Friday, July 31, 2009


Im trying to figure out what I want to do this weekend. Kevin is going to our friend, Kyle's, house to help him work on his front porch. Of course this involves going up the night before for pre-game...aka, drinking and playing video games. That leaves me the house to myself friday night and most of saturday.
My friend, Carrie, invited me over friday night, but Im not sure Im feeling it. She has 3 kids...only 2 will be home, but her one son, 11, is going through that awkward age where he has to be up your ass the whole time and hits your arm when he wants you to pay attention to him. Im not down with that and its not my place to reprimand the kid...I can only take so many arm punches, man. I was thinking of staying home and finishing the wedding invitations I am working on. I was thinking of listening to every NIN cd, from halo one to completion while doing so. It will probably take that long. I was thinking of finishing the bottle of wine that Carrie left on Wed from Wed Spag nite...but I want my invitations to be centered and even. Maybe if I drink it s l o w l y.
Saturday I was planning on driving up to Lakewood, after the bridal shower where I hope to deliver the invitations, to suprise the guys and make them dinner. I have a magnificent roast thawing in my fridge and it is HUGE. Plus, guys like meat right? And what is better after a long night of drinking and an afternoon of paint and nails and saws and lumber than a wonderful homecooked, like grandma makes, dinner? I can think of nothing better, except maybe a high class strip joint. Cleveland has plenty of those. But I don't want to go back til after my 90 days of P90X. So I look hot again.
I made Kevin do the workout with me last night. He kept giving me these looks like "it's almost over, right?!" I just smiled. I love how cleansing sweat feels when its being produced, but hate the stickiness of it after 15 mins of cooling down. My skin always looks better when I workout. Flushes the system...I even get less pimples.
I need to clean the house. We are having a party next weekend and I have to make sure that there are ample areas for people to pass out in. Right now my spare bedroom is covered in wedding invitation stuff. My "office" is covered with shit that didn't sell at my mom's garage sale. My floors are covered with a layer of dog and cat hair. It has only been one day since the last sweeping/vaccuum. I can't miss a day or my house is overcome with hair. Is it considered animal cruelty to shave all your animals? Im getting ready to do that. Just leave tufts of hair on their heads, paws, and tails...or in nubby's case, her nub.
I love not having plans on weekends...the possibilities seem limitless, but there is no pressure to do a bunch of shit. I love it.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

P90X is kicking my butt already. I did the cardioX dvd last night. Wow. It was super challenging but totally rewarding. I felt great after finishing, even though my form was crap, my kicks became poor excuses for leg raises, and my plyometric jumping through snow tires ended up looking like jumping through tricycle tires. I dry-heaved a couple times. My face was purple by the end, but I felt amazing. I can tell that this is going to work. I can tell that Im not going to get bored with it...I will probably never get to the "master" versions of each exercise, but I impressed myself and can't wait to do the next dvd. I am sore in places I didn't know existed, well-I know they exist, I have a degree in sports med...I just have never felt them the muscles in between my ribs, my subclavian (the muscle under my clavical,) my lower lats...I didn't think I HAD lower lats. Parts of my legs that have never been hit before. It is amazing and my body is already ass is hard as a rock today...and sore as hell. I must be into S&M because I love the pain. My journey has begun and I am determined to see it to completion...right into my favorite bikini!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Take me to dreamland

I had the most fantastic dream last night. It was my perfect world with my favorite people in it. That is all the Im saying about it because someone told me once, when I was little, that if I told someone my dream, then it wouldn't come true. I make sure to tell at least one person about my bad dreams to prevent this and keep the good ones closed up in my head. I have very vivid dreams and I almost always remember them...for a long time. Is that weird? Its so normal to me that I don't think it is. When I was little, like elementary little, I would dream about what would happen the next day. I always knew what my teachers were going to wear and I would have deja vu about 50 times a day. I once told my great grandma this and she told me that she did the same thing...and she was a preacher's wife-so not into all the junk. Is that weird that I used to be able to do that? I wish I still did. Sometimes. But seriously, it would rock if this dream, even a tiny smidge of it, came true...My heart beats faster just thinking about it...sigh.
Do you ever think about your ex's? There is one that I can't ever really let go of, no matter if Im happy with my life, unhappy with my life, etc. I haven't talked to him in over a year now, but I still think about him. Still get a little short of breath when I think about him. They say your first love is more addictive than coccaine...I believe it's true. Man, humans are messed up.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

making a change

I started my P90X workout yesterday. Hopefully I will be a leaner, stronger version of myself in 90 days. We shall see. I took my day one pictures last night. Boy, that's a humbling experience. I'd like to say that the camera adds 15lbs, but Im sure that's not the case. I don't recommend taking pictures in short shorts and a sports bra unless you absolutely have to, or you look like Carmen Electra. I've always been ok with my body, but geesh, I have back fat...that's not cool. Time to make the commitment to getting healthy again, running isn't quite cutting it for me. This is a good mix of cardio and weights, which my body responds to the best. Plus the workouts are challenging, something that I need. I can already tell that Im going to like this program, the diet not so much, but hey, it's 90 days. I can do it. Maybe after the 90 days I will have the balls to post the day one pics next to my 90 day pics. Maybe. It's rough...haha!


I talked to Tiff yesterday. I simply told her that I don't care what she does as long as it makes her happy, but to do it for her, not for her pride, to push away embarrassement, to keep people from looking at her differently, but for her happiness. To truly step back and see if HE is willing to make the commitment to change. I told her that was all I could tell her. I also told her that I don't want him in my home. He has never been respectful to me and I don't have to deal with him if I don't want to. That she would always be welcome, but he is not. It was my decision. I told her I loved her, but couldn't sit back and watch her get continually abused, be it not physical but mental, and say nothing. So to alleviate the situation, I would be there for her if she needed me, but that I couldn't be around them together and to simply not mention her marital problems to me. This is hard for me. I have always been there for her to talk about ANYTHING with, but when you are going to get pissy with me for giving my two-cents, you lose that benefit. My friends are hard lovers. We tell each other exactly what we think. I think that's a good thing. You either take the advice or leave it, you don't get angry with someone for saying something that you don't want to hear. I just refuse to stress myself out over her situation anymore. period.

Monday, July 27, 2009

And then I get this...

" Things are better, we talked for an hour and a half last night. We will see what happens. Im bummed about the things he's done, but I feel like Im not ready to give up yet. I have to keep fighting. I don't understand?!" Yesterday was their one year anniversary. I get it, it's hard to walk away. But honestly, after 6 months of counciling, with no changes on his part; I think the fight should be over. I don't know what else there is for her to hold on to. I just don't get it. I don't know what to say to her. I told her I was afraid she would become like Kevin's mother, a shell of a person, still trying to make her marriage work after 29 years, no love, just her trying her ass off with nothing coming from his end, but more abuse. Her being stuck at home, afraid to leave, because if she leaves she may do something wrong in his eyes and then he would leave. I don't get it. Her response to that was, "well, I guess I will have to learn the hard way." What am I supposed to say to that?! I wanted to scream "what is it going to take?! You getting HIV?! You getting herpes?!" He is no longer welcome in my house. I can't allow him there, I will hurt him. I can't stand the mf'er. I won't sit around and watch him make jokes about his wife and hit on every other female in the room. I know this will just make her not come to my house any longer for parties, cookouts, etc., but damn it, I can't stand by and watch it and not say anything. That isn't me. Tiffany once told me that she loves me because I am honest with her, that I don't mince words, that I tell her the truth even if it hurts. I think that's what friends should do. My advice in this situation, cut your losses now before you have more time invested, before you become weaker, before you get kids involved. She doesn't want to hear it. I know its hard. I have been here before. The big difference, Kevin got help and he made changes. He realized that he was about to lose the one good thing in his life. He realized that I was serious about leaving. He got that point when he didn't hear from me for 3 weeks. Jon doesn't care. He once told me when they were fighting, "don't worry, she'll come back. she will never leave me. " and then he laughed. God I hate this man. I don't want to cut my contact with Tiffany, but I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell her that I don't want to hear it, I want to be there for her, but I don't know if I can just sit back and listen to her cry and not do anything about it anymore. Im heartbroken for her...Im losing someone that I care about deeply. She is less herself everyday. Im losing my BFF.

Good but sad

My friend Tiffany called me friday night. My friend with the shitty husband that I complained about a month or so ago. She was packing up her stuff and leaving. She had finally been pushed past her limit of tolerance. When she confronted him about another night where he didn't come home and she found condoms (which they don't use because she isn't able to have children right now) and he stated..."It's an addiction, it's like if I smoked cigarettes, you need to get over it." She finally saw that he didn't care about her at all. I could hear him singing in the background as she was sobbing to me on the phone. I wanted to drive there and rip his nuts off. I didn't. He will get his someday, hopefully in the form of some nasty STD, and I don't need to spend another evening in lockdown. I am just happy that she is getting out. It still breaks my heart to hear how sad she is. I just keep thinking how much happier she will be when she realizes how much better her life is without him. For now all I can do is offer hugs, a place to lay her head, and lots of support.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Girls night out!

My lady friends and I are trying to orchestrate a LADIES NIGHT OUT! Complete with dinner, dancing, alcohol, ridiculousness, and maybe some shopping in the am if we aren't completely dead. We are looking to do it on Sept 5th in either Cleveland or Bowling Green...Im pushing for Cleveland because there is more to do there than go to the local pizza place and then stagger from college bar to college bar, but that is where all the other girls first met, in college. I was the last one added from attending numerous drunken parties there. They all live in the Cleveland area anyways. Our plan is to get a couple hotel rooms and do it up right. This group of girls is crazy, and you are guaranteed to have an absolutely amazing time! If anyone is interested in coming to join the shananigans, let me know! I can promise you good conversation, spotty memories, and laughing til you think you are going to pee your pants!

More awake but bummed.

I got to bed at 10:19 last night! Go me! I feel much more refreshed this am!

Im super bummed though. The very last Nails shows are in New York, Chicago, and LA. The remaining tickets go onsale at 5pm tonight on card purchases only. The tickets are only $55.00-totally affordable. Called kevin to get our credit card info...he has it maxed out because he's been using it for gas. Im a.) super pissed because we aren't supposed to be using it andb.) super pissed because this is the very last chance I have to see my favorite band in the world. I am heartbroken and Kevin's pathetic "sorry" isn't helping. I want to punch him in the stomach right now and make him breathless like I feel. I know, Im probably over reacting, but damn it...I paid $300.00 for floor seats to Metallica in October for our anniversary. He needs to find someway to make this happen for me. I know he won't though and that just breaks my heart. Everything is always so close, but just out of reach.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Tired of being tired!!!

I have woken up tired every single day since I have been back to work. Not just tired, zombie tired. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to wake my ass up. I have no motivation. I just want to sleep. But when I get home, I have so many things to do, I end up staying up til 11pm. Thus, the vicious cycle starts again. Ug.
I need to go to bed early tonight. Im sure it won't happen. It's hard to go to sleep when you hubby is down stairs playing tag with the dog. naked. weird. I know. It's what he does while he's waiting for the shower to warm up. He used to do it with Nubby, my cat, but now she is old and has a FUPA, (fat under pussy area) and can't move up and down the stairs as quickly as she once could. After a few runs, she just lays down. It was funnier at our house on Huffman street in was an old 1920's house and they would start in the upstairs bathroom, run down the stairs (which was a switchback style) through the living room, dining room, and kitchen, then back through to the bathroom upstairs. He would chase her down and she would chase him up. Nothing funnier than his manhood flopping wildly as he runs down the stairs. except when she would catch up to him and give him a swipe of the paw across the ankle. We didn't have blinds in that house. I always wondered what the neighbors thought was going on. I would just sit and watch from the sidelines of the couch. oh memories.
I don't feel the urge to chase animals naked through my house. I would much rather wrap up in a blanket and cuddle with them instead. I don't like to cuddle with kevin. His hairy chest, legs, ass, everything itch me. He takes offense to that.
Him: "Well, you cuddle with the animals and they are hairy! What's the difference."

Me: I have a blanket between me and the animal kevin. I can't do that with you.

Him: I just want to touch and hold you.

Me: I get too know that. I cuddle with you in the winter...

Him: yeah, cause your freezing and you want to steal my body heat

Me: Isn't that what you are there for?

Him: That's shitty and selfish.

Me: You knew I was shitty and selfish when I married you...go cuddle with the dog.

He still tries to sneak cuddling when I fall asleep. It never works. If I'm sleeping and you touch me, your going to get hit. It's an automatic self defense mechanism. He will never learn.
God. I. Am. TIRED.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

not dead yet...

Sorry Ive been MIA. I had an angry ovary last week...that's what Im calling it anyways, because it sounds cooler. I have been down and out since 7-10 til today. That's a long ass time. I don't like when weeks disappear without an explanation. I started having left lower quadrant pain on friday night after an evening of skinny dipping and mexican food at my friend, Carrie's, house. I chalked it up to gas. Not so lucky. After not moving from the couch for 2 days and using up my last vicodin left over from my hysto, I broke down and called the doc on monday morning. I refused to go to the ER...too many horror stories (from ER nurses) about nurses that think it's funny to be rough with young women that come in with "female pains." They automatically chalk it up to an STD and treat you like a used thanks. My doctor was shocked when I told him why I refused to go to the ER. He ordered me a CT scan...yay. I threw up, shit, and pissed on the machine...that's what you get when you put contrast into every orafice of my body. I was praised on my projectile vomit. Im a pro. Tuesday back to the doc for my results...he had heard about the vomitting, thought it was funny. I still didn't. They found an abnormality on my left ovary. They scheduled me for an US with my GYN...for this morning...yeah, that didn't happen. Thursday evening we headed to the hospital when I was doubled over in pain. I didn't have the tolerance to drive the 25 min to Firelands (the good hosptital) and had to settle for Bellevue ER. Sucky. I had to scream at the girl behind the counter for a nurse NOW becuase she expected me to wait...I was curled up on the floor...I don't do that, ever. The nurse saw me from behind the double doors and ran over to me and yelled at the receptionist for not calling her immediately...bitch. I was immediatly shot up with some pain killers...did nothing. 3 shots later I got some relief. Long story short, I got transfered to Firelands becasue the Bellevue doc didn't want to do anything and didn't think my past history of cancer was a good enough reason to order a stat US. Firelands did. So I got the lovely wand up the hoo-haa and lots more pain meds. I have an extremely high pain tolerance. Im talking, I dislocated my patella and ruptured my ACL when I was 16 and calmly replaced my patella and walked across the football field to our ortho on the sideline and said something was messed up. I am not a fan of pain meds. I was during this hospital stay. So the US showed a 6cm (that 2 1/2") cyst in my ovary that had ruptured. I guess that is uncommonly large. I was finally able to control my pain by oral meds on friday evening so I was able to get discharged. Unfortunatley there is nothing you can do about cysts except to let them run their course. That just sucks. Im ready for my female parts to stop giving me shit and getting "angry" with me...grr. Thanks to everyone that was concerned. I appreciate it! I owe Lora a call, which I plan to do on my hour drive home from work today!!!! Im excited! But I am glad to be feeling better...

Friday, July 10, 2009

The light will guide you home...

Monday, Kevin and I went to Marblehead Lighthouse for a nice relaxing evening. We got the dog, stopped at subway and got a couple turkey subs, and went to our favorite spot. The lighthouse has a lot of history with Kevin and I. When we were first dating, we went there all the time for picnics. It is free, beautiful, and ultra relaxing. It has always been one of my favorite places to go and just chill out. Well, it's summer and it's tourist season there. It was packed, but still nice. There were so many couples there and it reminded me of Kevin and I at the very beginning...when everything was simple and pure and oh so romantic. I saw one couple, all dressed up, trying to take a picture of themselves...I had to intervene. I ran over, grabbed the camera and started snapping away. I commented on how cute they looked and, beaming the girl squealed that he had just proposed! How cute!

Funny thing is, this is where Kevin proposed to me. On our 5 year anniversary we went to the lighthouse, all dressed up from going to my little bro's graduation. The lighthouse was actually open that day, it is NEVER open. Kevin went and signed us up to go to the top...Im still thinking nothing of this. We go up with a group and gaze out at the lake. Suddenly I notice that no one is up top with us...everyone has disappeared. Kevin points to something on the other side of me and asks me what it is..."it's a freighter, you dork." I look back and he has the ring out. Im instantly giddy. I won't go into the details of what he said, but it ended with "please spend the rest of your life with me." I was so happy. We come down the 75 stairs to a cheering crowd. He had planned the whole thing! How amazing! He has never been one to be romantic and I am happy that he chose this one time to do it.

The young couple on the rocks reminded me of our beginning there...I couldn't help but hug this total stranger and congratulate her...

We just had to work pictures at the lighthouse into our wedding has such significance for us. Turns out they are our photographers favorites!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Weekend Warriors!

What a great weekend. Having the extra day helped of course. Friday was my relaxing day. I did a whole lot of nothing, cleaned a wee bit, did some work on my invitation order, and talked to my little brother for about 2 hours.

Saturday, I got up early to do a 5k with my friend Beth...did a little better...slowly slimming my time down. 39.16 this time. Hey, much better than my original time, but not yet my goal number. It was great actually being cheered for as we sprinted for the finish line...I nearly puked because we started our kick a little early, but it felt great having people truly cheer for you. After a nap when I got home, Kevin and I headed for a 4th of July/Housewarming/Birthday party at our friends place in the Cleveland burbs. It was a blast! I got to meet one of my good friends new girlfriends...she met my approval. We crammed 4 bodies into a garden tub in the bathroom and talked for 2 hours...we couldn't move, but it was hilarious watching people walk by and try to figure out what the hell we were doing. A little flip cup, a little bonfire, and great company. No hangover to boot! All in all a successful night. I always have a great time with this group. I apparently also enjoy giving 220lb men piggyback rides.

This is the birthday cake that Melissa made for Colin. A representation of his 21st birthday back in college at Bowling Green...passed out from flip cup...nice. She made marshmallow was to die for!

Sunday was Kevin and I's recoup day. Lots of couch lounging and napping. This is why I love Sundays...there is no pressure to do anything. My most ambitious moment was when I took a shower....and I just stood under the water and let it run all over was wonderful. Then, back to my couch. So relaxing.

My house can be cleaned today when I get home from work.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

I've been trying to stay positive, what, with all the negative crap I've been dealing with lately. It's been rough, but I am certainly trying. Break through on the bad news front though...kinda. I got a HUGE order for wedding invitations...should put a little extra cash in my pockets here at the end of the month...I am just going to be folding and cutting and stuffing and tying and punching and printing for a long ass time. Seriously...who needs 350 invitations?! Oh well, it's money in my pocket and another invite I can add to my portfolio.
I make invitations, by the way. If you didn't know. Nothing overly crazy with a printing press or anything, but they are custom made an guaranteed that no one else will ever have your invitations.
Kevin asked me what I thought about him joining either the National guard reserves or another branch of the military reserves. I don't know how I feel about this. He is 28. He doesn't handle authority very well...or at all. I had to be honest with him. I told him I thought he would suck at it. I don't think he has the personality for it and that I think he has a romanticized view of the military. I don't think I could handle him doing it. He is already a cocky asshole, yeah, it would only get worse. I think it would tear our marriage apart. He is a jealous man and I can tell you, he wouldn't make it through the boot camp without thinking I was cheating on him...that is just how he is. He states that that wouldn't happen, that he has never worried about me cheating on him (Lord knows I've never given him any reason to think this) but he would still think it. I wouldn't be able to handle him being gone. He would end up infantry...I can already tell this. Don't get me wrong, he can be smart, but he doesn't have a lot of follow-through and he is handy with a gun...put two and two together and you have the front-line, boy. I think I may have hurt his feelings, but this affects me too. Damn it, I gave up medical school for him, he can give up this for me. Was I too harsh? I don't know. What do you think?
It's "friday" today. I have a three day weekend. I am excited to sleep in in the am. I am excited to see friends. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend as well!