Check out this clip from Oprah's website...
I don't know if you follow NieNie or not, but I love reading her blog. She gives me hope and makes me realize that sometimes my problems aren't as big as they could be. I always leave her blog feeling thankful.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Bridging, mending, hoping
My nieces, Emma and April, are back in town from MO. They are here for the rest of the month of October and I am uber excited.
I am excited because next week we are taking them to see "Where The Wild Things Are," which I am super excited about anyways because it has been one of my favorite books since childhood. I am also excited because it is Emma and April's favorite book. I have a kids bookshelf at the top of my stairs and it is the first place they go when they get to my house. The first book grabbed is always WTWTR. I guess Emma has been talking about the movie since she first saw the preview. She is a little tomboy and reminds me of Max in a way, so I am sure she will connect the with movie the most.
We are also planning on taking the girls to the circus. Barnum and Bailey will be in town at the end of the month. It will be my first real circus (aside from the circuses that are set up in grocery store parking lots.) We are hoping to find out what route the train is taking to take the girls to see the train roll in with all the animals and super fancy cars. I saw it once as a child pass through Bellevue. It was amazing! I want them to have that same experience.
I am kind of hoping that the girls being in town sans mom will make Kevin have to talk to his mother. He has not talked to her in over 3 1/2 years now. He had a huge falling out with his father (I don't blame him) but it cost him his relationship with his mother...basically because it puts her in a potentially dangerous situtation if his dad knows that Judy is talking to Kevin...Kevin's father is abusive but kevin's mother will not leave him...even though both of her children have offered her a place to stay, for free-and his dad has no clue where we live. Its a sad situation, but I am hoping that when I call Judy to set up a time to get the kids, I can pass the phone off to Kevin and they can actually talk. Im hoping. Fingers crossed.
Kevin has pent up anger about his mother. He feels like she chose her husband over her child, but he can't see the position she is in. A long time abused woman doesn't always have the strength to leave a husband, even if she has an out. He can't look at it from that point of view. He just thinks she is weak. He can't see that she loves him and is praying for that one day when she wakes up and her husband is different. She still has that hope. That is what she told me when I asked her to come stay with me. She looked me in the eyes, with tears brimming and said, "I can't leave him yet. I still believe he can change. He loves me, he is just sick. I can't give up on him yet." It broke my heart and infuriated me, but now I understand. Kind of. Im just hoping that Kevin is able to reconnect with his mother before it is too late and he doesn't have the choice.
I am hoping Emma and April can be that bridge without even knowing it. I love when April comes over and puts her hands on her hips, furrows her brows, and says to kevin, "Grandma's mad at you! You better call her! She said you hurt her feelings!" I love how a child's innocent words can speak volumes. Kevin cried in front of me about his mother that night. Those girls make him see what he is missing. They make him see that maybe he needs to make that first step.
I have always contacted Judy at work. I don't dare call her at home, for fear that his father would answer...there is still a lot of hate there. I don't think I could even hold back my words. I said my peace to him the day that we moved out, but he can open wounds with small attacking words. Plus, Judy can be herself at work and not have to mask who she is talking to, plus she can keep secret the fact that she is talking to me. I hate that it has to be that way, but I will hold onto the fringe of a relationship that we have left that way until it can be more again. I know that someday we will be able to sit and drink coffee and talk for hours again. I just don't know when that day will be. I miss her so much.
I am excited because next week we are taking them to see "Where The Wild Things Are," which I am super excited about anyways because it has been one of my favorite books since childhood. I am also excited because it is Emma and April's favorite book. I have a kids bookshelf at the top of my stairs and it is the first place they go when they get to my house. The first book grabbed is always WTWTR. I guess Emma has been talking about the movie since she first saw the preview. She is a little tomboy and reminds me of Max in a way, so I am sure she will connect the with movie the most.
We are also planning on taking the girls to the circus. Barnum and Bailey will be in town at the end of the month. It will be my first real circus (aside from the circuses that are set up in grocery store parking lots.) We are hoping to find out what route the train is taking to take the girls to see the train roll in with all the animals and super fancy cars. I saw it once as a child pass through Bellevue. It was amazing! I want them to have that same experience.
I am kind of hoping that the girls being in town sans mom will make Kevin have to talk to his mother. He has not talked to her in over 3 1/2 years now. He had a huge falling out with his father (I don't blame him) but it cost him his relationship with his mother...basically because it puts her in a potentially dangerous situtation if his dad knows that Judy is talking to Kevin...Kevin's father is abusive but kevin's mother will not leave him...even though both of her children have offered her a place to stay, for free-and his dad has no clue where we live. Its a sad situation, but I am hoping that when I call Judy to set up a time to get the kids, I can pass the phone off to Kevin and they can actually talk. Im hoping. Fingers crossed.
Kevin has pent up anger about his mother. He feels like she chose her husband over her child, but he can't see the position she is in. A long time abused woman doesn't always have the strength to leave a husband, even if she has an out. He can't look at it from that point of view. He just thinks she is weak. He can't see that she loves him and is praying for that one day when she wakes up and her husband is different. She still has that hope. That is what she told me when I asked her to come stay with me. She looked me in the eyes, with tears brimming and said, "I can't leave him yet. I still believe he can change. He loves me, he is just sick. I can't give up on him yet." It broke my heart and infuriated me, but now I understand. Kind of. Im just hoping that Kevin is able to reconnect with his mother before it is too late and he doesn't have the choice.
I am hoping Emma and April can be that bridge without even knowing it. I love when April comes over and puts her hands on her hips, furrows her brows, and says to kevin, "Grandma's mad at you! You better call her! She said you hurt her feelings!" I love how a child's innocent words can speak volumes. Kevin cried in front of me about his mother that night. Those girls make him see what he is missing. They make him see that maybe he needs to make that first step.
I have always contacted Judy at work. I don't dare call her at home, for fear that his father would answer...there is still a lot of hate there. I don't think I could even hold back my words. I said my peace to him the day that we moved out, but he can open wounds with small attacking words. Plus, Judy can be herself at work and not have to mask who she is talking to, plus she can keep secret the fact that she is talking to me. I hate that it has to be that way, but I will hold onto the fringe of a relationship that we have left that way until it can be more again. I know that someday we will be able to sit and drink coffee and talk for hours again. I just don't know when that day will be. I miss her so much.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
random musings and thoughts
Im sitting at my desk at lunch, being a good girl, eating a turkey sandwich, 1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese, and a yummy red delicious apple...my favorite (I can eat a whole bag in one sitting if I want to...I blame it on the fact that I grew up with a farm market in my family and the best apples around) Anyways, Im feeling stagnant again and I hate it. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I was laid up for a week, unable to do anything and I went straight back to work with no "fun" day between the two. Or it could be the fact that my boss is actually mad that I missed a week of work because I had emergency surgery and it's making me want to bitch slap her and scream, "PEOPLE HAVE EMERGENCIES, GET OVER IT!" Or it could be this undying feeling that I want to go back to school but can't seem to find a program that I like that fits into my schedule and budget. Arg. Im trying to stay positive on this one, it's just that all the local colleges around here that offer weekend classes suck ass and have stupid programs. Eventually I will break down and take up evening and weekend jobs and go back to school fulltime...money just won't let me right now....that and the fact that I need health insurance.
Oh my God, this apple is delish! I want about 6 more. now. I left the rest at home for a reason. Did you know that apples have an addictive substance in their peel? That is why you crave more after you have had one. I know people that have quit smoking by exchanging cigarettes for apples. That's pretty cool. And healthy.
My sister in law has made me have a craving to change my hair. It is getting way long again. I think I want to go short again, but hate all the work that comes with it. But I want something different.
My husband has been hanging out with a 19 year old kid that he used to work with. He's nice and all, but I can only handle so many sexual remarks in one day...he reaches my limit within 15 min. He can turn anything you say into a sexual inuendo. It pisses me off, but makes me laugh at the same time. He is so not a suave guy. He needs to turn on his filter and not say everything that pops in his head...like, "she can ride my meatstick." as I flip past a chick on dancing with the stars, or "I'll give you something to dip your apple in" as I walk into my living room with sliced apples and caramel dip. really. he said that last night. That's when I yelled that I am a girl to him and told him not to talk to me that way, especially in my house...that it was disrespectful. Kevin just laughed. And then asks me 10 seconds later to hook him up with my hot cousin. That got a big laugh out of me. Dork. Yeah right. Then he assures me that he can be a perfect gentleman when he wants to. I informed him that he needs to be one to me because, hey, Im a chick. I don't want to be talked to like Im another guy in the room all the time.
I talked to Kevin about possibly doing the half marathon in Akron like Tanner and Jen did this year, next year. He is all for it. We are going to start training as soon as I am healed up enough to start running again. I think it would be awesome to eventually do a full marathon. We will see what happens.
Oh my God, this apple is delish! I want about 6 more. now. I left the rest at home for a reason. Did you know that apples have an addictive substance in their peel? That is why you crave more after you have had one. I know people that have quit smoking by exchanging cigarettes for apples. That's pretty cool. And healthy.
My sister in law has made me have a craving to change my hair. It is getting way long again. I think I want to go short again, but hate all the work that comes with it. But I want something different.
My husband has been hanging out with a 19 year old kid that he used to work with. He's nice and all, but I can only handle so many sexual remarks in one day...he reaches my limit within 15 min. He can turn anything you say into a sexual inuendo. It pisses me off, but makes me laugh at the same time. He is so not a suave guy. He needs to turn on his filter and not say everything that pops in his head...like, "she can ride my meatstick." as I flip past a chick on dancing with the stars, or "I'll give you something to dip your apple in" as I walk into my living room with sliced apples and caramel dip. really. he said that last night. That's when I yelled that I am a girl to him and told him not to talk to me that way, especially in my house...that it was disrespectful. Kevin just laughed. And then asks me 10 seconds later to hook him up with my hot cousin. That got a big laugh out of me. Dork. Yeah right. Then he assures me that he can be a perfect gentleman when he wants to. I informed him that he needs to be one to me because, hey, Im a chick. I don't want to be talked to like Im another guy in the room all the time.
I talked to Kevin about possibly doing the half marathon in Akron like Tanner and Jen did this year, next year. He is all for it. We are going to start training as soon as I am healed up enough to start running again. I think it would be awesome to eventually do a full marathon. We will see what happens.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Alive and kicking...
I had quite a tumultuous weekend last week. After feeling shitty the entire weekend and finally sick of dealing with the pain. I called my doc on sunday and asked him what I should do. My pain we out of control. I couldn't get comfortable and it felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly. The pain had be vomitting and dry heaving to the point where I broke every blood vessel in my face. I was pretty. He said that my pain wasn't in line with ovarian cysts and that I needed to get to the ER.
I get there. They immediatly take me back to a room...they being a guy that I graduated with that was voted best looking on senior day...he just looked at me and said, "wow, you look horrible." I said thanks.
Dilaudid...doesn't touch my pain. By the time my doctor is finally called in, after suffering through an abdominal x-ray, then CT scan where I could barely keep my legs straight, my pain is out of control again. I am crying, moaning, and unable to lay still on my bed. My doc walks in, looks at the ER doc and asks why my pain isn't under control. He immediately calls for the nurse to give me demerol now. I was quite happy after my shot of demerol...finally the pain was under control. All my tests came back negative except for the cyst on my left ovary that we already knew about. My doc was convinced there was something else going on. Off to emergency surgery I go.
They found that I had ovarian torsion...that is, my ovary was strangling itself. It had literally tied the ligament/tube that held it in place in a knot and would allow blood flow in, but not back out so the blood that was in the ovary would eventually die and become stagnant. My body was being poisoned by my angry ovary. This is why I have been so sick lately with nausea, vomitting, and diarrhea. My body was trying to tell me that it was bad. So, basically, I got my wish. The doctor removed my angry ovary and I have a lovely incision to prove it. I am excited to get back on the road to recovery and eventually be able to do a sit up again...still struggling with that one!
I am hoping to not have anymore suprises with my lady parts for a long, long time. I think I have had my fair share for this year...it is someone elses turn. Any takers?
I get there. They immediatly take me back to a room...they being a guy that I graduated with that was voted best looking on senior day...he just looked at me and said, "wow, you look horrible." I said thanks.
Dilaudid...doesn't touch my pain. By the time my doctor is finally called in, after suffering through an abdominal x-ray, then CT scan where I could barely keep my legs straight, my pain is out of control again. I am crying, moaning, and unable to lay still on my bed. My doc walks in, looks at the ER doc and asks why my pain isn't under control. He immediately calls for the nurse to give me demerol now. I was quite happy after my shot of demerol...finally the pain was under control. All my tests came back negative except for the cyst on my left ovary that we already knew about. My doc was convinced there was something else going on. Off to emergency surgery I go.
They found that I had ovarian torsion...that is, my ovary was strangling itself. It had literally tied the ligament/tube that held it in place in a knot and would allow blood flow in, but not back out so the blood that was in the ovary would eventually die and become stagnant. My body was being poisoned by my angry ovary. This is why I have been so sick lately with nausea, vomitting, and diarrhea. My body was trying to tell me that it was bad. So, basically, I got my wish. The doctor removed my angry ovary and I have a lovely incision to prove it. I am excited to get back on the road to recovery and eventually be able to do a sit up again...still struggling with that one!
I am hoping to not have anymore suprises with my lady parts for a long, long time. I think I have had my fair share for this year...it is someone elses turn. Any takers?
Friday, September 25, 2009
My best friend's little brother, Daniel, just posted on his facebook page that he loves older women. He is in the navy and is the same age as my little brother, joe...21-22. I ask him what he means by older women. He comes back with...you know, your age and up to 40. Im 28. I can understand this. Older women appreciate good looking young men with hard bodies and even harder manhoods that are ready to go at any time. Young women their age are idiots and dont realize what their hot bodied men are going to turn into in 10 years when they are married...
I kick myself on a daily basis for not hooking up with a guy that is Joe's age that asked me out when he was 17 (4 days shy of 18) and I was 24. He is gorgeous. The hottest body ever. Seriously. I am dumb. Even if we just made out. Damn it. What was I thinking. I told Daniel this...he just laughs. "yeah, he was smitten with you." Damn it! Why God, why!?!?!
Yeah, I know, its a douchey picture, but if I had this body I would be displaying it everywhere as well...yummy. Again, I am an idiot for passing this up. But at that age, I was all hot bodied myself thinking I could get me an older man that would appreciate me...not so much. DAMN IT!!!!
Free falling in an airplane, being chased by alligators at a flooded gas station, and my ex boyfriend all in one dream...why do I even try to figure out what they mean? I can still feel my stomach in my mouth from the free fall...it actually woke me up...crazy.
Happy Friday. It's been a long week. My boss has been in a mood. Today is our marketing girls last day. She is super nice and has worked for the company for a long time. We are truly losing a great employee. My boss is still moody about it. That and the fact that Im moving to Sandusky..hopefully next week. Im more than ready...she keeps dragging her feet about it now. Ive been up her butt about it. Im ready for the weekend and to get away from her moodiness.
An accident happened right in front of me on Rt. 2 this am. It scared the bejesus out of me. I had to slam on my breaks to keep from missing the guy. He was in the westbound lane, lost control, went fishtailing into the median and then across my lane of traffic into the trees. I reacted calmly at the time of the accident, but after I got off the phone calling 911, I started shaking and had to pull over to calm myself. I can't wait til I don't have to travel that road anymore...lots of accidents on it...all the time...people driving too fast, not paying attention and a lot of semi traffice.
I copped out on the pot luck today. I usually bring really great quiches or breakfast casseroles. I brought donuts and bagels...take it or leave it.
Dinner with the fam tonight for my mom's birthday. Im excited to actually get to go out to eat...it has been a long time thanks to our decreased funds.
Have a great friday!
Happy Friday. It's been a long week. My boss has been in a mood. Today is our marketing girls last day. She is super nice and has worked for the company for a long time. We are truly losing a great employee. My boss is still moody about it. That and the fact that Im moving to Sandusky..hopefully next week. Im more than ready...she keeps dragging her feet about it now. Ive been up her butt about it. Im ready for the weekend and to get away from her moodiness.
An accident happened right in front of me on Rt. 2 this am. It scared the bejesus out of me. I had to slam on my breaks to keep from missing the guy. He was in the westbound lane, lost control, went fishtailing into the median and then across my lane of traffic into the trees. I reacted calmly at the time of the accident, but after I got off the phone calling 911, I started shaking and had to pull over to calm myself. I can't wait til I don't have to travel that road anymore...lots of accidents on it...all the time...people driving too fast, not paying attention and a lot of semi traffice.
I copped out on the pot luck today. I usually bring really great quiches or breakfast casseroles. I brought donuts and bagels...take it or leave it.
Dinner with the fam tonight for my mom's birthday. Im excited to actually get to go out to eat...it has been a long time thanks to our decreased funds.
Have a great friday!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Adventures at the OB/GYN
I had my appointment with Dr. Visci yesterday. He did my first 6 month pap since my hysto and we talked about my ovarian cyst, aka angry ovary. We are doing another ultrasound this coming tuesday to assess how large it is, or if it has ruptured, and then discussing my options then. We are either going to go in and fish out the bad one, if the cyst is still there and large, or going to try to control them with birth control. He is fairly convinced that it ruptured, since he couldn't feel it when the ER doc could the other night, but wants to make sure it didn't just rotate around, since my ovaries are now "free balling." That is, they aren't attached to anything and they just kinda float around. I am hopeful that they can be controlled with birth control.
It never fails that idiots are in the waiting room while I am in the waiting room at my OB/GYN. I love how everyone assumes that you are there to try to have a baby if you have a ring on your finger. I had one woman come up to me, who must have seen me at many of my other appointments, and actually say, "Don't worry, it took me and my husband 3 years to finally get pregnant, but I have faith and you will be just as lucky." Really. I look at her and then say, "Honey, I had a hysto, I had cancer." She turned red and walked away. Who are you to approach me and give me words of encouragement when you don't know me?! Its not like I am reading all the parenting magazines, crying at the pictures of babies...Im the chick with the ONE car magazine in the place, or reading one of my books. Give me a break! I don't cry at the sight of a pregnant woman, wishing it were me.
Then, as I'm trying to get back into my book, a mother and daughter duo take up residence in chairs across from me, as in 2 ft across from me. The girl was MAYBE 14. She was all excited to FINALLY be put on birth control. Sick. If this wasn't enough, she starts bitching because her mom didn't get her the diamond encrusted bead for her pandora bracelet for her birthday. Gag. This ellicited a dirty look from me. As in, could you bitch quieter please...Im trying to read my book. Look goes unnoticed by girl, but very noticed by mother who tells daughter to keep it down. Next subject brought up by little girl, "Why can't my boyfriend spend the night?" Her reasoning...you know we are already doing it, so just let us do it. Im old enough... Again, dirty look from me, or one more of disgust. She went on for over 20 minutes about this. The entire staff behind the counter were making faces with looks of disgust...several people had moved farther away, and the mother was slouched down in her chair, embarrased. Finally, after I couldn't take her shrieking any longer, I look up, and firmly say, "could you please show a little more respect for your mother? and please keep it down?" The daughter responds, "why don't you show ME some respect, what's it to you." I respond, "well, its obvious that you don't have respect for anyone, considering that the entire office has moved away from your loud mouth and you are embarrasing your mother, so I think that it shows that I have more respect for your mother than you do. And if your going to voice your personal business in a quiet office, your making it EVERYBODY'S business and frankly Im sick of hearing you." That shut her up. A couple of the office girls actually started applauding and saying things like, "bout time somebody shut her up." The girl sat glaring at me for the next 10 min as I calmly read my book. When my name was finally called, I just stood up, smiled at her, and told her mom good luck. The office girls in the back were all laughing and coming over to tell me that they wished that they could have said something to the girl. I don't like being a bitch, but a half an hour of straight bitch talk from a little girl is not something that I handle well, especially when it is directly affecting me.
But seriously, I want, just one time, to go to this office and not have to deal with bullshit from other patients. Is that too much to ask?!
It never fails that idiots are in the waiting room while I am in the waiting room at my OB/GYN. I love how everyone assumes that you are there to try to have a baby if you have a ring on your finger. I had one woman come up to me, who must have seen me at many of my other appointments, and actually say, "Don't worry, it took me and my husband 3 years to finally get pregnant, but I have faith and you will be just as lucky." Really. I look at her and then say, "Honey, I had a hysto, I had cancer." She turned red and walked away. Who are you to approach me and give me words of encouragement when you don't know me?! Its not like I am reading all the parenting magazines, crying at the pictures of babies...Im the chick with the ONE car magazine in the place, or reading one of my books. Give me a break! I don't cry at the sight of a pregnant woman, wishing it were me.
Then, as I'm trying to get back into my book, a mother and daughter duo take up residence in chairs across from me, as in 2 ft across from me. The girl was MAYBE 14. She was all excited to FINALLY be put on birth control. Sick. If this wasn't enough, she starts bitching because her mom didn't get her the diamond encrusted bead for her pandora bracelet for her birthday. Gag. This ellicited a dirty look from me. As in, could you bitch quieter please...Im trying to read my book. Look goes unnoticed by girl, but very noticed by mother who tells daughter to keep it down. Next subject brought up by little girl, "Why can't my boyfriend spend the night?" Her reasoning...you know we are already doing it, so just let us do it. Im old enough... Again, dirty look from me, or one more of disgust. She went on for over 20 minutes about this. The entire staff behind the counter were making faces with looks of disgust...several people had moved farther away, and the mother was slouched down in her chair, embarrased. Finally, after I couldn't take her shrieking any longer, I look up, and firmly say, "could you please show a little more respect for your mother? and please keep it down?" The daughter responds, "why don't you show ME some respect, what's it to you." I respond, "well, its obvious that you don't have respect for anyone, considering that the entire office has moved away from your loud mouth and you are embarrasing your mother, so I think that it shows that I have more respect for your mother than you do. And if your going to voice your personal business in a quiet office, your making it EVERYBODY'S business and frankly Im sick of hearing you." That shut her up. A couple of the office girls actually started applauding and saying things like, "bout time somebody shut her up." The girl sat glaring at me for the next 10 min as I calmly read my book. When my name was finally called, I just stood up, smiled at her, and told her mom good luck. The office girls in the back were all laughing and coming over to tell me that they wished that they could have said something to the girl. I don't like being a bitch, but a half an hour of straight bitch talk from a little girl is not something that I handle well, especially when it is directly affecting me.
But seriously, I want, just one time, to go to this office and not have to deal with bullshit from other patients. Is that too much to ask?!
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