My best friend's little brother, Daniel, just posted on his facebook page that he loves older women. He is in the navy and is the same age as my little brother, joe...21-22. I ask him what he means by older women. He comes back with...you know, your age and up to 40. Im 28. I can understand this. Older women appreciate good looking young men with hard bodies and even harder manhoods that are ready to go at any time. Young women their age are idiots and dont realize what their hot bodied men are going to turn into in 10 years when they are married...

I kick myself on a daily basis for not hooking up with a guy that is Joe's age that asked me out when he was 17 (4 days shy of 18) and I was 24. He is gorgeous. The hottest body ever. Seriously. I am dumb. Even if we just made out. Damn it. What was I thinking. I told Daniel this...he just laughs. "yeah, he was smitten with you." Damn it! Why God, why!?!?!

Yeah, I know, its a douchey picture, but if I had this body I would be displaying it everywhere as well...yummy. Again, I am an idiot for passing this up. But at that age, I was all hot bodied myself thinking I could get me an older man that would appreciate me...not so much. DAMN IT!!!!

Free falling in an airplane, being chased by alligators at a flooded gas station, and my ex boyfriend all in one dream...why do I even try to figure out what they mean? I can still feel my stomach in my mouth from the free fall...it actually woke me up...crazy.

Happy Friday. It's been a long week. My boss has been in a mood. Today is our marketing girls last day. She is super nice and has worked for the company for a long time. We are truly losing a great employee. My boss is still moody about it. That and the fact that Im moving to Sandusky..hopefully next week. Im more than ready...she keeps dragging her feet about it now. Ive been up her butt about it. Im ready for the weekend and to get away from her moodiness.

An accident happened right in front of me on Rt. 2 this am. It scared the bejesus out of me. I had to slam on my breaks to keep from missing the guy. He was in the westbound lane, lost control, went fishtailing into the median and then across my lane of traffic into the trees. I reacted calmly at the time of the accident, but after I got off the phone calling 911, I started shaking and had to pull over to calm myself. I can't wait til I don't have to travel that road anymore...lots of accidents on it...all the time...people driving too fast, not paying attention and a lot of semi traffice.

I copped out on the pot luck today. I usually bring really great quiches or breakfast casseroles. I brought donuts and bagels...take it or leave it.

Dinner with the fam tonight for my mom's birthday. Im excited to actually get to go out to eat...it has been a long time thanks to our decreased funds.

Have a great friday!

Adventures at the OB/GYN

I had my appointment with Dr. Visci yesterday. He did my first 6 month pap since my hysto and we talked about my ovarian cyst, aka angry ovary. We are doing another ultrasound this coming tuesday to assess how large it is, or if it has ruptured, and then discussing my options then. We are either going to go in and fish out the bad one, if the cyst is still there and large, or going to try to control them with birth control. He is fairly convinced that it ruptured, since he couldn't feel it when the ER doc could the other night, but wants to make sure it didn't just rotate around, since my ovaries are now "free balling." That is, they aren't attached to anything and they just kinda float around. I am hopeful that they can be controlled with birth control.

It never fails that idiots are in the waiting room while I am in the waiting room at my OB/GYN. I love how everyone assumes that you are there to try to have a baby if you have a ring on your finger. I had one woman come up to me, who must have seen me at many of my other appointments, and actually say, "Don't worry, it took me and my husband 3 years to finally get pregnant, but I have faith and you will be just as lucky." Really. I look at her and then say, "Honey, I had a hysto, I had cancer." She turned red and walked away. Who are you to approach me and give me words of encouragement when you don't know me?! Its not like I am reading all the parenting magazines, crying at the pictures of babies...Im the chick with the ONE car magazine in the place, or reading one of my books. Give me a break! I don't cry at the sight of a pregnant woman, wishing it were me.

Then, as I'm trying to get back into my book, a mother and daughter duo take up residence in chairs across from me, as in 2 ft across from me. The girl was MAYBE 14. She was all excited to FINALLY be put on birth control. Sick. If this wasn't enough, she starts bitching because her mom didn't get her the diamond encrusted bead for her pandora bracelet for her birthday. Gag. This ellicited a dirty look from me. As in, could you bitch quieter please...Im trying to read my book. Look goes unnoticed by girl, but very noticed by mother who tells daughter to keep it down. Next subject brought up by little girl, "Why can't my boyfriend spend the night?" Her reasoning...you know we are already doing it, so just let us do it. Im old enough... Again, dirty look from me, or one more of disgust. She went on for over 20 minutes about this. The entire staff behind the counter were making faces with looks of disgust...several people had moved farther away, and the mother was slouched down in her chair, embarrased. Finally, after I couldn't take her shrieking any longer, I look up, and firmly say, "could you please show a little more respect for your mother? and please keep it down?" The daughter responds, "why don't you show ME some respect, what's it to you." I respond, "well, its obvious that you don't have respect for anyone, considering that the entire office has moved away from your loud mouth and you are embarrasing your mother, so I think that it shows that I have more respect for your mother than you do. And if your going to voice your personal business in a quiet office, your making it EVERYBODY'S business and frankly Im sick of hearing you." That shut her up. A couple of the office girls actually started applauding and saying things like, "bout time somebody shut her up." The girl sat glaring at me for the next 10 min as I calmly read my book. When my name was finally called, I just stood up, smiled at her, and told her mom good luck. The office girls in the back were all laughing and coming over to tell me that they wished that they could have said something to the girl. I don't like being a bitch, but a half an hour of straight bitch talk from a little girl is not something that I handle well, especially when it is directly affecting me.
But seriously, I want, just one time, to go to this office and not have to deal with bullshit from other patients. Is that too much to ask?!

Pampered pooch

Do you think he's spoiled?
My dog thinks he's a person and is entitled to the couch AND a pillow. He will sigh and huff and puff when you tell him to get down so that YOU, a person, can sit on the couch. It's too funny.

Fall is in the air...

Well, not this morning. It is super muggy here. We have the AC back on at work and all fans going full blast.

However, this weekend, I got all my fall decorations out and pulled some old ones to sell in the next garage sale.

Fall is my favorite time of year. Fall is the season of my wedding vows. Fall will always bring back great memories from high school football games...games where it was comfy to wear our cheerleading skirts and our turtlenecks underneath our shells. Perfect cheering weather. Fall brings out a comfort that no other season can. It is perfectly acceptable to wear shorts and a sweatshirt. Fall nights give you a reason to have a bonfire and sit in the company of good friends doing absolutly nothing. Fall is orange, red, yellow, and burgandy.

Fall is when I make my yearly journey back to Heidelberg to gaze at two of my favorite things...1.) a patch of road on 101 that is completely enclosed by trees that turn brilliant shades of purple, red, and burgandy. It makes you feel like you are driving through the stained glass of St. Chapelle. The light filters through the trees the same way it does through these windows...

2.) the ginko tree located in front of the science hall. The lovely fan shaped leaves fall to the ground creating a golden carpet. One of my favorite teachers taught biology and made it a point to teach one class under that tree, on the golden floor...not much teaching was done on these days, but appreciation of the beauty around us was soaked in.

Im going to call the doctor today and tell him he needs to schedule me to have my "angry" ovary removed. I can't handle it any longer. Ive been in constant pain for over a week now. Im frustrated. Im nauseaus all the time. I haven't eaten a regular meal (and kept it down) for over a week. and now, to boot, I am constipated. I chugged half a bottle of mag citrate last night and broke down and gave myself a suppository. It has never felt so great to have liquid poop in my life. (I know, too much info, but hey, thats what you are here for.) I know my doctors all like "I want you to keep your ovaries as long as possible" but damn it...you try living like this! It isn't living. It is making it through the time between when you can be on the couch or in bed...that hour drive is killing me. Even though Im constipated, I feel the need to sit for ridiculously long periods of time on the toilet praying to poop. Praying to keep my lunch from coming back out my mouth. Praying for the pain in my left lower quadrant to stop for 5 damn minutes. I can't live on darvocet. I can't drive with it. I can't stay awake with it. I can't always keep it in my belly. Im sick of the nasty looks my boss gives me as I walk to the bathroom for the 20th time during the day. Sometimes men just don't get it. I still have another one...can't we just get rid of this pissed off one before it pisses off my other one?!

My moving day at work is getting closer. I love seeing all my pictures and unnecessary items in a box waiting to be rushed to the door.

My mind has been on overload for several days now. I can't keep things straight in there anymore...too many ideas, not enough space.

A "friend" from high school contacted me on facebook. I say "friend" because we weren't really friends. She was always super different from everyone else. We first met in elementary school. She and her brother are adopted. They always dressed different, like she would wear things that her mom would wear, with the same hair cut, but would be 8 years old with a sweater with a frilly lace collar that an 80 year old would wear. My mom made me be friends with her. Apparently she had it pretty rough before and that is another reason why she is so different. I felt bad for her. I tried to hang out and play with her, but it was uncomfortable because her mom had to sit with us while we played to make sure she played appropriately because she was "touched as a child and didn't understand that that isn't normal play for children." The friendship didn't last much past junior high, but I was always nice to her. She tried to be normal, it just won't ever happen. Anyways, she has gained a ton of weight and is close to 350lbs. She is trying to lose weight. She needs people to help keep her motivated and active. I offered to walk with her at the reservoir behind her house. I haven't talked to her in person since we graduated. I still feel bad for her and wonder how she is now. Im glad she contacted me, but I have never been so nervous to make a phone call in my life. Im not doing it out of pity, Im doing it because she is truly a nice person and I hope she can make this change to better herself. I just hope her mom doesnt follow us on our walks.

My boss loved an idea I came up with last night to help get repeat mastectomy business. I am proud of myself. Let's just say, Im stealing a clever tactic that Victoria's Secret uses.

Kevin is still jobless and I wish he would get bored enough at our house that he would clean the place top to bottom. I hate leaving notes of things to do like mom's do to children when they are on summer break. My note today..."FINISH THE LANDSCAPING!!!"

I want to go on "The Real World." Im too old now though. If I were on this season I so would have hooked up with Bronne...I love him but I don't know why...

I had a guy ask me this morning if I wanted a sugar daddy...an old Italian guy...too bad Im married. easy money. just joking. maybe, maybe not.

Im sad that "the swayze" has passed away. I loved watching him interact with his wife. You could always tell they were so in love. Im hoping for a dirty dancing marathon this weekend on WE or Lifetime....my fingers are crossed.

Yipee!!!

Got great news at work yesterday...THEY ARE MOVING ME TO THE SANDUSKY OFFICE!!!!! This means many things...
1.) 10 min from home instead of one hour
2.) save lots o' money on gas
3.) extra hour of sleep each day
4.) don't have to deal with idiot at my current location anymore
5.) I can make it to my second job when they would like me to be there instead of when I can get there
6.) my own office
7.) my own office next to three of my favorite people in sandusky
8.) getting home from work at 5:15 instead of 6:15

I could go on forever. I am so excited. When both managers called me in the office, I was scared, trying to figure out how I had messed up...couldn't think of anything, but both managers are never there so I was freaking! Then they told me. I struggled to keep from hopping in my chair because my current manager is a little bummed about it. But, seriously, I am so excited!

I am eating a delicious lunch provided by my Momo (grandma.) A lovely roast with potatoes, carrots, and green beans fresh from her garden. I love Momo's home cooking...just add salt, she can't have salt because of a disease that she has that affects her balance. That's ok though. It is making my day, especially watching all my coworkers drool over it. Mmmm. yummy.

My new positive outlook on life seems to be paying off so far...Im going to have to keep this up!

Eeeeek!

My house is currently being bombed for bugs. My cats are pissed off in their carriers chilling out in the garage for a couple hours while the fog clears. My house was being overtaken by spiders and that's not cool.

Yesterday I found a gigantic, by gigantic I mean 3" in diameter, spider in my bathtub. I was screaming at the top of my lungs like a little girl. Kevin washed it down the drain. I wasn't happy enough with that demise so I put some bleach down the drain to make sure it wouldn't climb back up. I was itchy for hours and my shower that night was the worst shower of my life. Shampoo hurts the eyes when you can't close them for fear.

So we get ready for bed, go upstairs, and do our usual fight over who is going to make the bed over who. Kevin jumps in and flings the covers back. There it is, scurrying along my clean sheets; another spider. More screaming ensues. Im throwing myself across the room to get away from the creature darting towards me. Kevin is scrambling to get out of bed because Im screaming, but he doesn't know what for. I stammer out that there is a spider in the bed and point to it crouching down in the middle of the bed, poised for attack. He tries to find something to kill it with...flip flop...perfect! I make him carry it downstairs to flush down the toilet. I couldn't sleep at all last night. Every time the sheet tickled across my foot, I would jerk myself awake and start the whole heart thumping process again.

Kevins job today is to ensure that no creature is living in our house when I get home...except my cats and dog of course. I can't handle spiders. They send me into a horrible fright. It is the one thing I am petrified by...and I am not joking.

can you see the resemblance?

We all joke that Turner looks like a mini-Grandpa Jack. Even my friends have commented. I love it...it makes me smile. The Steinbauer's certainly have a strong gene-pool...

The only benefit of a funeral...

is that you get to see family members and when a family member is a photographer, you get new family pictures. The dress may be darker than most of us normally wear, but we are all dressed well, appropriate, and hair and makeup done. That doesn't always happen. I got my cd of photos from my aunt yesterday. She really does such a nice job even though she only does photography as a hobby and took one course at a local community college. You be the judge...

Could I maybe photoshop my body to not be soooo white? Can you tell that Kevin borrowed a suit jacket from a friend that is 3" shorter than him?

The 14 siblings and Grandma...last time all 14 were in a photo together was somewhere around 1970...it's an amazing picture complete with plaid bellbottoms, afros, and bad glasses...

My brother Tanner and his wife Jen...possibly two of the most photogenic people on the planet...plus their eyes rock in pics!

I have yet to get a really good picture of them yet...always, someone isn't quite smiling...case in point. My dad and step mom.My grandma and grandpa...taken at my cousin's wedding in PA back in 2007...they looked so nice that day.

I am making an effort to change my life. I am done being at the place where I am at. I am going to start working out every day. I am applying for new jobs. I am not going to let my husband get me down, my friends get me down, myself get me down. Iam making a change for the better. Only I can do this for myself so I am going to make it happen.

I made salmon patties for dinner last night. I have never had them, but Kevin loves them. They made me feel a little white-trashy. I don't know why...I just hear a southern voice going "we's sophi-sto-cated, we's eating sal-mon."

tagged

Brandi over at bookjunkie tagged all on this questionaire...I love me some questionaires!

Available or married? Married

Best Friend? Beth, Jill, Carrie, Amanda

Cake or Pie? Pie

Drink of choice? Iced tea

Essential item for every day use? toothbrush

Favorite color? blue

Google? yes please!

Hometown? Bellevue, also known as Belltucky

Indulgences? shoes

January or February? February

Kids and their names? My two cats, Stewart Puffincocks III, Nubby St. Nubbins, and my dog, Malarky "Bull" Shitter (see why we don't have kids?!)

Life is incomplete without...? coffee, love, friends

Marriage date? 10-13-2007

Number of siblings? 3 brothers, Tanner, Joe, Jake, and one step brother, Ben

Oranges or apples? apples...all day, every day

Phobias and fears? heights, SPIDERS

Quote for the day? "We's some hot bitches, even while throwing gang signs." Jill Reed regarding girls night (you will see what I mean once I post pics!)

Reason to smile? Pictures from girls night

Tag 3 people to complete this on their blogs? Jen, Lora, MJ

Unknown fact about me? I dance in the shower

Vegetable you hate? Brussel sprouts...blah

Worst habit? picking my cuticles...when Im nervous

X-Rays you've had? knee, ankle, chest, teeth

Your fave food? Steak, scallops, lobster bisque...mmmmm

Zodiac sign? Taurus. you wanna fight?

I really will put up picks from girls night when I get a chance. Right now the pics jill sent me won't load, some internal error bullshit. Soon, very soon. I promise they are worth the wait.

Hellstorm of drunk girls

Even with the shitty news friday, I still managed to have a shit ton of fun saturday. I conveniently left my camera on my friends kitchen counter, so these are stolen from my friend Jill...

at jackie's "bar" in her basement for pregame

Well into the game here...notice the hands...we's gangstas

Hand placement is key...

The shoes didn't make it the whole night...

There were multiple pictures of us with mouths open, with peace signs, or some other hand signs...we think we are gangsta's when we drink. I will do a little expose on that later.

So I have decided that I am just going to pull an ostrich and bury my head in the sand until things clear up.
Friday, 20 min before I got off work, Kevin called me to tell me they had laid him off at work. Great. I really don't know how much more I can take. I am sick of bad news. I am ready for good news. I had a gray cloud hanging over me all weekend because of it.
I am trying to be hopeful. Last time he got laid off, back in Feb., he was only off for 6 days before he found another job. It's just that we can't make ends meet on my dwindling paycheck. I am talking to my boss after lunch and letting her know that they need to do something to keep me here or I am going to start looking elsewhere. You can't keep cutting my paycheck and expect me to still drive an hour to work. Help me out here. I am just tired and frustrated. It's awesome looking in your cabinets for food to make for dinner and tryng to figure out what to do with the 6 items you have. Our savings account was smashed by my medical bills-which we are still working on paying off. I just don't get how two hard working people like Kevin and I keep getting the short end of the stick?! I want a break.
My family keeps telling me that God only gives you what you can handle, but damn it, I am at my breaking point.
I have so many things I should be happy about right now, but making our house payment, having food to eat, and gas to get to work are out-weighing those positive things right now. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel because right now the batteries are dead in my flashlight.

My days are all mixed up this week. It feels like wednesday to me even though it is friday. This is a good mix-up...it could be the other way around as it normally is.
I am looking forward to my long weekend. I need the rest. Tonight I will be spending the evening with Joe...he is home from the army for a few days. This will be the first time he has been home in 9 months and 4 months since I have seen him last. We are planning on just chilling at my house, watching tv, probably ordering pizza, checking out the new tattoos he has acquired since leaving home. I am more than excited to see him, but have been trying to put it out of my mind today so that the day doesn't drag along like it likes to. 5pm will not come soon enough,.
Saturday is my girls night in Cleveland. I am uber excited about this. I haven't been out with just the girls since Tiff's bachelorette party last june. It is due time for some dancing, "whooing," high-heel wearing, drunk stumbling, picture taking, girl time. I just hope the limo driver can handle our loud mouths. We are not a quiet bunch by any means. I am wearing a dress out...I have never done this before, but the dress is meant to be worn out for a good time, not to mourn in as it was used for on tuesday. It has pockets. Can I tell you just how excited I am about the pockets?! Im from little old Clyde Ohio, we don't get trendy clothing in this area, but this dress makes me feel trendy, modern, and sophisticated...and it is low cut but still covers my tatas...I can't explain how that works, but it does. Another benefit of girls night, I get to combine two groups of friends. The core group that set this up was my Cleveland buddies. We are each bringing a couple friends from outside the group. We are all excited about this. We are men with vaginas and boobs...my friends from in town are the same way. I can't wait to meet new people and have my friends meet my cleveland bunch that I rave about so often.
Sunday and monday will be used for recoup. I am sure I will need both days. I am not 21 anymore.
Did I tell you I started back at my friend's restaurant? The place is called Fontana's in Bellevue. Just a little Italian restaurant that one of my best friends has owned since we were 20. I have worked for him off and on since 2003, helping out whenever he can't find decent high school kids to work. It is only a couple of hours a week and I deliver and wash dishes. It's not even like work because we talk about music, movies, our friends, and families the whole time. Before you know it, it is closing time. It's like getting paid to socialize. My type of job.
I hope you all have a great weekend!

Reminents of a Memorial

My Grandpa Jack passed away on Friday. I got the call at work that they were coding him. I knew he wouldn't make it. His body was tired. He was ready to move on. I am glad I got to spend last Friday with him. I am still sad though.

The showing and funeral were nice. Our family is huge, but super close. It brings comfort to me...that and we all look alike. You can see grandpa in all of our faces. It's like he was there with us. I was a pallbearer along with 7 of my first cousins. We had to sit together at the mass. It was hard seeing my brother cry, my male cousins, my uncles and father who did a Eulogy. Father Joe, who is a cousin as well, my Grandpa's nephew did his mass. It was the most personal mass I have ever been to. It was beautiful, and sad, and funny, and heartwarming, and comforting. I have never prayed the rosary so many times before in my live. But it is something that Grandpa loved to do, so we did this to assure his soul didn't get lost on it's way to heaven. To make sure he knew how much we loved him. To show how strong we knew his faith was.

I lost it at the grave site. When they played taps. That song always gets me. It is so forlorn, so sad, so final. I know he is in a good place. I know he is watching all his "babies." I know that he was ready and that makes me happy. But I will miss him so much.

I found a voicemail on my phone from him last night. I listened to his voice over and over. Smiling and crying at the same time.

Im going to miss you Grandpa Jack. I love you.