they are doing well. I appreciate this compliment more than any yearly eval where my boss tells me I am doing great. It just means more coming from the VP's mouth. Not because of her job title, but because I respect her so much.
Saturday was my nephew, Turner's, birthday party. He turns 2 today! Happy birthday Turner! He is getting so big and before we know it, he will be at that stage where he doesn't want to be around family. I can clearly say that his favorite toy was the GIANT tonka dump truck. My momo did good. Tanner and Jen didn't look as thrilled at Turner did. It was hilarious watching him chase Jerry through the house and smash into the couches (ie: peoples legs.) He seemed much more interested in his presents this year as well (until the tonka was opened, that is.) His mommy also did a great job of cooking a delicious dinner. I have made the salad she made 2 times since the party. I am in love with it!
Sunday, I cleaned the house, went grocery shopping, and made a kickass dinner. Im talking, pulled out all the stops. Placemats and wine glasses and the good silverwear and everything! We invited 2 of Kevin's guy friend over that don't have girlfriends and never get a good home cooked meal (and cheesy-mac doesn't count.) I made a roasted chicken that was stuffed with onion and garlic, sour cream mashed potatoes, steamed green beans, a magnificent salad, homemade buttermilk cheddar biscuits, and a homemade apple tart that was to die for! I had no food left at the end of the night, aside from some apple tart. There were 15 biscuits and all of them were gone. The boys could not get enough of them. The 2 guests had 3 helpings of the tart as well and I ended up sending them home with some for their breakfasts. They were so appreciative and you could tell they really enjoyed the dinner, just as I did. I love cooking for friends, but I don't get enough time to do it. I wish I had taken a picture of the table loaded down and beautifully decorated. Next time.

*Gasp*

I had THE. WORST. DREAM. EVER. last night. I was becoming paralyzed from the waist down. It wasn't like I was in an accident and it was instant (not that that would make it any better) but it was a slow, torturous process where I lost more and more function, muscle tone, and feeling each day. By the end of my dream I was in a wheelchair. I remember looking down at my limp, skinny, shriveled legs, wondering why this happened and what I was supposed to do about it. To make matters worse, Kevin was cheating on my with a cute little blonde and I could do nothing about it because I couldn't get to where he was in my wheelchair. I was completely helpless, at the top of a staircase, trying to find a way down. Seconds before I woke up, I began the descent down the stairs, trying to tip backwards to keep from tipping forward and out of the chair. A good looking, athletic man (who gave me the wheelchair) grabbed the back of my chair and helped me down. Halfway down the stairs, I woke up.
I pray to God that I never lose function of any part of my body like that. It was enough torture in the dream and I am still creeped out by it now that I am awake and my legs are moving normally. Horrible. Absolutely horrible.

Urbanity...in my future

I have decided that this spring...maybe sooner, I will be starting an Urbanity blog just like Lora, Blackbelt, and MJ. It will be of Bellevue and the lovely little surrounding towns like Castalia, Clyde, Attica, Tiffin, and Sandusky (our BIG city.) It will show the beautiful side of these towns but also some of the craziness that you see-aka white trashy-type stuff. Because we all know just how funny 48 cars in your front yard looks. I am excited to show you my small little world and how wonderful and horrible it can be. More to come...

Hoot, who, Hoot

My first owl purchase...

My second owl purchase... his name is Otie (pronounced O-T)

My cat that likes to mimic being an owl.

I have had an obsession with owls recently. I didn't realize I had an obsession until my husband pointed it out. If I see an owl figure, stamp, card, stuffed animal, necklas...I want it. I don't know why. I have always like owls. Ever since my step dad found a dead barn owl when I was little. I thought is was cute, even when it was dead. I have never seen an owl in person while it was alive, other than at animal demonstrations or zoos. They say it is bad luck to see an owl during the day. I hear them around my house all the time. Out in the woods. They are even more prevelant at my Momo and Papa's house. I remember listening to them as I would fall asleep as a child. They were comforting with their soft, muffled, "whooo's."

I don't know what this resurgance is about. But I am glad that the shops are accomodating to my tastes for once. Otie is really heavy. He is made out of carved stone and as soon as I saw him, I knew that I had to have him. The halloween owl, pudgy owl, as Kevin likes to call him, came from a local craft store that sells really cool things that are way out of my price range. I loved him when I saw him and was even more excited when it was inexpensive. His brother was beckoning to me as well, but I had to leave him at the shop.

I have an old owl necklas that was my grandma's from the late 60's. It is made out of sterling silver and jade. It is really pretty, but very large. I am not a large jewelry person, but I am contemplating putting him on a new chain that is less cumbersome so that I could wear him with a simple outfit. We shall see.

Still, isn't it strange that I suddenly feel the need to purchase owls to decorate my home?! Weird...

Tickle monster!

April loved the fur coat my aunt gave me. She was running around pretending to be a bear.

Attacking Uncle Pumpkin head

Emma loves bully...she wants a bully puppy...

Emma and April, Kevin and I's nieces, came and spent Sunday afternoon with us. We had a great time with them and I already miss them!

We started out by going to get pumpkins...of course, they pick the largest ones that they could find...except for my short, squat, round one. We went to the farm market that Kevin and I shop at to get them. The owner, Todd, absolutely loved the girls. He and his wife can't have children either, and they spoil the crap out of their niece and nephew as well. He gave them free old-timey candy and apples. He talked to them for a long time about how cool they are that they get to grow up on a dairy farm. They didn't find the same enthusiasm that Todd did, but one day they will realize how special they are....the fact that they probably work harder than most adults do and they are 7 and 8 years old, that they have seen a calf being birthed, that they know where milk really comes from, and that they get to do cool things that city kids just don't get to do. They appreciated the apples and the wax bottles filled with sugary-sweet goodness. Kevin earned his new nick-name at the pumpkin patch, Unlce Pumkin-head. He was cutting firewood, so we put his pumpkin in the front seat of the car with me so that he could be a part of the fun.

After picking out pumpkins I took the girls to lunch and then to go see "Where The Wild Things Are." It was a cute movie, but definitly more for adults than children. There were a lot of underlying themes. It was kind of sad too, but still very good. It was sad enough to make both girls start crying and by the end of the movie, they were both cuddled up on my lap, clinging to me for dear life. They seemed to really like the movie and talked non-stop about it all the way home.

When we got home, Kevin was back from cutting and he played around with the girls. They love to wrestle and lots of screaming, giggling, running, jumping, and more laughing ensued. It is funny, because April, the younger one, is just like Kevin. Adventerous, dare-devil, smart-mouthed, cuddly, and bull-headed. While Emma, is just like her mom. Calm, mature, loving, caring, more cautious, and the care-taker. It's like watching Kevin and Erinn all over again. It's quite funny. Kevin was pleased when I pointed out the similarities and we both agreed that April would be the trouble maker, handful when she got older. She will definitly test her parent's nerves.

We had a blast with them, but man do they wear you out! They go non-stop all day! Play, jump, piggy-back-ride, tickle, giggle, cuddle, hug, "swing-me!," hop, tackle, laugh, pony ride, cat chase, dog cuddle, "paint my nails," twirl, squeal. All day, non-stop. I miss them already.

What a week!

I am soooo ready for the weekend!
The transition to Sandusky went smoothly. For the most part. There are still a few glitches that we need to work out, but I am so much happier at my new location. I love the women that are in my area. They are laid back, have a sense of humor, and take everything in stride. Plus they get it when you are busy and just need to be left alone to hunker down and make it through your pile of crap.
I got some disappointing news at the OB/GYN's on wednesday. Pap came back abnormal....again. I get to start the whole biopsy rounds again, but there is hope that it could be nothing. Fun part was when my mom told my brother, who in turn told my father, who in turn told 2 of his close friends that I grew up with, that I was having surgery the 28th and starting chemo right away...still trying to figure out where she got that from. I think she just thrives on drama and wanted some attention thrown in her direction. Like I don't have enough stress to deal with...give me 45 calls where I have to calm down friends and family members. My dad called me and sounded pretty upset-was ready to take the day of my "surgery" off and any other time that I thought would be helpful. He laughed when I said I was having my "surgery" on my lunch break and going back to work afterwards. Thanks mom...I love drama!

Kevin and I get our nieces for the weekend. I am so excited about this. We are going to do girly night sleepover style stuff....like painting our nails and playing with hair and makeup and of course, going to see "Where The Wild Things Are." So pumped!
I just have to make it through a half hour more here and then 4 hours at my other job tonight...the joys of multiple jobs-going from one to the other. Oh well, it pays the bills better than one job.
On a high note, Kevin has sold 22 cords of wood (4ft x 4ft x 8ft.) It is helping a lot with bills and him being laid off. Plus it gives him something to do during the day so he doesn't get depressed that he isn't working. Still waiting on the grant response, but I am hopeful.
Kevin came and took me to lunch today. It was a nice suprise. He had Bully with him. I wanted to take him back to work with me, but figured the boss would frown upon this. Don't think she would view it as "take your son to work day." Even though he is currently our son.
Kevin and I are going to start putting money back into a savings account and then eventually into CD's...just in case we decide that we do want to adopt in the future. If we decide not to, we have a good chunk of change to either do major renovation work on the house, pay off some major bills, or go on a kick-ass vacation. All in all, it is a good thing to do. Plus, if we do decide we want a child, we will have the means to do so.
Hope you all have a great weekend. I am hoping to!

Anniversary night!

Yesterday ended up being a pretty great day. Work was calm and I got a lot done. Around 2pm, I was told the girls downstairs needed me. I walk downstairs and find a bouquet of roses from Kevin. All the girls were jealous and that made my day. It is only the 3rd time Kevin has ever gotten me flowers. In the spring he will pick me a couple tulips out of my tulip garden, but for him to go out and buy me flowers...that's a big deal. They are gracing my office and look stunning. Women walk by all day, swoop in, and take a wiff of their delicious smell. It makes me feel special.
I get home from work, get cleaned up, and Kevin takes us to dinner at Damon's. Thank God they have an ATM because Kevin forgot his wallet. This is true Kevin fashion-he doesn't do it on purpose, he just always assumes it is in his truck, when in reality it is in the back pocket of his work pants on the mudroom floor. This happened 5 years ago, before I had an ATM card and I got stuck sitting at the same restaurant, on a busy Friday night, for an hour by myself reading the newspaper and sipping coffee while he ran back to our home to get his wallet...an hour, by myself, on a busy Friday night. I got multiple offers of people to take me home. Majorly embarrassing, but its a funny story we can tell now. The one waiter still remembers it. He was our waiter last night. He laughed. Our dinner was wonderful though. We both splurged on steaks and they were delicious. I love their salads and kevin loves their rolls. We love just sitting in the booth, looking out over the water, watching the sunset. The Damon's in Sandusky is right on the water, at Battery Park Marina, looking over the Sandusky Bay and Cedar Point. It is actually very pretty.
We sat and talked in the booth for a long time and reminisced about our wedding day and how much fun we had. We told stories about getting ready-he definitly had more fun shooting pumkins and drinking with the boys. We laughed about the dog running to my grandparent's house because he was afraid of the loud noises made by the guns. We laughed about his sister running off to go do shots of blackberry brandy with the boys and how the photographer was becoming distraut because she kept taking off. His sister is hilarious. We talked about the night of our wedding. How we had attempted to make love, but fell asleep instead. He crawled up on me, I gave him the look that said "really?" and he laughed and agreed and rolled over and fell asleep instead. We were both completely fine with that. It had been a long day, we were both drunk, and more than ready for nighty-night. We wished we were back in Cape Cod on our honeymoon. We talked about our favorite places there, Fairway Pizza, The Purple Feather, the beaches. The gay bar that we walked into in Provincetown and Kevin didn't realize it was a gay bar...even with the Macho Night poster on the door. It was an awesome bar though. I just happened to be the only girl there...and had to use the boys bathroom.
All in all, it was a wonderful evening. We capped off our dinner with cuddling on the couch with our pup. In my opinion, it was the perfect evening. Kevin did well.

Anniversary

Today is Kevin and I's 2 year wedding anniversary. Hard to believe. We have been together almost 10 years now. Time flies.

We've certainly had our share of up's and down's but have so far managed to come out ok. We have been through more in our 10 year relationship than most go through in a lifetime. We have survived things that have crushed others. It makes me feel thankful that we both try so hard, even though at times I feel like I am the only one trying. We fight for our love. We don't easily give up. We are both stubborn and sometimes, that is what saves our marriage. We have both evolved a lot over the years, both sacrificed dreams to create new ones. I think we are a great fit though. We get each other when other's don't. We both wish the other did things differently sometimes, but for the most part we are very happy with each other.

Kevin informed me that this year he is taking care of all the anniversary plans. This scares me a little. Kevin isn't the most romantic guy in the world...he doesn't see the point in flowers, he thinks jewelery is a waste of money, and doesn't get that sometimes a girl just wants to be pampered. Last year, I had our good friend, who owns a restaurant-and happened to be our best man-help me out. He has a private room in his restaurant and I recreated our wedding in that room. I had our centerpiece from the tables, some of the same decorations, and one of our favorite meals cooked for us. I even pulled out our miniature wedding cake from the freezer to thaw so that we could cut it again-it tasted horrible and we laughed as we both choked down the dry bits of cake in our mouth. It was romantic and cute and Kevin loved it. He said he felt like a dirt bag because he didn't do anything for it...not even a card. I know he cares though. (Im telling you, least romantic man on the planet-but he cares and he shows it in little ways, like drawing pictures on my back-something my papa did-to help me fall asleep at night. Warming my side of the bed for me before I get in. Little things that mean so much) I am super curious to see what he has planned tonight. I am still secretly hoping for a suprise bouquet of flowers at work, but Im not holding my breath.

I am still super happy with the decision I made to marry him. I may not show it everyday, but he is the man that I love more than anything on this earth and he makes me so very happy.

Back home...

Well, I am all set up in my new office in Sandusky. It is so nice to be back. Soooo nice. I love how all the smiling faces walk by and welcome me back and tell me how happy they are to have my smiling face here. I love that my boss was here in the morning for a meeting, stopped by to complain about me not being there, and left. I love the quiet. I love the fact that I have already been able to get caught up because Im not being interupted by patient's walking into my office in the "employee only area." I loved my 10 min. drive. I love the fact that I can go home for lunch if I choose to. There are just so many things that make me happy about this move. I get to stay with the company that I like but be closer to home.
I guess my co-workers in Lorain aren't so happy, but I figure that they will eventually get over this. Becky called me at 10am saying that she misses me. I miss her too, but she is pretty much the only one. As sad as that sounds. The people in Sandusky are just so much nicer. So much happier. So much more positive than those in Lorain. And let me tell you, the negativity in Lorain was really getting to me. I was becoming an unhappy person, and anyone that knows me knows that that is not true.
I like that I can go to doctor's appointments on my lunch. I like that I can get together with my girlfriend that works down the road for lunch. I like that Kevin can suprise me with lunch now like he did when I was at the hospital.
I especially like that I can make it home by 5:20...and that's WITH traffic. With traffic from Lorain, 6:30...big difference there. HUGE.
Ah, it is good to be back home.

Moving day!

It's moving day at my office. I got the official go ahead to transfer to Sandusky on Monday. I have brought in all my milk crates to move all my files, binders, and supplies. I'm pretty stoked. I am looking forward to my 10 min drive. I am looking forward to the fact that I will be spending $15 a week in gas instead of $40. I'm trying to figure out how to spend the extra cash...probably bills, but I will most definitly get myself a treat like a new purse...purses are hard for me to spend money on. I use them till they fall apart. It's the only item I am really frugal on, yet I collect antique purses...do the math. Im crazy.
I plan on still getting up at the same time, but actually get to work out before work, saving on the chance that I will talk myself out of going to the gym after work. I think it is a good plan. Now that Kevin is off work as well, he is going to go with me. I always workout better when I have a partner and we can keep each other motivated and accountable for our actions. I figure we can start the P90X program again. My gym is set up with an area to do this is, so that is really nice. Plus then I don't have to go out and buy a second pull up bar and try to figure out where I can hang it in my home.
All in all, I think the move to Sandusky will make a huge change for me...more time for myself+more physical activity=a happier Haley.

School of not-so-hard knocks

Kevin has been laid off now for about a month. Yesterday he had to go to job and family services for a group meeting. He was not thrilled about it...actually, he was furious that he had to go. Judging by the "worksheets" they were having him fill out, it looked like it was going to be a boring day. He calls me at 4pm yesterday and said the first 5 hours were horrible. Trapped in a room with a bunch of deadbeats who you can tell are living off the system, going over how to fill out an application for hours and what a resume should look like and how to dress appropriately for an interview. He went to a tech school...they had a whole class on this. I had a college professor that taught me everything about how to make a perfect resume...believe me, our resumes are kickass. So this portion was torture for him. It didn't help that he got stuck sitting next to someone that was making comments the entire time about how he doesn't ever plan on getting a job cause his "ancestors worked enough fo' him." No shit. I would have lost my temper...I don't know how Kevin didn't.
The only bright side out of this meeting was when he finally got to sit down with his case worker. She reviewed his resume and of course was impressed. Kevin is a damn hard worker. He is skilled and self-driven. It is driving him nuts that no where is hiring in this area right now. He cuts wood daily to sell and is doing lots of outdoor and indoor projects at our house. One thing I can say is he is not lazy and when it comes to hands on stuff, he can master just about anything. Well his case manager noticed this to and is applying him for a grant to go to a local community college to get his welding certificate and any other trade skills that he wants. Bonus! She is also putting his name into some type of government program that matches well qualified candidates with jobs with companies that do a lot of government contracts. One of them just happens to be at a quarry that he has wanted to work at since he was a kid. She is also going to look into ways for him to apply for a job with catapillar as a traveling service mechanic for the company...his true dream job.
So it turned out that the meeting wasn't a complete waste of his time and I have never heard him more excited. He is meeting with her again today to fill out all the grant paperwork. I hope that he is able to gain a lot of education from this little set back. I hope that he also finds a company to work for that truly appreciates his great work ethic, can-do attitude, and talents. I hope he finally finds his niche and feels like he is doing something worthwhile. He needs that. It is also nice that the government does have programs like this for individuals who really want to work, who really want to succeed, and really want to make this country a better place.
Kevin looks up to the WWII generation, always stating that there will never be another generation of hard working, dedicated, united Americans like that again. I truly believe he belonged in that time period...

Check this out...

Check out this clip from Oprah's website...
I don't know if you follow NieNie or not, but I love reading her blog. She gives me hope and makes me realize that sometimes my problems aren't as big as they could be. I always leave her blog feeling thankful.

Bridging, mending, hoping

My nieces, Emma and April, are back in town from MO. They are here for the rest of the month of October and I am uber excited.
I am excited because next week we are taking them to see "Where The Wild Things Are," which I am super excited about anyways because it has been one of my favorite books since childhood. I am also excited because it is Emma and April's favorite book. I have a kids bookshelf at the top of my stairs and it is the first place they go when they get to my house. The first book grabbed is always WTWTR. I guess Emma has been talking about the movie since she first saw the preview. She is a little tomboy and reminds me of Max in a way, so I am sure she will connect the with movie the most.
We are also planning on taking the girls to the circus. Barnum and Bailey will be in town at the end of the month. It will be my first real circus (aside from the circuses that are set up in grocery store parking lots.) We are hoping to find out what route the train is taking to take the girls to see the train roll in with all the animals and super fancy cars. I saw it once as a child pass through Bellevue. It was amazing! I want them to have that same experience.
I am kind of hoping that the girls being in town sans mom will make Kevin have to talk to his mother. He has not talked to her in over 3 1/2 years now. He had a huge falling out with his father (I don't blame him) but it cost him his relationship with his mother...basically because it puts her in a potentially dangerous situtation if his dad knows that Judy is talking to Kevin...Kevin's father is abusive but kevin's mother will not leave him...even though both of her children have offered her a place to stay, for free-and his dad has no clue where we live. Its a sad situation, but I am hoping that when I call Judy to set up a time to get the kids, I can pass the phone off to Kevin and they can actually talk. Im hoping. Fingers crossed.
Kevin has pent up anger about his mother. He feels like she chose her husband over her child, but he can't see the position she is in. A long time abused woman doesn't always have the strength to leave a husband, even if she has an out. He can't look at it from that point of view. He just thinks she is weak. He can't see that she loves him and is praying for that one day when she wakes up and her husband is different. She still has that hope. That is what she told me when I asked her to come stay with me. She looked me in the eyes, with tears brimming and said, "I can't leave him yet. I still believe he can change. He loves me, he is just sick. I can't give up on him yet." It broke my heart and infuriated me, but now I understand. Kind of. Im just hoping that Kevin is able to reconnect with his mother before it is too late and he doesn't have the choice.
I am hoping Emma and April can be that bridge without even knowing it. I love when April comes over and puts her hands on her hips, furrows her brows, and says to kevin, "Grandma's mad at you! You better call her! She said you hurt her feelings!" I love how a child's innocent words can speak volumes. Kevin cried in front of me about his mother that night. Those girls make him see what he is missing. They make him see that maybe he needs to make that first step.
I have always contacted Judy at work. I don't dare call her at home, for fear that his father would answer...there is still a lot of hate there. I don't think I could even hold back my words. I said my peace to him the day that we moved out, but he can open wounds with small attacking words. Plus, Judy can be herself at work and not have to mask who she is talking to, plus she can keep secret the fact that she is talking to me. I hate that it has to be that way, but I will hold onto the fringe of a relationship that we have left that way until it can be more again. I know that someday we will be able to sit and drink coffee and talk for hours again. I just don't know when that day will be. I miss her so much.

random musings and thoughts

Im sitting at my desk at lunch, being a good girl, eating a turkey sandwich, 1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese, and a yummy red delicious apple...my favorite (I can eat a whole bag in one sitting if I want to...I blame it on the fact that I grew up with a farm market in my family and the best apples around) Anyways, Im feeling stagnant again and I hate it. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I was laid up for a week, unable to do anything and I went straight back to work with no "fun" day between the two. Or it could be the fact that my boss is actually mad that I missed a week of work because I had emergency surgery and it's making me want to bitch slap her and scream, "PEOPLE HAVE EMERGENCIES, GET OVER IT!" Or it could be this undying feeling that I want to go back to school but can't seem to find a program that I like that fits into my schedule and budget. Arg. Im trying to stay positive on this one, it's just that all the local colleges around here that offer weekend classes suck ass and have stupid programs. Eventually I will break down and take up evening and weekend jobs and go back to school fulltime...money just won't let me right now....that and the fact that I need health insurance.

Oh my God, this apple is delish! I want about 6 more. now. I left the rest at home for a reason. Did you know that apples have an addictive substance in their peel? That is why you crave more after you have had one. I know people that have quit smoking by exchanging cigarettes for apples. That's pretty cool. And healthy.

My sister in law has made me have a craving to change my hair. It is getting way long again. I think I want to go short again, but hate all the work that comes with it. But I want something different.

My husband has been hanging out with a 19 year old kid that he used to work with. He's nice and all, but I can only handle so many sexual remarks in one day...he reaches my limit within 15 min. He can turn anything you say into a sexual inuendo. It pisses me off, but makes me laugh at the same time. He is so not a suave guy. He needs to turn on his filter and not say everything that pops in his head...like, "she can ride my meatstick." as I flip past a chick on dancing with the stars, or "I'll give you something to dip your apple in" as I walk into my living room with sliced apples and caramel dip. really. he said that last night. That's when I yelled that I am a girl to him and told him not to talk to me that way, especially in my house...that it was disrespectful. Kevin just laughed. And then asks me 10 seconds later to hook him up with my hot cousin. That got a big laugh out of me. Dork. Yeah right. Then he assures me that he can be a perfect gentleman when he wants to. I informed him that he needs to be one to me because, hey, Im a chick. I don't want to be talked to like Im another guy in the room all the time.

I talked to Kevin about possibly doing the half marathon in Akron like Tanner and Jen did this year, next year. He is all for it. We are going to start training as soon as I am healed up enough to start running again. I think it would be awesome to eventually do a full marathon. We will see what happens.

Alive and kicking...

I had quite a tumultuous weekend last week. After feeling shitty the entire weekend and finally sick of dealing with the pain. I called my doc on sunday and asked him what I should do. My pain we out of control. I couldn't get comfortable and it felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly. The pain had be vomitting and dry heaving to the point where I broke every blood vessel in my face. I was pretty. He said that my pain wasn't in line with ovarian cysts and that I needed to get to the ER.
I get there. They immediatly take me back to a room...they being a guy that I graduated with that was voted best looking on senior day...he just looked at me and said, "wow, you look horrible." I said thanks.
Dilaudid...doesn't touch my pain. By the time my doctor is finally called in, after suffering through an abdominal x-ray, then CT scan where I could barely keep my legs straight, my pain is out of control again. I am crying, moaning, and unable to lay still on my bed. My doc walks in, looks at the ER doc and asks why my pain isn't under control. He immediately calls for the nurse to give me demerol now. I was quite happy after my shot of demerol...finally the pain was under control. All my tests came back negative except for the cyst on my left ovary that we already knew about. My doc was convinced there was something else going on. Off to emergency surgery I go.
They found that I had ovarian torsion...that is, my ovary was strangling itself. It had literally tied the ligament/tube that held it in place in a knot and would allow blood flow in, but not back out so the blood that was in the ovary would eventually die and become stagnant. My body was being poisoned by my angry ovary. This is why I have been so sick lately with nausea, vomitting, and diarrhea. My body was trying to tell me that it was bad. So, basically, I got my wish. The doctor removed my angry ovary and I have a lovely incision to prove it. I am excited to get back on the road to recovery and eventually be able to do a sit up again...still struggling with that one!
I am hoping to not have anymore suprises with my lady parts for a long, long time. I think I have had my fair share for this year...it is someone elses turn. Any takers?

My best friend's little brother, Daniel, just posted on his facebook page that he loves older women. He is in the navy and is the same age as my little brother, joe...21-22. I ask him what he means by older women. He comes back with...you know, your age and up to 40. Im 28. I can understand this. Older women appreciate good looking young men with hard bodies and even harder manhoods that are ready to go at any time. Young women their age are idiots and dont realize what their hot bodied men are going to turn into in 10 years when they are married...

I kick myself on a daily basis for not hooking up with a guy that is Joe's age that asked me out when he was 17 (4 days shy of 18) and I was 24. He is gorgeous. The hottest body ever. Seriously. I am dumb. Even if we just made out. Damn it. What was I thinking. I told Daniel this...he just laughs. "yeah, he was smitten with you." Damn it! Why God, why!?!?!

Yeah, I know, its a douchey picture, but if I had this body I would be displaying it everywhere as well...yummy. Again, I am an idiot for passing this up. But at that age, I was all hot bodied myself thinking I could get me an older man that would appreciate me...not so much. DAMN IT!!!!

Free falling in an airplane, being chased by alligators at a flooded gas station, and my ex boyfriend all in one dream...why do I even try to figure out what they mean? I can still feel my stomach in my mouth from the free fall...it actually woke me up...crazy.

Happy Friday. It's been a long week. My boss has been in a mood. Today is our marketing girls last day. She is super nice and has worked for the company for a long time. We are truly losing a great employee. My boss is still moody about it. That and the fact that Im moving to Sandusky..hopefully next week. Im more than ready...she keeps dragging her feet about it now. Ive been up her butt about it. Im ready for the weekend and to get away from her moodiness.

An accident happened right in front of me on Rt. 2 this am. It scared the bejesus out of me. I had to slam on my breaks to keep from missing the guy. He was in the westbound lane, lost control, went fishtailing into the median and then across my lane of traffic into the trees. I reacted calmly at the time of the accident, but after I got off the phone calling 911, I started shaking and had to pull over to calm myself. I can't wait til I don't have to travel that road anymore...lots of accidents on it...all the time...people driving too fast, not paying attention and a lot of semi traffice.

I copped out on the pot luck today. I usually bring really great quiches or breakfast casseroles. I brought donuts and bagels...take it or leave it.

Dinner with the fam tonight for my mom's birthday. Im excited to actually get to go out to eat...it has been a long time thanks to our decreased funds.

Have a great friday!

Adventures at the OB/GYN

I had my appointment with Dr. Visci yesterday. He did my first 6 month pap since my hysto and we talked about my ovarian cyst, aka angry ovary. We are doing another ultrasound this coming tuesday to assess how large it is, or if it has ruptured, and then discussing my options then. We are either going to go in and fish out the bad one, if the cyst is still there and large, or going to try to control them with birth control. He is fairly convinced that it ruptured, since he couldn't feel it when the ER doc could the other night, but wants to make sure it didn't just rotate around, since my ovaries are now "free balling." That is, they aren't attached to anything and they just kinda float around. I am hopeful that they can be controlled with birth control.

It never fails that idiots are in the waiting room while I am in the waiting room at my OB/GYN. I love how everyone assumes that you are there to try to have a baby if you have a ring on your finger. I had one woman come up to me, who must have seen me at many of my other appointments, and actually say, "Don't worry, it took me and my husband 3 years to finally get pregnant, but I have faith and you will be just as lucky." Really. I look at her and then say, "Honey, I had a hysto, I had cancer." She turned red and walked away. Who are you to approach me and give me words of encouragement when you don't know me?! Its not like I am reading all the parenting magazines, crying at the pictures of babies...Im the chick with the ONE car magazine in the place, or reading one of my books. Give me a break! I don't cry at the sight of a pregnant woman, wishing it were me.

Then, as I'm trying to get back into my book, a mother and daughter duo take up residence in chairs across from me, as in 2 ft across from me. The girl was MAYBE 14. She was all excited to FINALLY be put on birth control. Sick. If this wasn't enough, she starts bitching because her mom didn't get her the diamond encrusted bead for her pandora bracelet for her birthday. Gag. This ellicited a dirty look from me. As in, could you bitch quieter please...Im trying to read my book. Look goes unnoticed by girl, but very noticed by mother who tells daughter to keep it down. Next subject brought up by little girl, "Why can't my boyfriend spend the night?" Her reasoning...you know we are already doing it, so just let us do it. Im old enough... Again, dirty look from me, or one more of disgust. She went on for over 20 minutes about this. The entire staff behind the counter were making faces with looks of disgust...several people had moved farther away, and the mother was slouched down in her chair, embarrased. Finally, after I couldn't take her shrieking any longer, I look up, and firmly say, "could you please show a little more respect for your mother? and please keep it down?" The daughter responds, "why don't you show ME some respect, what's it to you." I respond, "well, its obvious that you don't have respect for anyone, considering that the entire office has moved away from your loud mouth and you are embarrasing your mother, so I think that it shows that I have more respect for your mother than you do. And if your going to voice your personal business in a quiet office, your making it EVERYBODY'S business and frankly Im sick of hearing you." That shut her up. A couple of the office girls actually started applauding and saying things like, "bout time somebody shut her up." The girl sat glaring at me for the next 10 min as I calmly read my book. When my name was finally called, I just stood up, smiled at her, and told her mom good luck. The office girls in the back were all laughing and coming over to tell me that they wished that they could have said something to the girl. I don't like being a bitch, but a half an hour of straight bitch talk from a little girl is not something that I handle well, especially when it is directly affecting me.
But seriously, I want, just one time, to go to this office and not have to deal with bullshit from other patients. Is that too much to ask?!

Pampered pooch

Do you think he's spoiled?
My dog thinks he's a person and is entitled to the couch AND a pillow. He will sigh and huff and puff when you tell him to get down so that YOU, a person, can sit on the couch. It's too funny.

Fall is in the air...

Well, not this morning. It is super muggy here. We have the AC back on at work and all fans going full blast.

However, this weekend, I got all my fall decorations out and pulled some old ones to sell in the next garage sale.

Fall is my favorite time of year. Fall is the season of my wedding vows. Fall will always bring back great memories from high school football games...games where it was comfy to wear our cheerleading skirts and our turtlenecks underneath our shells. Perfect cheering weather. Fall brings out a comfort that no other season can. It is perfectly acceptable to wear shorts and a sweatshirt. Fall nights give you a reason to have a bonfire and sit in the company of good friends doing absolutly nothing. Fall is orange, red, yellow, and burgandy.

Fall is when I make my yearly journey back to Heidelberg to gaze at two of my favorite things...1.) a patch of road on 101 that is completely enclosed by trees that turn brilliant shades of purple, red, and burgandy. It makes you feel like you are driving through the stained glass of St. Chapelle. The light filters through the trees the same way it does through these windows...

2.) the ginko tree located in front of the science hall. The lovely fan shaped leaves fall to the ground creating a golden carpet. One of my favorite teachers taught biology and made it a point to teach one class under that tree, on the golden floor...not much teaching was done on these days, but appreciation of the beauty around us was soaked in.

Im going to call the doctor today and tell him he needs to schedule me to have my "angry" ovary removed. I can't handle it any longer. Ive been in constant pain for over a week now. Im frustrated. Im nauseaus all the time. I haven't eaten a regular meal (and kept it down) for over a week. and now, to boot, I am constipated. I chugged half a bottle of mag citrate last night and broke down and gave myself a suppository. It has never felt so great to have liquid poop in my life. (I know, too much info, but hey, thats what you are here for.) I know my doctors all like "I want you to keep your ovaries as long as possible" but damn it...you try living like this! It isn't living. It is making it through the time between when you can be on the couch or in bed...that hour drive is killing me. Even though Im constipated, I feel the need to sit for ridiculously long periods of time on the toilet praying to poop. Praying to keep my lunch from coming back out my mouth. Praying for the pain in my left lower quadrant to stop for 5 damn minutes. I can't live on darvocet. I can't drive with it. I can't stay awake with it. I can't always keep it in my belly. Im sick of the nasty looks my boss gives me as I walk to the bathroom for the 20th time during the day. Sometimes men just don't get it. I still have another one...can't we just get rid of this pissed off one before it pisses off my other one?!

My moving day at work is getting closer. I love seeing all my pictures and unnecessary items in a box waiting to be rushed to the door.

My mind has been on overload for several days now. I can't keep things straight in there anymore...too many ideas, not enough space.

A "friend" from high school contacted me on facebook. I say "friend" because we weren't really friends. She was always super different from everyone else. We first met in elementary school. She and her brother are adopted. They always dressed different, like she would wear things that her mom would wear, with the same hair cut, but would be 8 years old with a sweater with a frilly lace collar that an 80 year old would wear. My mom made me be friends with her. Apparently she had it pretty rough before and that is another reason why she is so different. I felt bad for her. I tried to hang out and play with her, but it was uncomfortable because her mom had to sit with us while we played to make sure she played appropriately because she was "touched as a child and didn't understand that that isn't normal play for children." The friendship didn't last much past junior high, but I was always nice to her. She tried to be normal, it just won't ever happen. Anyways, she has gained a ton of weight and is close to 350lbs. She is trying to lose weight. She needs people to help keep her motivated and active. I offered to walk with her at the reservoir behind her house. I haven't talked to her in person since we graduated. I still feel bad for her and wonder how she is now. Im glad she contacted me, but I have never been so nervous to make a phone call in my life. Im not doing it out of pity, Im doing it because she is truly a nice person and I hope she can make this change to better herself. I just hope her mom doesnt follow us on our walks.

My boss loved an idea I came up with last night to help get repeat mastectomy business. I am proud of myself. Let's just say, Im stealing a clever tactic that Victoria's Secret uses.

Kevin is still jobless and I wish he would get bored enough at our house that he would clean the place top to bottom. I hate leaving notes of things to do like mom's do to children when they are on summer break. My note today..."FINISH THE LANDSCAPING!!!"

I want to go on "The Real World." Im too old now though. If I were on this season I so would have hooked up with Bronne...I love him but I don't know why...

I had a guy ask me this morning if I wanted a sugar daddy...an old Italian guy...too bad Im married. easy money. just joking. maybe, maybe not.

Im sad that "the swayze" has passed away. I loved watching him interact with his wife. You could always tell they were so in love. Im hoping for a dirty dancing marathon this weekend on WE or Lifetime....my fingers are crossed.