Monday, July 27, 2009
And then I get this...
" Things are better, we talked for an hour and a half last night. We will see what happens. Im bummed about the things he's done, but I feel like Im not ready to give up yet. I have to keep fighting. I don't understand?!" Yesterday was their one year anniversary. I get it, it's hard to walk away. But honestly, after 6 months of counciling, with no changes on his part; I think the fight should be over. I don't know what else there is for her to hold on to. I just don't get it. I don't know what to say to her. I told her I was afraid she would become like Kevin's mother, a shell of a person, still trying to make her marriage work after 29 years, no love, just her trying her ass off with nothing coming from his end, but more abuse. Her being stuck at home, afraid to leave, because if she leaves she may do something wrong in his eyes and then he would leave. I don't get it. Her response to that was, "well, I guess I will have to learn the hard way." What am I supposed to say to that?! I wanted to scream "what is it going to take?! You getting HIV?! You getting herpes?!" He is no longer welcome in my house. I can't allow him there, I will hurt him. I can't stand the mf'er. I won't sit around and watch him make jokes about his wife and hit on every other female in the room. I know this will just make her not come to my house any longer for parties, cookouts, etc., but damn it, I can't stand by and watch it and not say anything. That isn't me. Tiffany once told me that she loves me because I am honest with her, that I don't mince words, that I tell her the truth even if it hurts. I think that's what friends should do. My advice in this situation, cut your losses now before you have more time invested, before you become weaker, before you get kids involved. She doesn't want to hear it. I know its hard. I have been here before. The big difference, Kevin got help and he made changes. He realized that he was about to lose the one good thing in his life. He realized that I was serious about leaving. He got that point when he didn't hear from me for 3 weeks. Jon doesn't care. He once told me when they were fighting, "don't worry, she'll come back. she will never leave me. " and then he laughed. God I hate this man. I don't want to cut my contact with Tiffany, but I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell her that I don't want to hear it, I want to be there for her, but I don't know if I can just sit back and listen to her cry and not do anything about it anymore. Im heartbroken for her...Im losing someone that I care about deeply. She is less herself everyday. Im losing my BFF.
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Tough love sister. It's going to be difficult to let her "learn the hard way", but at this point I think you are allowing her to walk all over you. She's taking advantage of your friendship. It sounds like she isn't going to take anyone's advice, but wants to see you hurt with her as she goes through this mess of a marriage. Step away before she drags you down. I'm not saying turn your back on a friend, but it's going to take her realizing how alone she really is to help herself. That's my 2 cents. Hang in there girl!
ReplyDeleteI asked her if she was mad at me because I basically told her it wasn't worth the fight, she stated that she is just in a hard place, that it is easy for everyone to tell her to walk away, but she loves him and it isn't easy. I totally understand, but any man that continually cheated on me would be out the door. no matter how much i loved him.
ReplyDeleteBefore I got married, my husband and I had to go to one of those classes where they make you think about whether this decision is right for you. I remember walking away with some of the best advice ever...
ReplyDeleteNo matter what your spouse does wrong, don't share your problems with friends or family. They will always remember the bad things you told them.
If she doesn't want you to judge him then she shouldn't talk to you about it. I know she's looking for a shoulder to cry on, but if it's going to be yours then she has to be able to take the advice you're going to give her.
I think she's going to need more therapy.
Frustrating and maddening and saddening on so many levels. It's hard to care more about a person and their situation more than they do. I agree with Jen - this may be a situation, no matter how hard, that you just have to step back from so that she can work her way out of it. I do hope you don't lose her.
ReplyDeleteSo frustrating. And unfortunately - she's not going to listen and she will learn the hard way. I understand your anger - you try to help and she won't listen or accept it. I've been there, and I've had friends who've done this and won't listen to me, and I get to a point where I say, 'then stop complaining to me. i'm sick of hearing it when you won't do anything about it.' you can only listen and be supportive for so long before it's obvious the friend is taking advantage. So at some point you have to just walk away and let her make her mistakes. And hopefully you won't lose her all together. So sad!
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