Friday, September 30, 2011

Give and Take

It has been a long time since I have written anything, and a lot has happened.
A lot of life-changing events.
Things that I never thought I would deal with, live through, even be associated with.
It has been a humbling, yet empowering time and I have really come to appreciate my family and friends more than ever.
Kevin and I are working on a new chapter of our lives. It is a very stressful and scary time for us. There are a lot of unknowns. There are a lot of unanswered questions that I don't think I will ever have answers to, but I have learned to hand those questions over to a higher power and not obsess about them. Sometimes. I still have trouble letting go from time to time.
But "It's ok to let go" is my new mantra.

A positive outcome of all the terrible things I have been through in the past 3 months (wow, has it only been 3 months?!) is sobriety. Kevin is working on being and staying sober. Which is a huge deal. Sometimes I guess people have to hit their rock bottom before they make the changes necessary to be the person they are in their heart.
I see glimpses of the man I fell in love with 10 years ago more frequently now. The anger is slowly starting to slink away. Evaporate. Dissipate. Whatever you want to call it. It is leaving and I am happy about this.
We lost our son, our pup, Bully. He was a very hard person to lose. I still think of him daily, hourly, all the time. I hate that he was a casualty to Kevin's drinking. But I am glad that he was all that we lost. I think he knew he was a martyr as I held him in my arms and watched the light fade from his eyes, them pleading for me to make the pain stop. My hands, face, clothing was all covered in his blood. I heard the final sigh of his breath leaving him. His spirit sliding away. I carried his body back to the house and sat over it for a very long time. All alone. My husband not there to share my anguish with me. So many thoughts went through my head that night. Too many. All jumbled. But one thing that stuck out was Bully's eyes pleading me.
I don't have nightmares about his eyes anymore. I don't have nightmares about trying to save him night after night. But I did for a good month and a half afterwards. The same terrible nightmare over and over. Sometimes I was barefoot, other times it was just like when it happened. Always the same outcome. I let down my son.
I can't imagine losing a real child. I don't think I would survive that heartbreak.
It makes me have so much more respect for parents who have.
But like I said, Kevin and I are making steps towards a new life. A new direction. A new lifestyle.
A much needed change.
But at such a terrible cost.
I held two people that I loved very much and watched them slip away this year.
I lost 2 of my best friends this year.
I lost 2 people that loved me unconditionally this year.
But I did gain a second chance to get the man that I love back...
It is amazing what alcohol can take away from you.


  1. I'm so sorry Haley. I have lost a child and you never do really ever recover from it. You just learn to live with it. I also consider my 19 year cat my child too and her death will affect me in just the same way my daughter's death did when she does pass.

    I feel for you.... I know what you're going through.

    I'm happy he's getting help.

  2. You've been in my thoughts, lady. Especially now that the ginkos have just the slightest bit of yellow on the tips.

    Love to you.