Monday, February 9, 2009

Getting apprehensive

So my surgery is 17 days away. For those of you who don't know the whole story, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer a couple months ago, and being true to form in my family, I couldn't have the easily treatable and normal one caused by HPV, but one that just popped up for fun called adenocarcinoma insitu. It was removed back in November during my cold cone biopsy, but this particular cancer likes to be sporatic and pop up in other places in the reproductive tract and can hide along the uterine wall. So, to combat this nasty booger, I am having a hysterectomy. This is pretty shocking to most people, but the doctor is recommending it, a couple of my doctor friends are also recommending it because it can become more problematic if it comes back in the uterus. I am pretty much ok with it. I have never really had the desire to be a Mommy, I am prefectly content being an Aunt and spoiling the shit out of my neices and nephew and friend's babies. Im not the motherly type anyways.
I am, however, scared to death. This is considered a simple surgery because it is so common, but one of the problems of working in the health care field is knowing all the things that could potentially go wrong. DVT's, knicking the bladder, PE's, there is just a lot of worries swirling around in my head. I try to stay positive about it, but that fear is always there. To make matters worse, this weekend, when we were driving to a friends house in Lakewood, we were listening to Kevin's favorite (and my least favorite) radio show, Bubba the love sponge...yeah, I know. Well, his guest was a plastic surgeon and they were talking about all kinds of things and one of the jerks that interns there just had to mention when someone is put out but can feel everything that is going on but can't do anything about it. The doctor started to explain how this happens...that basically there are two steps to to paralyze the body and one to make sure the patient can't feel anything...and sometimes the anesthesiologis forgets step 2. I immediatly asked Kevin to turn it...I was freaking out inside...I don't care if it only happens maybe 2 times per year in the United could still happen and that freaks me out even more. It shocked me that Kevin had no sympathy towards me about this and was actually laughing at me because I became so upset. I didn't speak to him the whole rest of the trip up. I am just thankful that since I worked at the hospital for 5 years, I am able to request my surgical staff right down to the anesthesiologist...sorry Dr. may see parts of me you didn't want to before.
The whole insensitivity of Kevin just makes me worry how good of a care taker he is going to be after my surgery...I mean after my biopsy, he left me on the couch with my phone in the kitchen and went deer hunting. Nice guy, I know. After I gave him hell about that, I thought he had straightened up and realized what he needed to do, but now I am worried again.
I don't want to be the over-analyzing, whinny, frightened, damsel in distress...I have always been strong, stong-minded, strong-willed, strong-stomached, and tough. I can't believe how emotional I have become during this journey...all I know is if it isn't over soon, I'm going to turn to mush.

On a bright note, I started the "Twilight" series hoping it would keep my mind occupied, but if I keep reading at the pace I am at, I will have the whole series done in a week! I can't put the damned books down!

Thanks for listening to me whine!


  1. Haley, I am SO sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can't even begin to imagine your fears and insecurities. I think you are justified in your fears and that it is very normal to be scared. I am sure that everything is going to be fine (I know we don't know each other personally, but I still like to believe I can send you some positive vibes ;) And there's also nothing wrong with wanting someone to take care of you, especially after something this serious! I hope the hubby comes through for you in your time of need.

    And how much are you loving the Twilight series, right!?! I know...I'm addicted too :) I'm on the last book, and it's pretty intimidating (soooo long). I almost don't want to finish it because I don't want the series to end. Am I pathetic?? lol.

  2. Thanks for the positive vibes! I can use all I can get at this point...and yes, I am loving Twilight...I feel like I did when I became obsessed with Anne Rice books when I was 13! Haha! Im Lame.

  3. Oh Haley.

    First of all thank you for stopping by and commenting so I could find you. I was at my desk (read: my bed, I am working from home for an hour or so) reading some books for this class I'm taking for work and I got your comment forwrded to my phone and I clicked over to your blog, saw the first few sentences of your post and flew downstairs to comment.

    I have non-HPV cervical cancer too (hopefully I can say had, depending on this last biopsy that I'm too nervous to call the doc about). I had some cervix removed, but of course there is always that looming possibility of they hysterectomy.

    I have a blog about it (of course) you can find it at if you want to read all about my vagina. I try to keep it funny over there. There is nothing more hilarious than lady cancer, right? Ha ha.

    Anyway, I'll be following along, I've got you on my feed reader!

    Good luck with everything. Keep positive. And do something fun with the money you would be spending on birth control or tampons or whatever

  4. Haha! Vaginas can be funny! Lol! Considering that even the word is funny. I try to stay as positive as possible, but sometimes it does get hard. One positive note...I am celebrating my last period EVER as we speak. I didn't really think about the significance of it til this morning when I was all down in the pooper. Then I was like, "Hell yeah! I don't have to buy tampons anymore!" Woohoo! I will definitly keep you updated! Keep the faith...the cervix is overrated! Lol.

  5. it sure is!! also, you and jen had me very confused with your near-identical web addresses! I knew I saw steinbauer on a daily basis, I just didn't know where. Then I remembered!

  6. Haley,
    I'll be honest and admit that I don't even know what to I'll just say I'm sorry that you have to go through this. You seem to be holding up amazingly well. I think you are totally normal for feeling more anxious and fearful the closer your surgery gets. I've never had a planned surgery (did have unplanned c-section) so I can't imagine all the thoughts running through your head right now. I truly hope that you are well taken care of and pampered during your recovery. I'll be sending lots of positive vibes your way!