Monday, June 13, 2011

The Big Let Down

How are you supposed to act when someone completely and totally lets you down? When the one person who you have vowed to spend the rest of your life with treats you with such disrespect that your heart can't handle it?

This weekend was a throwback to my early 20's and it was awful.
I have already been through those tumultuous years between the ages of 18-25 when you party hard and have complete disregard for anyone other than yourself. I barely survived those years once. I can't do it again. This past weekend I was forced back into that mindset. I was disrespected by the person that I love the most in this world and my heart aches so much because of it. It is amazing what beer can make a person do. It is amazing how people still blame beer after all these years. It isn't the beer. It is the person drinking the beer. Period.
And if I continually, year after year, made stupid decisions that hurt the ones that you love because of a stupid drink, you should stop drinking. And maybe get some friends that are a little older. And maybe act like a 30 year old married man. But that is just me. And I am a woman, and sometimes women are just smarter than men when it comes to relationships. Or maybe I should say that women are more respectful than men when it comes to relationships. Or maybe we just think of the other person before Every. Stinkin. Decision. We. Make. Even toilet paper. I mean damn, I've been in your life for 10 years. How do you forget about me just because I am not in your direct line of sight? Am I THAT forgettable? I certainly hope not.
What I truly don't understand is how you can think that your actions don't affect me. How you think that i won't find out about things. How you can make a decision in a split second that gives you happiness for 3 seconds but creates hours, days, weeks, months of pain for me.

The big question is: How am I supposed to ever trust you again?

Friday, June 10, 2011

Playing catch up

I've been MIA again.
It had been a very busy time here lately.
Crazy busy.
But I'm hoping things will slow down a little now.

We spent last weekend on our friends boat. Just tooling around on Lake Erie. It is nice. But for the past week I feel like I have no equilibrium. I'm blaming the boat even though I am sure it is from lack of sleep and dehydration. I get the same "spins" that you get when you have had too much to drink when I turn corners or go from sitting to standing or standing to sitting. It is more than slightly annoying and if it doesn't stop by the end of the weekend I will be forced to go to the doctor. Which I really don't want to do.

Kevin and I planted our garden. A ton of tomato plants. I am covered in mosquito bites from watering them late at night. Why late at night? Because that is when I get time to do it. We are planning on doing a lot of canning this summer. Tomato juice, stewed tomatos, salsa, maybe some spaghetti sauce if I can find a good recipe.

Momo's headstone was placed last week. It makes everything very final. I can't pretend that she is just away on vacation or in a hospital anymore because there is a start date and an end date. I got pretty emotional and Kevin didn't know what to say. Sometimes I cry at night in bed because I know he won't know that I am crying the. I miss her so much and sometimes I just get overwhelmingly sad that she is gone and I can't hug her anymore. I have done a lot better than I ever imagined I would with losing her, but sometimes I just need to cry. I don't know if that urge will ever go entirely away. My birthday was a rough one, not because of my age, but because it was the first one without her. She wasn't there to make my cake. She wasn't there to sing harmony during "Happy Birthday" and her infamous "and many moooore" line. I'm finding it is truly the little things that you miss the most. Those little things that where exclusively Momo.

I have a base tan. That is amazing because I haven't had one of those in years. At least 3. I would burn, peel, and be white again. I managed to find the right amount of shade to let me get just a little color.

We just found out that my brother is having a baby boy. I am pretty excited. I can't wait to meet the little man.

I want to go to Germany. Bad.