Monday, June 15, 2009

The cost of love

I thought I was going to be in the process of finding a new home, restarting my life, and in the midst of a divorce by this morning, from how things were looking friday night.
It all started out so well. We went to a cookout/bonfire with some friends. Kicked back, relaxed, had a couple glasses of wine or beer (which ever you prefer) and had great conversation.
Kevin and I get home and are getting ready for bed...that's when it all happened. I was lazily laying on the couch, waiting for him to finish up in the bathroom when I hear, "Haley, get in here." He only uses my name when he is mad, which infuriates me. He was looking at my phone. My stomach instantly is in my throat. I know what he is looking at. A text from my friend, Eddie, that said something to the effect that he feels that is life is more complete because of our relationship. Kevin is furious. I am trying to explain to kevin that it is in regards to our friendship and nothing more. Kevin doesn't want to hear any of it. He flies out in a fit of rage. Throws my phone and begins crying/lashing out at anything that is not human. We no longer have a door on our spare bedroom. I try talking to him, but it is no use at this point. He has been drinking, he doesn't want to hear what I am saying, and if I keep pushing Iknow it will result in physical contact. I back off, call my friend Carrie, who calms me down, and I attempt to sleep. All the animals crawl into bed with me (including the dog-who is normally a daddy's boy.)
I get up in the morning, 6am. no sleep. I go upstairs and try to talk to him. He still doesn't want anything to do with me. I talk anyways and tell him if I wanted to be with someone else, I would. That I wouldn't stick around if I wasn't happy. That Eddie and I are friends and only friends. I mean come on. He was the first person I introduced Kevin to, I hooked him up with his current wife, and they just had a beautiful baby boy. There is no physical attraction there. We just connect on a level unlike any other. Kevin doesn't understand it. I dont expect him to. I tell him I am willing to stop all contact with Eddie, even though we only ever talked on the phone. He wasn't as important to me as Kevin was. Kevin tells me he needs time to think. I give him three hours. After this, I am pissed. I storm outside, where he is and remind him of the time I found a girls phone number in his phone, the time I found out he had taken a chic on MY bike and pretty much told her that he was single, when we were engaged; how I had looked past this because I trusted what he had to say, not everyone else. If he couldn't trust me than we really didn't need to be together. That it would kill me to leave him, but that I could do it. That I never cheated on him with eddie, and wouldn't stand by idley and be accused of doing so. He got the point and we made up.
Kevin is insecure with himself. He didn't go to college so he cant understand the connection that you have with people from school. He doesn't understand how girls and guys can be friends without having sex. Even though a large majority of my friends have always been guys. He has had even more insecurities because of recent meet ups with friends from college. Him hearing about a different part of my life, that he wasn't a real part of. I have given up so much for Kevin and at times it seems that it is never enough and that frustrates the hell out of me. I turned down Temple University for Podiatry school because I knew he wouldn't be able to handle me moving away. I gave up a lot to stay in the area I grew up in becuase it is where he is most comforatble and feels the least amount of threat. I am sick of giving things up. I am frustrated. I am tired. I am tired of trying to dumb myself down and limit myself to people that he feels comfortable with. He knows I am tired and is trying to make changes. I don't get why he doesn't see that I chose HIM. I gave up a large portion of myself to be with him and I am happy. He doesn't need to be so insecure. I don't know what else to do to convince him of this. I just can't give up anymore of myself for him.


  1. Funny that you posted this now. Just this weekend it hit me (and spewed out like Pandora's Box) how fed up I was for giving up parts of myself for Shane. I don't regret it but I want to be recognized. Hope things are better by the time you read this.

    And I don't get why people don't understand how a man and woman can be friends without attraction. Grow up people!

  2. I'm really sorry you had to go through this. It's unfortunate but all too true that most people are not comfortable with their loved ones having friends of the opposite sex. I know my husband wouldn't be, and I don't blame him. I have jealous tendencies too and it has nothing to do with not trusting him. I hope you and Kevin can work it out.

  3. I hope this works itself out in time between the two of you. I've been there and I know how you feel. Exactly how you feel. My ex husband and I has this kind of relationship and I remember telling myself the same things you said here. Its no fun that's for sure!!