Klinebauer Korner

Give and Take

2011-09-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I have written anything, and a lot has happened.
A lot of life-changing events.
Things that I never thought I would deal with, live through, even be associated with.
It has been a humbling, yet empowering time and I have really come to appreciate my family and friends more than ever.
Kevin and I are working on a new chapter of our lives. It is a very stressful and scary time for us. There are a lot of unknowns. There are a lot of unanswered questions that I don't think I will ever have answers to, but I have learned to hand those questions over to a higher power and not obsess about them. Sometimes. I still have trouble letting go from time to time.
But "It's ok to let go" is my new mantra.

A positive outcome of all the terrible things I have been through in the past 3 months (wow, has it only been 3 months?!) is sobriety. Kevin is working on being and staying sober. Which is a huge deal. Sometimes I guess people have to hit their rock bottom before they make the changes necessary to be the person they are in their heart.
I see glimpses of the man I fell in love with 10 years ago more frequently now. The anger is slowly starting to slink away. Evaporate. Dissipate. Whatever you want to call it. It is leaving and I am happy about this.
We lost our son, our pup, Bully. He was a very hard person to lose. I still think of him daily, hourly, all the time. I hate that he was a casualty to Kevin's drinking. But I am glad that he was all that we lost. I think he knew he was a martyr as I held him in my arms and watched the light fade from his eyes, them pleading for me to make the pain stop. My hands, face, clothing was all covered in his blood. I heard the final sigh of his breath leaving him. His spirit sliding away. I carried his body back to the house and sat over it for a very long time. All alone. My husband not there to share my anguish with me. So many thoughts went through my head that night. Too many. All jumbled. But one thing that stuck out was Bully's eyes pleading me.
I don't have nightmares about his eyes anymore. I don't have nightmares about trying to save him night after night. But I did for a good month and a half afterwards. The same terrible nightmare over and over. Sometimes I was barefoot, other times it was just like when it happened. Always the same outcome. I let down my son.
I can't imagine losing a real child. I don't think I would survive that heartbreak.
It makes me have so much more respect for parents who have.
But like I said, Kevin and I are making steps towards a new life. A new direction. A new lifestyle.
A much needed change.
But at such a terrible cost.
I held two people that I loved very much and watched them slip away this year.
I lost 2 of my best friends this year.
I lost 2 people that loved me unconditionally this year.
But I did gain a second chance to get the man that I love back...
It is amazing what alcohol can take away from you.

The Big Let Down

2011-06-13T11:16:00.000-07:00

How are you supposed to act when someone completely and totally lets you down? When the one person who you have vowed to spend the rest of your life with treats you with such disrespect that your heart can't handle it?

This weekend was a throwback to my early 20's and it was awful.
I have already been through those tumultuous years between the ages of 18-25 when you party hard and have complete disregard for anyone other than yourself. I barely survived those years once. I can't do it again. This past weekend I was forced back into that mindset. I was disrespected by the person that I love the most in this world and my heart aches so much because of it. It is amazing what beer can make a person do. It is amazing how people still blame beer after all these years. It isn't the beer. It is the person drinking the beer. Period.
And if I continually, year after year, made stupid decisions that hurt the ones that you love because of a stupid drink, you should stop drinking. And maybe get some friends that are a little older. And maybe act like a 30 year old married man. But that is just me. And I am a woman, and sometimes women are just smarter than men when it comes to relationships. Or maybe I should say that women are more respectful than men when it comes to relationships. Or maybe we just think of the other person before Every. Stinkin. Decision. We. Make. Even toilet paper. I mean damn, I've been in your life for 10 years. How do you forget about me just because I am not in your direct line of sight? Am I THAT forgettable? I certainly hope not.
What I truly don't understand is how you can think that your actions don't affect me. How you think that i won't find out about things. How you can make a decision in a split second that gives you happiness for 3 seconds but creates hours, days, weeks, months of pain for me.

The big question is: How am I supposed to ever trust you again?

Playing catch up

2011-06-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

I've been MIA again.
It had been a very busy time here lately.
Crazy busy.
But I'm hoping things will slow down a little now.

We spent last weekend on our friends boat. Just tooling around on Lake Erie. It is nice. But for the past week I feel like I have no equilibrium. I'm blaming the boat even though I am sure it is from lack of sleep and dehydration. I get the same "spins" that you get when you have had too much to drink when I turn corners or go from sitting to standing or standing to sitting. It is more than slightly annoying and if it doesn't stop by the end of the weekend I will be forced to go to the doctor. Which I really don't want to do.

Kevin and I planted our garden. A ton of tomato plants. I am covered in mosquito bites from watering them late at night. Why late at night? Because that is when I get time to do it. We are planning on doing a lot of canning this summer. Tomato juice, stewed tomatos, salsa, maybe some spaghetti sauce if I can find a good recipe.

Momo's headstone was placed last week. It makes everything very final. I can't pretend that she is just away on vacation or in a hospital anymore because there is a start date and an end date. I got pretty emotional and Kevin didn't know what to say. Sometimes I cry at night in bed because I know he won't know that I am crying the. I miss her so much and sometimes I just get overwhelmingly sad that she is gone and I can't hug her anymore. I have done a lot better than I ever imagined I would with losing her, but sometimes I just need to cry. I don't know if that urge will ever go entirely away. My birthday was a rough one, not because of my age, but because it was the first one without her. She wasn't there to make my cake. She wasn't there to sing harmony during "Happy Birthday" and her infamous "and many moooore" line. I'm finding it is truly the little things that you miss the most. Those little things that where exclusively Momo.

I have a base tan. That is amazing because I haven't had one of those in years. At least 3. I would burn, peel, and be white again. I managed to find the right amount of shade to let me get just a little color.

We just found out that my brother is having a baby boy. I am pretty excited. I can't wait to meet the little man.

I want to go to Germany. Bad.

Twinkle Toes

2011-04-28T07:11:00.000-07:00

I could watch Gene Kelly dance all day.
He instantly makes me smile.

I started watching Brigadoon last night. I saw the play for the first time while in College, but nothing beats the productions done back in the days of Gene Kelly, Audrey Hepburn, Ginger Rogers, Fred Astaire and the likes of those amazing actors and actresses.
My love of Gene Kelly began when I saw Funny Face. The dance scene while Audrey is on the balcony blew me away. Even my husband was impressed. And for a dancer to impress my husband is something.
There is a certain style that Mr. Kelly brings to his choreography. A slight goofy-ness that makes you smile without realizing it. But the lightness of his feet is amazing. Floating. Even while tapping away at a million miles an hour he looks like he is floating on air; and truly having a great time doing it. There is just a certain something about him.
It is not uncommon for me to watch him dance and be slightly teary eyed with a giant silly grin on my face. It is just what he does to me...

He choreographed all the dances in Brigadoon and I especially love whole elagant he made all the womens dances...long, beautiful lines.
Check out this little clip from "Heather on the Hills"
Or check out "Go Home With Bonnie Jean" for his sillier side.

I could watch it all day.

Young at heart

2011-04-21T09:38:00.001-07:00

Today is my husband's birthday. He turned 30. And is having a melt down.
He thinks he is old.
By this statement you can tell he has never worked in the medical field...

He is struggling with this number for some reason. Not sure why. I told him you are only as old as you feel.
I'm 19.
and a half.

We laid in bed last night talking and laughing about our recent choice in movies:
cheesy 80's action films including:
Delta Force
Red Dawn
Navy Seals

We take turns drawing on each other's backs. It is something my Papa used to do when I was small enough to curl up on his lap with a giant pillow. It is super relaxing.
I couldn't think of anything to draw last night so I started a game of hangman.
Hilarious. I don't believe that Kevin ever played it before. Instead of guessing letters he would just yell out words. Needless to say he didn't do very well until I gave him a 8 letter word. The clue: A band.
2 guesses and he got it. Megadeth

He only did 2 on my back. A 5 letter word with clue of game=BINGO
The second one was hilarious.
For some reason he thought I would know this.
Two words, clue fishing, first word 7 second word 6
I guessed letter after letter and couldn't come up with anything.
I reminded him that the only words assosicated with fishing that I knew were lure, sinker, bobber, fishing pole, net...limited.
He swore that I knew it.
So what was the mystery word: Whisker Buscuit...

Except that he spelled it Whisker Buskit
You have to love him.

It was nice though being silly like kids again. Like when we go to one of our favorite restaurants that has playing cards on all the tables and play rummy until our food comes and then again after.
We need to be kids more often. Let loose. Be goofy. Laugh. Smile.
It's these small things that keep us young.

Happy birthday to my Tom Selleck-chest haired, green eyed baby.
Just no Tom Selleck mustache please.

Blind Stitch

2011-03-24T04:46:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time I picked up a needle and thread. I was at my Great Grandma's in Alabama on vacation with Momo and Papa. I watched my Great Grandma and Momo work on quilting pieces all week and I wanted to try.

My great grandma found me some old square scraps of fabric and showed me how to piece them together. I remember being told to face the pretty parts inside and sew along one side, then you could flip it open and you had a pretty line connecting the two pieces together.
I wasn't able to thread my own needles at the time.
I could only do one standard stitch at a time and the length of the stitches were uneven and nothing close to straight.
I would look at the stitches my Great Grandma did to show me how it was done. They were tiny and completely straight. I couldn't fathom how she did it. I spent the majority of the car ride back to Ohio stiching together blocks of teal, magenta, green, and black in the backseat trying to emulate my Great Grandma's stitches, more than once stitching a block on with the wrong side out. My Momo showed me how to make a 4 piece square because I was stitching the blocks in a singular long line. I was amazed at what I was creating. I was maybe 8 years old.

Momo continued to provide me with fabric, but moved me from sewing blocks together to the art of quilting. She would give me pillow tops to quilt. She showed me how to pin the fabric together to make sure puckers didn't form and how to place a quilting ring. I gave up trying to use the quilting ring though because I needed to feel where my needle was going and I manipulated the fabric more than the needle back in those days. Simple, single stitches, but I loved how the design would raise up from the fabric and I especially loved how the stitches looked on the back on the plain fabric. I was hooked. I quilted everything I could get my hands on and luckily Momo had a cabinet full of fabric that I could use at my disposal.

Quilting is a family tradition. I learned on my last visit to Alabama that my Great Grandma used to quilt for extra money for the family. She showed me where, in the dining room, Great Grandpa had put up a board where she could hang the quilt from and she would stitch that way. She laughed when she told me that she got paid $15 for what would equal a Queen size quilt. She said that was a lot of money back in those days but I don't think she realizes just how much work she put into those quilts. The HOURS.

I remember growing up and watching Momo quilt in her basement with her friends. She had a quilt rack that took up a large portion of the basement, but it held the quilt so that it could be worked on in the best manner. She and her friends would spend hours around the quilt, each person taking an area, and they would gossip and laugh and tell stories as their quick little fingers created a piece of art work. I would be sitting in the corner playing with my dolls, occasionally getting up to see the progress, but being comforted by the talk and laughter of the women quilting.

I was lucky enough to get two handmade quilts made by my Momo. One for my high school graduation, an Americana themed beauty, and one for my marriage, a traditional double wedding ring. I love the fact that not only did Momo work on this, but also her friends that I grew up with, Jeannie Bell, Nonnie, Laura, and Mary had a hand in creating these treasures. I used to be able to identify their stitches. Momo's are very uniform, just like Great Grandmas. The only thing that gives away that it wasn't done by a machine is the slight variance of the line. Jeannie Bell's are sometimes a little long...usually this happened when she was on a roll talking and Momo and I used to laugh about this. I love having something that her hands made.

The love that goes into the making of a quilt is usually overlooked. It is quickly becoming a lost art form due to the convenience of quiet, quick sewing machines...not many people are willing to put in the amount of hours required to finish a hand made quilt. Momo logged her hours on the king size double wedding ring quilt she made me....over 400 hours. That is like working 40 hour work days for 10 weeks. That is a lot of time. I will treasure that quilt forever. It makes the 40 hours I put into a baby quilt look like nothing...or the tie quilts I have been making that I can knock out in 20 hours...one good weekend.

I look down at my own hands and see the signs of my recent quilting...the small nub of hardened, punctured skin on my right middle finger, a similar mark on my thumb. I rub it constantly throughout the day. Everytime I do I think of the tradition that has been passed down to me and how proud I am to be carrying it on. I hope I get to pass it on to someone.

I went over to Momo's last night and mom and I went into the basement to look at the totes of yarn that Momo has that we are going to donate to a local women's group that makes afghans for hospital patients to make them feel more at home. She and I discussed Momo's quilts and what would happen to them when she and Papa were gone. Momo recently finished a quilt that is intended for Joe when he gets married. It is complete except for the bindings...I told her I would finish that for her. Mom and I picked out another double wedding ring quilt to put away for Jake when he gets married. It is important that everyone in the immediate family gets a quilt made by Momo's hands. So very important that they can feel her after she is gone. To be able to wrap yourself in a quilt and feel close to her again. Amazing treasures that don't mean much to most people, but mean the world to me.

2011-03-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

Is a fajita still considered a fajita of you eat the filling on crackers?

I made some pretty killer steak fajitas on monday night using a recipe from a crockpot cookbook. Working in Lorain equates to me working 12 hour days thanks to drive time. Getting home at 6pm and trying to cook a good dinner that doesn't include a box of mac and cheese gets to be difficult so I am turning to my crockpot cookbook for support. The recipe was easy and is pretty good...missing a little something something, but I will do some adding of spices the next time around to cure that.

So I am on day 3 of leftover fajitas and ran out of tortilla shells...so Iam reduced to eating it on crackers. It's surprisingly delicious! But then again, club crackers are the most delicious crackers and have a similar quality to bacon, in that they make everything better.

Im going to be creating bbq pulled pork next...one of my all time favorite things to eat. We will see if I can beat Papa Jimmie's....highly, highly doubtful...check out their reviews...greatest bbq I have ever had...and it is 7 miles from my house...bonus! Proof that the small town mom and pop shops will forever beat out national chains. All I can say is Pulled. Pork. Fries.

Chicken Flavored Toothpaste?!

2011-03-09T10:17:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write something a little more upbeat than my past entry...so...
The husband and I attempted to brush our dog's teeth the other night. We figured we should do so as good parents. We bought a little kit from the local pet supply company that had chicken flavored toothpaste...who doesn't like chicken?!
Well, remember how when you were little and they asked you what "flavor" toothpaste you wanted at the dentist? Bubble gum, tutti fruitty, mint chocolate chip...and how those "flavors" always seemed the same awkward, gritty taste? I think the same holds true in the doggy toothpaste world. The instructions told us to put a little on our finger and let the dog "accept it." Bully was not accepting it. He turned his nose up at it...and for good reason. It smells horrible. So. I manned his back end, Kevin braved the mouth and we brushed poor Bully's teeth.
He did not enjoy it at all.
I knew that Bully had a gigantic mouth from the beginning...him being a pit and all, but boy do they have a lot of lip! Try pulling back the lips on a pit sometime. It's impossible....they just keep stretching and pulling and continue to cover the teeth you are trying to get to. If they want their mouth closed, it's going to be closed.
After brushing the teeth we could get to, we let Bully run off to get some water. What does he do instead. Stands there wagging his tail like nothing happened.
Ah, to have the memory of a dog...
But let it be known that chicken flavored toothpaste is not so tasty..
We will stick with milkbones from now on.

Daddy's Day

2011-02-23T04:58:00.000-08:00

I am looking forward to this Saturday.
So much.
I have planned a dinner party for my Dad's birthday. It was last Tuesday, but everyone had plans last week. So.
Saturday a group of 10 will head to a local restaurant in Wooster, Ohio to celebrate my Father, freindship, and family.
The people attending the dinner party are people that hugely influenced my life. My Dad has great friends. Very intelligent people that also know how to have a good time. I haven't stayed in contact with them as much as I would have liked, but I am changing that. I reconnected with 4 of them over Thanksgiving and it made me realize how much I missed them.
These are people that I grew up with. Went of vacation with. They were like extra sets of parents. A tribe raising a child.
I don't think any of them realize how much they molded me, helped shape me into who I am today.

I think my Dad is pretty excited as well. We talked last night and he was interested to know who all was coming and I think he was pretty impressed that I was able to get all his close friends together for him.
Now, I just have to get an ice cream cake and we will be all set.
Reservations are made. Plans are set.
Should I get party hats?!

6 Months

2011-02-22T09:13:00.000-08:00

6 Months is not a lot of time.
Half a year.
Roughly 180 days.
A blink of an eye.

That is how long we have with my Momo.
Last Thursday, the bomb was dropped on my lap. I had to tell my mother and then Momo herself.
Her liver is speckled, no, not speckled, riddled, with cancer. Too much to do surgery on. And chemo may not be an option. Even if it is an option, what would her quality of life be for the extra few months it may give her?
I was lucky enough to get off work an hour early last Thursday and the doctor was heading to her room as I walked onto the floor she was on. One of my good friends was her nurse that day and hurried me to the room. The doctor pulled me into a separate room, away from her, and gave me the news. I took it well and I am still handling it better than I ever thought I would. I think my medical background is helping with that...knowing too much sometimes allows you to have mindset of knowing when treatment isn't the best option. The doctor was very kind. A new partner with 2 of my favorite docs in the world. I almost took a job with them in fact. He was honest and pulled up her CT scans and showed them to me. Then gave me the prognosis. I am sure it is one of the worst parts of his job. He was very candid with me and more than sincere. He told me that it would be my job, as both the granddaughter and as the family member with medical background, to be the voice of reason...sanity...compassion.
I called mom and told her to stop by the hospital before getting Papa to bring to see Momo.
She instantly knew.
When she got there I took her to a private room and told her. She instantly broke down. It was one of those moments where I had to act as the adult and she got to be the child. I was honest with her and told her the reality of the situation. It was not a time for sugar coating. We decided to not tell Papa...with his worsening dementia he would only dwell on it over and over and he doesn't need that. He worries enough. Mom left to get Papa and I went back in to see Momo and have the talk with her.
I told her as simply as I could and with as much tact as you can. She took it well. She was very quiet for the first 20 min, but then began to ask questions. I told her that she had to make the mental decision to either fight it to the end or just roll over and die and I told her that I hoped it would be the first. That she was a strong woman and that many wouldn't have made it through the 10 hours surgery that she endured. She agreed. Then she showed just how much she cared when she said, "I can't leave Papa alone."
I told her that when the time came, Papa would never be alone. That we wouldn't let that happen and that it was the least of her worries. That she needs to take the mental standpoint of a fighter and put her stubborness to good use. She laughed at that.

Her personality since the news hit has been like her old self and I am so thankful for that.
My Momo is back.
My Momo from Friday night sleep overs and talking for hours. The gentle care is back in her voice. The bitterness that had set in over the years seems to have melted away.
I am going to take these 6 Months and make the most of them.
Because in reality...it is so little.

A Valentine's Day Dinner

2011-02-14T09:22:00.001-08:00

This past weekend I had the pleasure of taking my Momo and Papa to the Whirlpool Maintenance Departments Charity Fundraiser and Retirement Get-together/Valentine's Day Dinner.
Papa has pretty significant dementia and Momo is still recovering from her colon/liver cancer surgery and still doesn't walk all too well (she took a tumble off her bed Saturday afternoon because she made Joe move it to the other side of the bed...the side of the bed that she doesn't use...nice.) so it was pertinent that someone went with them.
You could tell Papa was excited about going, since he was begging to leave at 4 even though the doors didn't open til 5 and it is only a 20 min drive.
He talked to me the whole way there and he is a man of few words. He told me how back in the day, when he first started at Whirlpool in 1952 and got into the maintenance department, in 1954, he noticed that all the scrap copper was being thrown away. He and another co-worker approached the president of the Clyde division and asked if they could begin collecting it and turn it in for money to then use to fund a dinner event. He said yes and to this day that is what they do. He seemed very proud of that, as he should be.
The copper scrap leaves so much extra money though , that the maintenance department is able to donate to charities as well. Before dinner they read off all the names of the newly retired and what charities were donated to that year. And the charity list was quite long. Plus they donate only to local charities. Impressive.
It was fantastic watching Papa interact with his coworkers and chat about things other than the weather and how Momo is doing. You could tell he was a very well respected man in his days at Whirlpool by the number of men that still came up to shake his hand.
Papa was a self-made man. He started on the floor at Whirlpool and worked his way up to upper management, retired early, then started his own landscaping business. Add this to the fact that he left his Mother and Father's home at the age of 8 due to their alcoholism and still managed to graduate high school and be a 3 sport athlete. He is very intelligent and slow to judge. He is probably the greatest man I will ever know.
I felt very proud sitting beside him at dinner, especially when he would make it a point to introduce me to his former coworkers.
And Lora, you would have had a blast with your stealthy camera at all the "fashions" that Clyde has to offer.
Oh, and Papa remembered every moment of the evening on Sunday night!

Amy Seiffert, Awareness in a Little Gray Dress

2011-02-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

Check out Amy's blog.
She is wearing the same dress. Everyday. For six months straight.
The cause?
The Daughter Project.

Very interesting way to raise awareness. I caught my attention for sure.
Toledo, a town that is about 35 minutes from where I live, is one of the main hubs for human trafficking...sex trafficking to be exact.
It is sick and crazy how this is happening right under our noses in the heart of the USA.
But it exists and needs to be brought to more people's attention.

Priceless

2011-02-07T09:43:00.000-08:00

"You don't really want to get rid of that do you?!"
The opening line to becoming a pack rat...aka, my husband.

Kevin and I seriously argued over me taking a $2.88 "oak" wood picture frame to goodwill that I purchased in 1996 from Walmart...seriously. His reasoning for wanting to keep it? You may use it some day. So, until that day we are supposed to stow it away in one of the 2 small closets that we have in our house...makes complete sense, right?! Not in my head.
But, Kevin grew up in a home with pack rats. I'm talking first class hoarders. His parents had this HUGE room, probably 45' by 15' that was supposed to be the master bedroom, (complete with fireplace!) stacked full of junk. JUNK. Empty boxes, broken flower pots, newspapers and magazines, coffee cans, clothes that would never be worn again, broken vacuum cleaners, just plain junk. In a room that could have been amazingly beautiful!
I refuse to live that way.
So Kevin and I fought for 3 hours about it. Until I put my foot down, said to get over it, and walked away. Then I handed him the speakers that have been in storage since we started dating (10 years ago!) and told him to do something with them because they were wasting valuable space.
He didn't speak to me for 2 more hours. Then he went and actually looked in the closets and saw how much more organized and junk free they were and apologized.
5 wasted hours over a picture frame that cost me $2.88...

BINGO!

2011-01-31T10:05:00.000-08:00

I went last Wednesday night and hung out with my Momo who is still at the rehab facility at a local nursing home.
We played bingo.
Never in my life have I seen people get so worked up over picking cards and discussing if 4 corners was a true bingo. (We later decided that it was fair game because it seemed to be the hardest to get.)
But it was oh so much fun at the same time and I met a lot of wonderful people that were very happy to see such a young and smiling face.
I met a gentleman that played football with my Papa who told me all kinds of funny little stories about him. I met a man that I frequently see at my second job. I told him that his face looked familiar and he instantly said, "I go to Fontana's once a week for the spaghetti and because you have cute waitresses." His name is Paul and he is a sweetheart.
Momo was bragging about me being her granddaughter which made me feel good.
I am glad that Momo is getting out and about more at the facility as well. She has made friends with quite a few people and is becoming more social. I am sure this is helping her recover quicker as well. Walking to the dining hall has to be better for you than sitting in your room eating alone.
It still made me laugh though when the same woman would yell, "Did she say I26?" Apparently that was what she needed every game.
She never got it.

Awakenings

2011-01-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

I had a very productive weekend.
Surprisingly.

Friday was a nice relaxing evening at our favorite BBQ joint...beef brisquet salad and beer. You can't ask for anything better. We went to be early and were able to get up early as well.
I cleaned all day again on Saturday. All day.
I got the soon to be "office" completely cleaned out...closet and all. It is now an empty room ready for us to do with it what we will. That will come later, but having a completely empty room feels kinda nice.
I then began washing ALL the bedding in our home. I mean even the stuff that is in storage and only comes out when we have parties.
I cooked a delicious dinner of stuffed peppers that my friend, Tiffany, came over to enjoy with me. Tiffany and I were once very close, but we drifted apart after she continued to stay with her cheating, nasty husband. She came over Saturday to tell me that she was finally leaving him. I'm very proud of her. And while I never wish a couple to divorce, I worry about her safety constantly because I know her husband doesn't use protection when he cheats. She realized that she didn't want her daughter growing up thinking it was ok for a man to treat his wife that way. She is very sad and embarrassed that her marriage didn't work out, but she tried, by herself, for 2 1/2 years to make things better. She realized that he wouldn't change because he didn't want to. And I think she realized that she deserves better. I know it was hard for her to talk to me about it and I did my best to listen and just be supportive and not make negative comments about him. But I did express my worry over her getting a potentially deadly STD because of him. She agreed that it was a possibility and I think the thought of it scared her.
Kevin came home from helping a buddy on Saturday evening after Tiff left. The first thing he did was hug me and then he told me how he realized how lucky he was to have me today and that he doesn't tell me enough how much he loves me and appreciates me. I instantly asked what he did wrong. He said that he and his friend had a long heart to heart and it made him realize a lot of things about his life. How he wastes a lot of time by doing for everyone else, but neglects him and I, how he drinks too much and how he thinks he is trying to fill a void by drinking and that it needs to stop, that he has gotten lazy and comfortable with our house, that he isn't doing any work to it because he is comfortable, but that he realizes that if this continues our home with deteriorate around us. I told him that this last one especially was frustrating to me because I have so many ideas for our home and that I feel like we live in a shell of a house, a house in shambles. That it is not a house that I am proud of because it looks like no one takes care of it. How I feel like he is very good at starting projects and then just letting them fall to the wayside unless it is something that is solely for him....like the basement "man-cave" area. He agreed that he was horrible about this and promised to do better. He grew up in a home that was not nice, but because it was warm, his parents did nothing to make it look nicer. The home is falling apart now. Kevin is in danger of repeating this pattern because it is what he grew up with. I grew up with a family that took a house that required a lot of work, but we did the work and now it is an absolutely gorgeous home. It embarrasses me to have my family over to my home because it is constantly in the same state with no progress ever being made.
I hope that Kevin holds true to his awakening and begins to make progress in our home.
He asked me to quit my second job so that we can spend more time working on our things together...that maybe if I am there to push him, it will get done.
We will see.
Sunday, I went to dinner with 3 of my girlfriends. It was wonderful catching up with them all. It had been over a year since we were all together last. It was fantastic.
I then went home and made Bully a new dog bed, his being dilapidated from use. He instantly loved it...so did Kevin who curled up with him and took a nap.
I then cleaned out our closet in our bedroom getting rid of a ton of stuff. Most of it is going to my friend that can use the clothes. The rest is going to Goodwill.
It feels so much better to have less "stuff" sitting around.
The process will continue tonight with our dressers!

Boom, Bang, Crash

2011-01-21T11:31:00.001-08:00

Oh the joys of winter...
and ice storms.
My poor little red ranger is no more. Wednesday evening, heading home from work, I crashed my baby. It was quite a ride. I was only going 30, but let me tell you, I wouldn't have wanted to wreck going any faster than that.
I am ok. But my truck is not. When the sliding and turning was all said and done and the eerie quiet after a crash had taken hold, I was on my side...on the driver's side. My seatbelt did a fantastic job of holding me in place. I quickly looked for an escape route. The back window being too small, I turned the key to accessory and lowered the passenger side window and began my climb out. I'm no longer afraid of the walls I am going to have to climb over at the warrior dash, because I did a pretty kickass job of getting my butt out of the truck while it was on it's side.
My phone, which I searched frantically for inside the truck was resting in the snow outside the truck. I called 911 and began my wait.
40 minutes later a local city cop stopped by so I could warm myself in his car. 10 minutes later the statey finally made it. Of course, he was on the other side of the county. Lucky me.
Everyone was wonderful and so nice. I couldn't have asked for better help from better men.
Kevin was pretty disappointed and finally, last night, a day after the accident he gave me the comforting hug that I needed that night but never got.
I won't lie, I was pretty shook up and a wee bit nervous about driving this morning...but I managed.
My body feels like I played contact football with no pads, but I'm really lucky that I wasn't seriously injured.
My truck though, may not be so lucky.
I will find out soon...

2011-01-17T09:36:00.000-08:00

I spent the majority of the weekend cleaning.
I walked in my home after work on Friday and was just plain sick of the clutter.
Now keep in mind I'm not fanatic about keeping my home SPOTLESS like my mother and father. As long as it is clean more days than not, I am happy. I work 2 jobs and recently started working out again. I just don't have the time to keep it as clean as I would like.
But, living with Kevin, cleaning can be challenging. He treats our kitchen table like his tool box. It is routinely covered in tools from the machine shop. The ones that fit in his back pockets. And tape measures. I find tape measures everywhere...but none when I need one.
Anyways. I walked in the door friday after work and began work on the kitchen. I pulled everything off the counters and scrubbed. I washed the walls, went through cabinets and got rid of some stuff I never used or just just didn't need. I moved all of Kevin's tools off the table to the basement, I swept and then mopped the floors. When I mop I boil my water. Call me crazy, but it cleans much better and I feel like it disinfects...even though I use a disinfectant on the floor as well. I cleaned for about 4 hours straight. Just in the kitchen, hallway, and bathroom.
Saturday I woke up and began on the closets. We have a spare bedroom with 2 HUGE closets that is pretty much our only storage in the house. I began going through all the totes and storage containers and got rid of a lot of stuff. So far, I have 8 bags of garbage. Just garbage. Amazing that I had it all stuffed here and there in those closets. Junk. I pulled out a bunch of stuff that we are either going to sell on Ebay. (My motorcycle ferrings for sure) we may just donate it to goodwill. I'm not about to have a garage sale. They are too much hassle and I live in the middle of no where. I have about 15 collector Barbi's that I have no clue what to do with. Either sell them or ship them out to my nieces. Either way, I want them gone. They are taking up valuable space.
Kevin has 3 LARGE totes to go through. I'm not touching them because I wouldn't want him to go through my stuff and decide what is important enough to keep and what is not.
My job this week is to go through all my Christmas totes...all 5 of them, and get rid of the items I do not use. I hardly decorate for Christmas anymore, so I don't know why I hold on to the stuff. I have one antique decoration from my Momo that pull out, but everything else just stays in the totes. I haven't even put up a tree in 3 years.
So, I'm hoping to change my 5 Christmas totes into 2 Christmas totes.
I'm also hoping to find a book shelf to put all my books on soon.
Kevin is paying for the much needed I beam for our basement this week at work. Hopefully we can get it into our house soon so we can actually start refinishing walls and laying floors. My beautiful slate tiles for our mudroom are still chilling out in the basement. I am dying to see them installed.
It felt good to declutter myself a little. I need to do it more often.

Zumba

2011-01-11T08:55:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning, my friends Beth, Amanda, and I braved a Zumba class. I loved it so much I went back again last night. I have never laughed and had such a good time while working out.
I was skeptical to say the least when Beth called and invited me to come along. It was all of our first times so we were confident in that we had each other.
Some of the foot work was a little tricky, but my cheerleading background definitely paid off. However, I still laughed at myself about 90% of the time and attribute my sore abs more to my constant laughing than from any moves that we did.
Zumba is a combination of salsa, belly, and hip hop dancing. Needless to say, my hips haven't moved this much in a long time. But, it is a great time and I burn calories without knowing it. Win-win if you ask me.
I have scheduled my second job to allow me to go to all the Zumba classes each week. You could say I am addicted.
Better yet, at last nights class I ran into an old co-worker from East of Chicago from my high school days. She was the mom of one of my class mates and one of my favorite people. She has lost almost 50lbs with Zumba. Now THAT is motivation!
Hopefully I can shake, shimmy, twist, and wiggle my butt down 50lbs too!

Finale

2011-01-05T09:36:00.000-08:00

Kevin and I finished the book we were reading together last night. I made it to the second to last chapter before I had to hand the book off to him to read aloud. My sobs were coming on too strong for me to finish it.
Kevin reluctantly took the book and began reading in his slow methodical way. He thinks he is a poor reader, but he is not. He just worries too much about what is being thought of him.
So. Kevin took over reading right at the part where our hero dog, Enzo, is coming to the end of his life. We knew it was coming, yet we still weren't prepared. Kevin was doing great at the parts I was stumbling over. The parts where Enzo was talking about how his body was failing him. He got to the section where Enzo's master was holding him, and said "I love you," and his voice cracked. I was laying on the couch across the room from Kevin, holding the dog, sobbing. I look over and Kevin has giant tears running down his face. He has to force his voice out to continue reading and has to take frequent breaks to try to calm himself. He is what I was the other night while trying to read.
I take back over when he can go on no more and finish the book.
I put it down. Content but wanting more, like I am with all good books, and look at my husband. Our blood shot eyes meet and we both begin laughing hysterically.
I ask him if he liked it. He says yes, but wishes it weren't so sad. I thought it was a hopeful story. He then looks at me and says "you are making me feel things and I don't like it." I smile broadly and climb onto his couch with him. I explain that is one of the reasons I so wanted to share this book. So we could share emotions together. Not be afraid to open ourselves up. He still thinks I am crazy for developing the characters so fully in my mind, but I know that Enzo was alive in his head.
We agreed to read together again, but he asked me to pick a happier story.
I ordered 6 books today from my childhood that he has never read so that we can read them together.
I am excited to share these with him. They are the books that made me love reading. I hope that they will have the same impact on him.

What Dreams are Made of

2011-01-05T04:19:00.000-08:00

I dreamt of you last night.
You, the man that was in my life for so long. A friend. A friend that I am no longer allowed to talk to because our significant others don't understand how our years of friendship override a few on again-off again moments somewhere in the middle. I used to dream of you a lot. Over the years though, they have dwindled down to once or twice a year. But they are always vivid. And I can always feel you.
Anyways. I dreamt of you.
I was back at the 'Berg. I was in the training room. The training room looked as it always has, but when you walked outside of the training room, there was marble everywhere. White marble with thin, stretching lines of the lightest gray. Far from the Seiberling that we spent so many years in.
I was in the training room and it had felt like it had been years since I had been there, probably because it had been. I was working with the head of the program, a man I had never seen before, but he seemed to be a combination of the male professors we had had over our 4 year career there. He handed me a yellow legal pad filled with complicated equations and told me to start completing them. I had never seen anything like them. I looked at him and told him that I never came across anything like this in my pharmacology class. He smiled and sat down next to me at the treatment table-what we always used for desks while in the training room, and began to show me how certain things canceled out so that you could balance the equation and know how much of one substance you were supposed to use in relation to the other substances. It looked like some kind of cortisone equation. It was the only thing I could think of anyways.
I hear something behind me, so I turn around and there is a whole class waiting to start. There was Paul, Brock, Greg, Seka, and Tess. All sitting on stools in a close little group. And right behind me was you. I smile with surprise and touch your knee and say, "I have a lot of catching up to do. I don't know anything anymore." You don't meet my eye and you give a short, mean grunt. I'm hurt and embarrassed so I quickly turn around. You aren't you. You aren't the large, muscular man I love. Your light green eyes aren't shining. The smile that I love so much is not there, no crinkling around those eyes. No cocky laugh like you always had in the training room during football season. That laugh is what made me fall in love with you. You are the shell of yourself you became when you attempted to wrestle at 181 pounds our senior year. Your muscular 225 pounds wittled away into a gaunt replica of yourself. You were a bear to deal with during that time. But I would be too had I only had rice to eat and too many pounds to shed between football season and wrestling season.
I turn my attention back to the treatment table, but you are laying on the one in front of me. Greg is laying on the one next to you. It was definitely football season, but you were at your sick wrestling weight. Greg looked like his usual husky self. Our two trainers that were also football players. All of a sudden needles came out of the wall over the table. It was like something out of x-men. They guided themselves into both of your hands and started pumping something into you. While I stared in fear and disgust, everyone else stared in excitement and anticipation. I didn't know what was going on, but I didn't like it. I kept asking where the 'Berg got the money for this technology, but everyone either didn't hear me or chose to ignore me. When I turned back around you had transformed into some type of monster. You were twice your normal height and your body was rippling with muscles, but the veins were popping out and your skin looked a sickly green and appeared to be slimy. You looked like some type of a ratfink monster drawing. I was instantly scared, but everyone around me was congratulating themselves. Greg looked similar to you, only larger. And he looked excited about his transformation. Flexing his muscles and such.
You looked down at me, you eyes bulging from their sockets. Those eyes I love so much. And I saw YOU. You looked scared but I saw the love in them. Your giant, overgrown hand reached for mine. I took it. My hand could only attempt to grasp two of your fingers. Everyone stopped and stared and then started laughing. Brock exclaimed, "Maybe you two will last longer than 6 month this time with this." I didn't get it. Then someone explained that the drug, whatever it was, caused the user to express his emotions clearly and fully.
I knew what they meant then. Our biggest problem as us being a couple was that we couldn't fully express our emotions to each other for fear of rejection from a person we cared about so much. It was our demise. Our downfall. We were too scared to lose the friendship we had established. Oh, if we only knew then what we know now.
I knew then that you needed me to protect you. You didn't like what they were doing to you. But I had no control over what was happening. Before I could do anything, you were taken away-apparently to the locker room, only it wasn't where it has always been.
The remainder of the dream I spent searching for you. Running down marble hallway after marble hallway, everything looking the same, yet so foreign. I was frustrated and scared and helpless. I knew I would never find you again. I found a bathroom, locked myself into a stall, and cried and cried and cried.
I woke up when I had convinced myself to go back out and continue my search, just as I opened the bathroom door.
Gone again.

Cause and Effect

2011-01-04T09:41:00.000-08:00

Kevin and I have been continuing our reading project together. We only have a few more chapters left of "The Art of Racing in the Rain" by Garth Stein. On Sunday night I read for over 2 hours. We got through about 12 chapters in that time (they are short.) But it was a hard 12 chapters. Mainly, because I was sobbing through a large majority of them.
I can keep my emotions in check when reading to myself and will usually only shed a tear or two, if any at all. However, reading aloud did not allow me to push through the sad parts, tears in my eyes, to get to a happier section. No. At one point I had to put the book down, collect myself and try again. Sobbing. Voice caught in my throat, tears spilling, hard to breath sobbing.
Kevin thought I was crazy.
Here is where we see how we react differently to books. I develop relationships with the characters and they become alive to me. For Kevin, they are just a character. These people are real in my head and I feel the emotions they are going through. Kevin sits stone faced listening, but not feeling. If I read about the "hero" of my book losing his wife and "grabbing at the last of her" by feeling the dirt that buried her, it's going to be hard for me to not get emotionally upset. I'm tearing up now just writing about it. Kevin doesn't understand how I become so connected with the characters. This led to a great conversation about how the development of a character blooms in my head. How I picture the character and they become real to me. How, even after seeing movies, I still have my own clear picture of a character in my head, and they remain that way. How MY Lestat doesn't look anything like Tom Cruise. How MY Elizabeth doesn't look anything like Keira Knightly, though close. Kevin still didn't get it. I tried to explain how books allow you INSIDE the characters minds and with that gift you are given a passage to someone else's life for the time when you are reading the book. That I become so involved with the character that I feel their pain, their joy, everything. It is why I laugh aloud at times while reading. It's why I will be reading with a big grin on my face, or a frown, or a look of bewilderment...because I am feeling what the character is feeling.
Kevin still didn't get it.
I guess some people just never will.
I do know what is coming in the next few chapters though, and have a feeling it may cause Kevin to actually shed a few tears.
Why? Because it isn't about a human, it is about a dog.
Kevin and the love of his life...

Lessons from my brother

2010-12-29T10:26:00.000-08:00

My brother, Joe, is home from the Army for a little while. It has been wonderful having him home again. I am probably closest to him out of all of my brothers-probably because we have that perfect age difference-7 years.
Joe made a surprise visit to my second job last night (it's ok, the boss is one of my best friends and Joe's former roommate) and he kept me company and taught me some cool stuff.
Joe is in Special Forces, aka, he is a badass. What comes with him being a badass is me getting to learn some badass tricks too. Self defense if you will. Last night he taught me some pressure points. Simple little tricks to use if I were to get attacked. Things that would level the playing field if a 6' guy came after me. I'm pretty scrappy on my own, having three brothers, but I like knowing these little tactics. It always amazes me how one-two fingers and be so painful. The overall point of these tricks in SF is to allow the soldier to gain the less than a second he needs to access his pistol. What it would do is allow me the extra seconds to make a get away or to put me in a position of better defense.
After showing me some tricks, Joe pulled out the 9mm he was carrying and showed me some proper shooting techniques. I have always been around hunting guns. There is a HUGE difference between hunting weapons and tactical weapons and I learned this last night. This insight also showed me why I was such a poor shot with my friends 9mm this past summer.
He showed me the proper way to hold a gun. Amazing how THAT alone can change everything. He then told me the most important words..."be surprised every time a bullet leaves the chamber." I didn't get it at first. He said it again. I mulled it over in my head. Then it clicked. If you don't anticipate the bullet being fired, you won't flinch. If you flinch, you will cause the gun to pull in a direction away from the target without even realizing it. I pull to the right and up. It explains why I have always been such a terrible shot with hand guns.
Joe is going to show me more tonight and let me shoot his weapon for real instead of just handling the gun unloaded. I think I am going to convince him to take me to a shooting range every time he is home so that I can get more comfortable with hand guns.
Kevin has been wanting to get me a hand gun for years, but I haven't let him because A.) I have been slightly afraid of them B.) I feel more comfortable defending myself with my hands and my breakstick C.) I don't want the gun turned on me.
But, I believe that if I work with Joe, I will become very comfortable with a hand gun. I believe I will become a great shot and actually ENJOY shooting. Who knows, maybe I will get to the point where shooting is a past time.
Amazing what little brother's can show you and teach you. Amazing that he knows this information. Amazing that he is such a great shot and teacher.
But, as he put it, this is his job and it is a job where he NEEDS to be good at what he does.
It makes me feel a lot better about what he is doing...seeing that he is most comfortable and confident when holding a weapon. That is something I never thought I would say, but it is the truth.
More on Joe later...

Homecomings and Mattresses

2010-12-27T08:57:00.000-08:00

It is hard to believe that Christmas is already over.
Crazy.
Kevin and I had a wonderful time celebrating the season with our family. Momo got to come home from the rehab unit to spend time with us and see all the renovations we have been making to her home. She seemed very happy with all the painting and rearranging and cleaning we have done. This came with a great sigh of relief. It is hard to make so many changes, yet keep her sense of "home" that she has made intact. But she loved every room and we were able to discuss with her moving her laundry room from the basement to one of the spare bedrooms upstairs.
I think her trip home was much needed. She seemed more relaxed there, even though she was still exhausted.
It was wonderful having all the family together again. It is something we don't get to do very often and I enjoy those times the most.
Christmas day, Kevin and I made a nice brunch for the family and took it to my mom's house so that Momo could enjoy it too. After that, we hurried home, changed and went up to Steinbauer's. We didn't get to stay there as long as I would have liked, but wood needed to be brought into the house, so we had to leave early.
Kevin and I decided that it wouldn't be a proper Christmas holiday without spending some time with friends. We invited over our little group and ended up having a hillbilly good time. Jake and Kevin went and picked up an old king sized box spring and our friends were introduced to the new sport that Kevin, Jake, and John invented called mattress sledding. Basically, hook an old mattress behind the truck, load it with people, and go for a ride.
I am sure that we looked ridiculous; all bundled up, 2 lines of 3 people sitting bobsled style, being dragged behind a truck, but it was loads of fun. I don't think I have laughed so hard in my life. What made it better was that 2 of my best friends were able to come out as well as my 2 younger brothers. I believe the best point of the night was when our friend, who is a state highway patrolman, came screaming up behind us with his spot light on us. Our friend, Johnson, had no clue that we knew him and started freaking out. He became extremely confused when we bum-rushed the cop car to say hi to our friend. I'm not sure how many laws we broke that night, but it was a good time. The most fun I have had in a while...which I am sure most of my friends can say as well.
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and got to spend it laughing with the ones you love.

Girls weekend 2.0

2010-12-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

Three of my girlfriends and I have decided to start doing short trips together all over the place. We are hitting Chicago in February but are having a hard time figuring out where best to spend our time.
We are for sure going to the Shedd, but we want to hear some great live blues while we are there. I am trying to convince them that we NEED to go to Buddy Guys...he is a living legend and if we can see him while we are there, we need to take that opportunity. Tickets haven't gone on sale yet, but I am going to be watching like a hawk from here on out.
We are checking out the Chicago based websites, but it is always so hard to know what is actually good and worth going to. So, we need your help!
Have any of you been to Chicago? If so, what do you recommend? We are only going for 2 days and want to try to keep it cheap.
Any recommendations would be appreciated!

QT

2010-12-22T09:07:00.000-08:00

I began reading the book, "The Art of Racing in the Rain" by Garth Stein about a week ago after a friend suggested I read it and gave me his copy.
I read the first 2 chapters and thought, "Kevin would love this!" So, I told him about it and he suggested that I read him the first chapter.
He loved it. And after reading Kevin the first chapter, we decided that it would be fun for me to read the book to him. This way we can enjoy the book together. So almost every night, we crawl into bed, I sit and read and he cuddles with the dog and I read a couple chapters.
It is nice. I'm sure that most people would consider it weird, but I really enjoy it. I used to read books onto tape in college for kids with learning disabilities, so I am used to reading aloud. I still get a super dry mouth though.
Kevin isn't the strongest reader. I think he has read 3 books in his entire life. He was one of those kids that had a learning disability in school and instead of his teachers taking their time with him, they told him he was lazy and wasn't trying. They couldn't see that he had a disability and needed extra help. He still has major hangups because of these teachers. Kevin is the farthest thing from lazy, and he takes great pride in the fact that he is such a hard worker, so I can appreciate how hurt he was when the teachers told him this.
Because of these teachers, Kevin has a rough time opening up to activities that he considers "academic" because he is worried what people will think. Things that I truly enjoy doing he has a hard time dealing with, and sometimes it puts a damper on our marriage. I enjoy things like museums, theater, reading...basically, the arts. He does not. We will go long lengths of time doing the things he enjoys but I request to go to the art museum and it is like pulling teeth-and we typically end up not going.
Me reading him a book is a great way for me to satisfy a craving. The craving to have "academic" conversations with my husband. Talk about a book, discuss the characters, what we like, what we don't, what we think will happen next. Foreshadowing. Anything.
I love this time that we spend together. I hope that we can continue to do this after we finish this novel...perhaps move on to more challenging readings where you have to think outside the box. I was a literature major...I like the things that catch you off guard, that require in-depth thinking, re-reading passages, things that really provoke the mind.
But for now, we are learning about Enzo and his master and family...and how to race in the rain. The author does a great job of mixing comedy with heart-breaking emotion, complex thoughts with the complexity of racing. All in all, mixing my world of emotions and thought with Kevin's world of mechanics and things that go fast. And dancing, sex-crazed zebras.
I will have to thank the author some day.

The Warrior in Me

2010-12-21T09:28:00.001-08:00

My friend Beth and I have decided to do a little thing called the Warrior Dash this year. The extravaganza will take place June 4th and I am praying to be alive June 5th.
The Dash is a little cult following that is coming to Ohio for the first time. It is basically a little less than a 5k with an obstacle course involved. They call it a run from Hell. It should be interesting. While I am excited about it, I am also extremely nervous. Aside from being completely out of shape, which I am hoping to correct as soon as my treadmill arrives, I am missing a key ligament in my knee, so some of the tasks are a little scary to me. However, I am reading a book called "The Art of Racing in the Rain" and there is a chapter where they talk about racing, of course, in the rain, and basically if you fear the rain you will wreck; if you think too much, you will wreck; if you live in the moment and just do, you will be fine. So that is the mind set I am trying to have. It isn't going to stop me from trying to duplicate these tasks in my backyard to practice...however, I don't think my neighbors would appreciate me putting 1000 tires in my backyard, or creating a giant rope wall. My biggest fear is actually a couple of straw bails...you know, the giant round ones that you see out in the fields? Yeah, we get to climb over 3 of those...piled on top of each other. What I don't think people realize is that straw is chaffing...I used to bail straw when I was younger. You wear long sleeves and pants and gloves...on race day I will be wearing shorts, a tutu covered in feathers, and a tank top...this will do little to protect me from the straw....which I know I will have a problem with. I'm going to be wet from an earlier event, not to mention sweaty, therefore I will be slippery. If I can make it up and over these bails, I think I will be ok. I can handle the giant mud pit no problem, I can handle pulling my butt over some walls, I can handle jumping over some fire...but those straw bails are freaking me out!
It will be interesting. This is for sure.
I want to do something out of the box. I am going to be 30 this year and want to continue to live a spontaneous and active lifestyle. I believe this event will push me beyond belief, but also be a ton of fun.
Check out the pictures on their site...great stuff...

2010-12-20T09:35:00.000-08:00

It's been a while again...I apologize, but a lot of stuff went down and I didn't want to be the debbie-downer blogger. No one likes someone that is negative all the time.
But things are starting to look up, so I may be back.
Lots has been going on, mainly with family. Momo, my grandmother, had surgery on Oct 27th and hasn't been home yet. It has been an up and down game of doing well to being rushed off to Cleveland Clinic and back again. She is doing much better now and I know she is feeling more like herself because when I went to visit her yesterday, she had makeup on and was worried about how her hair looked. I'm just ready to get her home.
It is hard to believe that Christmas is Saturday. I will be doing some last minute shopping tonight. We still do a low-key Christmas, thanks to never fully recovering from the economic downturn, but things are much better and Kevin and I have found ways to save money here and there.
I decided that this Christmas I was only supporting local economy. I think it was a good choice and the proprietors of the stores seemed very appreciative of the gesture.
Kevin and I have only been shopping locally for several months now. We get almost all of our groceries at a local farm market, and in turn, have become friends with the owners. They now purchase their firewood from us, so it is coming around full circle. I love the little farm market, Hall's Garden Gate. If there is something that we need, they find a way to begin carrying it in the store. I love knowing where my beef and chicken comes from along with all the dairy and baked goods. The owners only carry items from Ohio and try to carry as many locally grown items as possible. Of course, certain items require them to go out of state...pineapples, citrus fruits, tomatoes...Ohio can't grow everything. But it feels good to help support the local economy.
We have completely boycotted such stores as walmart and Sam's club. I don't care how good of a deal I can get at one of these "super stores," I would rather go to my local, family owned store.
I challenge you to all do the same. It's a great feeling when you are greeted by the owner of the store when you come in and they are truly happy to see you and they thank you each and every time.
I promise to write again later this week...it may be crazy busy at work with year end, but I am back. For sure this time. I miss my blogging friends and family!

It's Me!

2010-07-28T10:35:00.000-07:00

Im back!
Kindof.
I apologize for dropping off the face of the Earth for months. I have been super busy. Plus, my writing was becoming stagnant, like myself, and I needed a break.

Things have been crazy lately. Work is in shambles. Our part time girl hit the road back at the end of May which meant that I had to start my dreaded drive back and forth to Lorain everyday. Goodbye 15 min drive.

To make matters worse, by car took a dump at the same time that I got the news. It was like it knew that it would be expected to drive an hour each way every. single. day. It gave up. So, Im driving my Ranger. Which I love, but putting gas in it, not so much. 17 mile per gallon x54 miles one way = a lot of cash I don't have. I won a small battle though last Friday and will now be getting reimbursed for some of the gas that I am burning.

June was a busy month. I went to New York City, which was a lot of fun, but oh so tiring. Next time I go I will stay IN the city, not Jersey, and take a whole week to roam the city. Basically the three days that we spent there, I could have spent the whole time in the Met, so the 20 min that I was alotted did not give me enough time to even find where I wanted to go first. Disappointing. I saw no celebrities, but we had no major catastrophies either. The Bronx Zoo was pretty amazing. Hyenas are HUGE by the way. The Lion King made me have this false notion that they were the size of dogs...yeah, dogs that were mutated by a horrible nuclear accident. They scared the bejezus out of me. I almost got attacked by a condor as well, thank God for the giant fence, cause that bird wanted to eat me. I looked like a tasty drumstick to it apparently.
The zoo was a good choice for our last day, even though our feet were beyond killing us by this point.

July I got to spend a weekend with my Aunt and Uncle at their new place on Middle Bass Island in Lake Erie. It is a mere 15 min drive and hour ferry ride away, but I may as well have been transported to Bora Bora. It was the most relaxing weekend I have had since my honeymoon. Their home is beautiful. The bed was like sleeping on a cloud and I could have easily sat on their second story deck and stared at the lake for the rest of my life, or until I got hungry. We spent the weekend biking around the island, riding wave runners, laying out on the floating island, (and getting rescued from the water snakes,) riding in Uncle Don's Donzi, sipping wine, and relaxing in rocking chairs. The highlight of the trip was a cruise that we took that was a fund raiser for the island's firefighters. It took us around Middle Bass, Sugar Island, Rattlesnake Island, and Put-in-Bay during the most spectacular sunset. I loved it and fell in love with island life on Lake Erie. It is my dream to own a small shack there someday.

My husband and I are still on the hunt for new jobs. I send out resumes pretty often, but no one is hiring, so basically I am wasting expensive paper, but I am hoping that one of these times, someone will see that I am well qualified and want to hire me. Im hopeful.

Work on the house continues. Slowly but surely. We ripped some carpet out of the soon to be office over the weekend. Kevin found an I-beam at work and is going to see if we can purchase that from the company. If we can, we can get the supports rigged up in the basement and start finishing drywall and putting in flooring. We are stuck until we get that done. Hopefully it is sooner than later.

I will try to catch myself up on everyone's blogs. I hope I didn't miss anything toooo important. But Im back, and promise not to go away for that long again!

Working on my Sinatra...

2010-04-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

Im going to New York City!!!!! June 11th thru the 13th, I will be tooling around the big apple taking in all the sights with some of my girl friends. I am beyond excited.
I have always wanted to go to NYC. I have no clue what all we are going to do, and I know that 3 days is no where near enough to see everything there is to see, but it is a start.
If anyone has any suggestions on things to do, shoot them my way. And if anyone wants to meet for dinner one evening, let me know as well! We are staying in Jersey to save some cash, but plan on spending almost all of our time in the city.
I do want to get a velour sweatsuit in some God-awful color, paint myself orange, and tease my hair to the sky-but don't want to get my ass kicked when no Jersey accent comes out of my mouth and I am found to be mocking the enigma that is a Jersey girl. It would be fun though, right?
Anyways. Excited. Excited. Excited!

Great Grandma's Treasures

2010-04-13T08:56:00.000-07:00

Hand pieced "dresden plate" pattern

One of my favorites. Hand pieced Double wedding ring pattern. It is so bright and cheery. It is one that I hope to get when she passes, but it may already be claimed.

"Sunbonnett Sue" pattern. Of course hand pieced.

A close up of the pattern

Grandma created this beauty when my great grandpa was sick. She took two sheets she had and pinned them to her bed and free hand-stitched this shell pattern. Using no pattern to go off of. This is an incredible feet! No puckers or anything. It is amazing.

Close up of the detail in the stitching. her stitches are small and consistant.

A strip stitch quilt. This was made from scraps from a local seamstress. All the pieces are hand stitched together and go in an alternating pattern.

Another strip quilt made with scraps. This time in a block pattern.

This is the quilt that I claimed. It was made with material from a local penny store with just white and peach blocks. Grandma thought it was too plain so she hand embroidered the star pattern. It is beautiful. She wanted to know why I wanted this one, because she thinks it is plain. I told her it was because not only did it show her piecing and quiliting abilities, but it showed her embroidery abilities as well-that it wasn't plain, because when you looked up close you could see the hours of work that went into it. It is my absolute favorite!

This is a memory quilt in a block pattern made with material from pieces of clothing from her children. the green in material from an old dress of hers. She was able to tell which material went with which child.

This is an afghan that great grandma made for her mother while she was sick. Great-great grandma would use it daily and wouldn't let any one else touch it because she was afraid it would get damaged. It is bright and cheery and made with left over yarn. It was given back to great grandma after her mother passed.

"Alabama the Beautiful"

2010-04-13T08:43:00.000-07:00

Alabama the beautiful.
That is where I was all last week. Visiting my great grandma and being the awesome granddaughter that I am-driving for my grandparents.
It was a nice trip. The drive down was easy. No traffic, quick drive time.
My great grandma practically ran (well, her best attempt at running) to give me a hug when we got there. It had been 5 years since the last time I had seen her and 17 years since I had been in Alabama.
It was a long week of a lot of nothing. Which was nice for a change. I spent a lot of time sitting on the back porch, then the front porch, then eating breakfast with grandma and talking. I took lots of walks and did a lot of reading.
One day I took the time to plant flowers in all of grandma's planters and into her landscaping. She was so excited. I also helped her to make homemade apple cobbler and buscuits one evening. Hoping I got the recipe right in my head. She doesn't measure anything, just knows how much to use.
We went for daily walks together. Short walks, usually no longer than 500 yards, but nice time together none-the-less.
She was so thankful to have someone to listen to her and talk to her and seem truly interested in what she had to say. I cherished every word that came across her lips. I loved spending time with her and wish I had more time with her.
The last night that I was there, grandma came into the bedroom I was staying in and asked if I wanted to see her quilts. They are amazing. I got to hear the story behind each one and got to pick the one that I will get when she passes. I took the time to shake them all out and refold them. She was so thankful for that. She doesn't have the strength anymore to lift the heavy fabrics to fold them nicely. They were all stacked cleanly and "just like she used to do them" when I was done with them.
When we left Saturday morning, I couldn't help but cry. Grandma was crying as well. She just kept saying that she wished I could stay with her. I can't help to wonder if it will be the last time I see her. I hope not.
She is an amazing woman who has lead an amazing life.
She is a fiesty 91 year old

Grateful

2010-03-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday evening was a very sobering evening.
My husband and I went back to my alma mater, Heidelberg (college for ever in my heart) University.
A gentleman from my home town, Don Behm, was speaking along with a friend of his, Jim Lichtman.
Don was in the 11th armoured division. Jim survived 3 concentration camps. Don liberated the camp in Mathausen that Jim was in.
The Great Hall, where they were speaking, was packed full of students and community members alike. The community members understood why we were there, the students, not so much. Im sure some of them appreciated it, but most just didnt understand.

Listening to Mr. Behm as he described pushing in the gates of the camp with his tank and what he saw when they broke through was devastating to hear. The tremor in his voice, holding back tears, made me break down. He was just giving a prologe to what Mr. Lichtman would be telling us.
Mr. Lichtman watched as his mother and sister were taken away at Auschwitz. He didn't know where to, but the guard pointed to the crematorium and told him that that was where they were going. Then he watched as his beloved uncle threw himself against the electrified fence because he didn't want to go through what the rest of them would be.
He was loaded back on a train and taken to one work camp after another. Finally settling in Gusen (Mauthausen.)
Here, he would watch as his father was beat to death because not enough Jews were killed that day. It broke my heart to hear him describe this. How the guard made him watch. How his father tried to give his tiny piece of bread to his son as he was being murdered. I sobbed. I broke down. Kevin was crying too. Yet, the girl sitting next to me asked me what my problem was.
Mr. Lichtman survived 100 days in camp, while most only last 90. He was in the infirmary, a place where the sick were taken to die, not get better, when the tanks broke through. He was 18.
He returned to his home to discover his mother was still alive. He worked to pay $1000 each for passage to America with fake passports.
He moved to New Jersey and began working for an appliance company and later bought it and became very wealthy. He didn't tell his wife, children, no one about what he had been through until he was in his 4o's. Then he decided that people needed to hear his story, if only to prevent it from happening again.
He speaks in Germany each year to students and all over America.
I felt blessed just to be in these two men's great presence.
I can't thank them enough for sharing their very difficult story to tell.
I wish the student's could understand how lucky they are. How this generation is dying and we are going to lose all their knowledge with them.
That it is our duty to carry on their memory and what they went through so that we never have to.

Team Funbags!

2010-03-26T09:08:00.000-07:00

I think I am going to start up a team for the Susan G. Koman 3 day walk for a cure event in Cleveland this year.
I've wanted to attend for the past 3 years, but think I am going to make that step this year and commit to doing it!
I just requested information on how to start a team so hopefuly that will help!

The event is July 30th through August 1st in downtown Cleveland.
Let me know if any of you are interested in participating!
It will be a fun, emotional, and awe-inspiring event!
I can't wait!

Melt the Ice

2010-03-22T04:33:00.000-07:00

I ran my first 5k of the year on saturday morning. It's called the Melt the Ice 5k. There were only about 300 runners, but this was good because it was on the northcoast inland trail which isn't very wide. I had never been on this part of the trail, sticking mainly to the couple miles around the Clyde area, rollerblading with my girls. This section is really nice. But it has hills!
I have never run a 5k that had hills included, so that was an unexpected suprise that kicked my butt. The wind wasn't very nice either. It was about 37 degrees that morning and I ran with a pair of flannel pants, a t-shirt, and a fleece zip-up. I needed it. Was wishing I had gloves too. Will remember that for next year!
So, the first mile was pretty easy. We were blocked from the wind and my MP3 player was playing some songs to keep my mind focused on something other than my breathing (I am a loud breather when I run and need something to distract me from it so I don't overly focus on it! Im crazy!)
The second mile was a bit tougher. It included all 3 large hills and two bridges over the Sandusky River which was rather chilly crossing. The down and back was in this section and included a tunnel that went under the entrance to the bridge. The tunnel on the way through wasn't so bad. On the way back, however, it became a giant windtunnel and it took everything I had to get through it! There was a couple running in front of me and as soon as they stepped into the tunnel, they stopped running, put their head down and tried to trudge through it. As soon as I hit the massive wind, I leaned into it and seriously grunted like Rambo. It was the longest 200 yards of the race!
The last mile was tough, but there was a good sized crowd cheering us on. I pushed in the last 1/4 mile and actually got photographed by the Elite Runner's Club photographer. Haha! A friend of mine had finished before me and was there cheering me on making me push it even more!
I finished with my best time so far. 5 minutes faster than last years best time. I am still slow compared to most runners, but am making great strides. I know that my next time will be even better and eventually I will be to my goal time of 33min. My finish time this time as 43:02. Not fantastic, but I am still proud. Especially since it was my first "cold weather" race and because I made such great progress from last year.
A guy actually remembered me from races last year and told me I look like a much better runner this year. More relaxed and less huffy-(his exact words! Haha!) Huffy.
I can't wait til my next race in April. Im hoping to finish at 40:00 or better!

2010-03-18T09:31:00.001-07:00

Ah, Spring.
I love this time of year. Everything feels so fresh, so new, so lovely. It makes all the Ohio snow worth it (almost.)

2010-03-17T08:51:00.000-07:00

Im eating a coissant...not the regular kind, the kind that's all glazed and stuff from the local bakery, that is way more unhealthy than the regular kind.
I need it today.
I got the letter yesterday. THE letter.
"You are due for your 6 month follow-up pap smear. Please call to schedule your appointment."
Frightening words.
I just shoved half the coissant into my mouth and am now typing with freshly licked fingers. Gross, I know. I'm freaking out.
I never used to be this way about my pap. NEVER. I was the girl everyone wanted to be in the office. Cheery, chatting with the office girls, relaxed, and totally cool with the situation. Not anymore. Now I sit quiet, fidgeting, constantly checking my watch. Inside freaking out, trying not to let that show on the outside.
I am tying to be confident, positive. I know this helps. I can't change anything, why get all worked up over it?! Deep breath...inhale, exhale. Better.
Final bite of coissant...MUCH better.

I've been running a lot lately. Every morning. I have my first 5k this saturday and I am actually nervous. I didn't really get nervous at any of them last year. Mainly because I did not put any pressure on myself. This year, though, I am setting goals. And I want to meet those goals, break them, shatter them. I'm in a more mind over matter place this year and am ready to push myself through the races. I may never win a 5k, but I want to continue to beat my personal bests.
I'm contemplating signing up for a half marathon in September. I think it would be amazing to do. I'm trying to work out the logistics, the hours and miles I would need to log to prepare. I think I can do it. I want to do it. I will do it.

My life has become about determination, setting and reaching new goals. Now, if I could just get the balls to dial that one phone number...

Invitation samples...I need a name!

2010-03-11T04:31:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite. Very modern looking, yet simple.

For the bride that loves vellum. Allows all enclosures to be tied inside with a pretty little bow around the outside of the vellum.

The paper didn't translate well in the picture. White shimmer under pink shimmer. It looks really nice in person.

A little modern, yet classic at the same time. My best seller as of late.

The inside allows for the traditional cheesy quote. "the path that leads to happiness is so narrow that two cannot walk on it unless they become one!"

Simple and classic. Comes with matching reception card

Large save the date (size of a post card) (oh, and I didn't pick the colors...this was all Tiff's giant orange and hot pink wedding!)

Small save the date...cute, simple, cheap!

Bachelorette Invitation

Per Lizzi's request. Here are some samples of my invitations. I have tons more at home from past mock-ups, but these are the basic styles. Any ideas for a name for my little business venture?

2010-03-09T08:39:00.001-08:00

Kevin took Bully to the reservoir yesterday to let him run around and play and leap and jump and sniff and bound through the open fields there.
He came home with another dog.
While Kevin was there, her kept noticing a little beagle running around, from group of people to group of people. When the little dog finally got to Kevin, he saw that the dog was dirty and that someone had removed its collar. This res is out in the middle of no where...people in our area are notorious for driving out to BFE and dropping off unwanted pets. It is how I got most of my cats and one dog growing up. Bastards. The dog was extremely friendly so Kevin picked her up and brought her home. (don't worry, he checked all the local houses to make sure she didn't slip her collar and take off.)
She is a little female beagle, fixed now, but once had pups...you can tell from her giant momma teets. I estimate that she is 3-4 years old. Extremely sweet, housebroken, and gentle. It breaks my heart that someone threw her out like trash. She is precious. She even toughed it out through a shower with Kevin and didn't once whine. We are trying to find her a good home, but it seems like no one wants her...it is early though. I have hope. If we are not able to find her a home, we have no choice but to take her to the humane society. We have called all the local sherriffs offices, but no one has reported a missing dog yet.
I just want her to go to a good home. She is so sweet and precious, she deserves a family that will love her, not leave her on the side of the road to fend for herself. At least she has a warm house, a soft bed, food, and water for the time being.

Saturday was a rough day for me. Kevin was off helping a buddy fix his truck, so I was left at home by myself. I worked on invitations for most the morning, but just felt depressed all day. I was thinking a lot about my Grandpa that day. So I decided to go to his grave and talk to him. I have never done this before, except one time when a friend of mine took me to meet her father, and he had been dead for almost a year. I sat at his little marker, the one still from the funeral home, and thought about him. I can still see him perfectly in my head. Still hear his laugh. Still see the way his eyes would crinkle up as he smiled...like all Steinbauer's do. I picture him with all his family around him, at family gatherings, when he seemed most happy. I sat at his grave and cried and cried and cried for a good 20 min. I needed it. I miss him to death and regret not spending more time with him when he was here. I just always thought he would be here. He always seemed so healthly, even though he wasn't. I guess I just thought he was immortal. Oh, the things we learn after they are too late.

Anyways, I have been super busy lately and relate my breakdown to actually having some free time. I am working 2 jobs almost daily now, trying to make some money. Kevin took a paycut when he went back to work and the overtime they promised him hasn't been that consistant. I hate not having money in the bank. I hate worrying about how we are going to pay for the gallon of milk we need, and eating soup everyday because it is what we can afford. Kevin is searching for a second job, but they are non-existant. Luckily he is working 10 hour days all this week and may get to work saturday as well. The other driver at my second job having a nervous breakdown was a blessing to me. It means I get all the hours I want...and boy am I scooping them up. My house is suffering...it is dirtier than I have ever seen it. I need to get on Kevin about that. We got our taxes done saturday and our return should help. We will be able to pay off the only credit card we have AND get the part to fix Kevin's ranger so he can sell it to his friend. That will be TWO, count them 2, payments gone! That is a wonderful thing. Also, Kevin's Heavy Chevy is getting fixed by Job and Family services for free...awesome! The estimates came out to around $6200 so that is money that we don't have to worry about to get his main vehicle fixed. The only upside to Kevin getting laid off!
Things can only go up from here...

Help!!

2010-03-08T09:11:00.000-08:00

I need a name!

Let me clarify...
I need a name for my invitations business. The place where I get my paper wants to advertise me and give out my business card to the people that come in asking about invitations. I can't think of a witty name.
I would love to use a little owl stamp that I found as part of my logo, but that is all I have.
Help...I need your ideas!!!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

2010-02-23T08:56:00.000-08:00

I cut my hair this weekend. 11 inches gone. It feels lighter, but I am struggling with styling it. I even bought a straightener, and all of you that know me know that this is a monumental moment in my life. I can barely run a hair dryer.

Im having cutters remorse. I want my long hair back.

Everyone says they like it, but I think it makes my face look fat. It doesnt help that Kevin said, it makes your face look happier and rounder. No girl wants to hear that it makes their face look rounder. no one.

Kevin loves it though, but he LOVES short hair on women. I think I pull it off ok, but Im not happy with it, therefore I feel unattractive.

My good friend, Kyle, always important to me, confirmed what I was feeling by telling me that he was completely unattracted to me now. Kyle is harsh, Kyle is blunt. It is one of the reasons I love him. Im not typically a girl to get too worked up over things like this, but I want my long, beautiful hair back. N.O.W!

It will probably take a good year to grow it back out...plus I get to go through the lovely awkward stages of the grow out...yuck.

The only thing that makes it worthwhile...I donated my hair for the 6th time to locks of love and convinced an 11 year old little girl to do it with me in the process.

Sigh.

Hair, please come back quickly...

Let the journey continue!

2010-02-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

I've decided to go back to school. Im following through with it this time. No ifs, ands, or buts...butts...
I'm going for my masters in education so I can FINALLY teach. I am going to do it on line, which scares me because I love the classroom, but figure I can still work full time this way. I am "meeting" with my counselor on monday...by meeting I mean tele-conference. I am already impressed with the school so far though . This woman gets me. She gets that I have a great base education and she knows what I am after...Im after that office in Pfleiderer building at Heidelberg that I sat in so many times in college...I want that office to be mine. I am going to focus on English, but will probably have health sciences included just so I am more valuable to a school.
Kevin doesn't understand it. I told him..."Im bored at work. My brain is rotting. I am a smart person and I am letting it waste away and this is a crime. I want a job where I am stimulated everyday, where I am excited to get up to go to work, where I influence people, where I help to mold minds and create excitement over things they never thought they would be excited about. Because I want to and I am doing it. "
He didn't talk to me for the rest of the night. He still wants me to go to nursing school, or go demand more money where I am currently at. But he doesn't understand that I am not happy here and I. AM. MAKING. CHANGES.
I think he is afraid I am going to leave him. Anytime I go to school, he gets all antsy-like he thinks I am going to wake up one day and be all like, "I don't love him because he didn't go to college..." so not like that. I wish he could see all the wonderful things about him that made me fall in love with him. I wish he would be excited for me.
I am excited for me.
I am excited for my future.
I am excited for my education to start again.
I am excited...
I am excited...
I am excited...

lucky!

2010-02-05T11:43:00.001-08:00

My coworker just won $21,000 on the Ohio pick 4 lottery!
Holy cow!
We just had a little jumping up and down celebration for her...
It couldn't have gone to a better person...

2010-02-05T08:56:00.000-08:00

Im ready for winter to be over.
I sick of waking up everyday and having the sky be the same gray, nasty, drab color all day.
Its depressing and I hate having to cheer myself up because the weather brings me down.
Im ready for spring. Im ready to go running on the roads instead of a treadmill next to a woman who complains every.single.morning. about her divorce and how horrible her ex-husband is. I get it. He's an ass. I can't drown you out with loud music anymore because my friend is living in the loft above the gym because she finally left her abusive boyfriend and I don't want to wake her.
Im ready for blue skys. Warm sun. Green grass. Birds chirping when I walk outside to go to work. Dew instead of frost. My tulips, my tulips, my tulips.
Did I tell you I planted close to 300 bulbs this past fall? All colors of pinks and magentas and purples and lilacs and blues and whites. I can't wait to see all the tiny buds popping up from the soil...marking the arrival of spring.
Im going to Alabama in April. Im driving my grandparents down to see my Momo's mother....my great grandmother. She is one amazing woman. 93 this year and still kicking. Her mind is still sharp, she still cooks, still feeds her chickens every morning, and still tells great stories about her past.
Im excited to see her. It's been far too long. The last time I was down there was when I was in junior high. Lots of things have changed, but I know most of the things have stayed the same.
Im not excited about sleeping on a couch for a week...on my vacation. Why do I have to do this when it is a 4 bedroom home? Because her one son, David, lives with her and helps her take care of the house and takes care of Grandma. Momo and Papa will have one room, and I just found out this week, that my Uncle Joe moved back in. My alcoholic, drug addicted uncle. Is living in the same house as his mother, the wife of a baptist minister. Leaching off his mother. Im not happy about it. I catch him with drugs in my grandma's house and I will kick his ass myself. I hate when he drinks. He is inappropriate when he drinks. Says inappropriate things. Thinks he is funny when he is sick. I may be renting a hotel room all by myself if it gets too bad. I want to enjoy my vacation.
I will have to take pictures when I am down there. You will be suprised by how old-timey it is. I mean, grandma lives on a dirt road. A.Dirt.Road. Red clay to be exact. It gets all over your clothes and shoes down there. I need to get a pair of throw away style shoes to go running in.
There are lots of HUGE trees, ant hills, and poverty stricken homes in her area. Nobody has a lot. Everything is basic. BUT, they have nice porches. Front AND back porches. You spend a lot of time on the porch when you are there. That part is nice. You get a cold drink, plop down in one of the rocking chairs and sit back and watch the chickens run around until the sun goes down. I do love that part. I learned the art of sitting still on those porches. I learned to appreciate watching nature around you and being quiet and sitting in the company of those you love and NOT having to talk constantly.
That is one thing Alabama has that Ohio doesnt...the ability to be still and appreciate the things around you.

Things I want to do before I die...

2010-02-04T08:52:00.001-08:00

I was thinking in the shower last night, because the shower is my thinking spot, about things that I would love to do/accomplish before I die.
This is what I have so far:

-Run a 5k in less than 25 min
-Run a half marathon
-Run a full marathon
-Compete in a triathalon
-Be skinny/confident enough to get professional nudie pics taken for my husband's birthday (tasteful of course-no full frontal!)
-Have a job that I love, love, love, love, love going to
-Own a boat
-Try Indian food (I know, not a big one, but I live in Bellevue Ohio...nuff said)
-See France, again
-Own a place in Cape Cod so I can go there anytime I want
-Sit in awe of the powerful Mississippi River
-Climb a mountain
-Go to Vegas
-Go on a missionary trip with my friend Faith from College
-Learn to start an IV
-Drive a car that costs more than my house (just on loan...not buy it)
-Fly an airplane
-Own a house free and clear
-Travel, travel, travel, travel, travel
-Go back to school for teaching and keep going til I get my doctorate
-Take a cheerleading squad to nationals
-Take my ENTIRE family on a nice vacation
-See my Aunt and Uncle's house in Australia...in person
-SCUBA dive in a tropical location...you can only look at muddy sunken boats in Lake Erie for so long
-Rescue more pit bulls
-Have a bedroom that looks like an adults bedroom...with matching furniture!
-Have a tin ceiling in my dining room
-Donate blood...I can't bring myself to do it for some reason!
-Become a vegetarian for at least a year
-make a difference in someones life

The list will continue, be added to, edited...
I will keep you posted...
Hoping to be able to check off at least 2 this year!

Drydocked

2010-01-29T04:43:00.000-08:00

Ive been slacking on my blogging lately. But honestly, I haven't had much to blog about. My life is boring right now. Same schedule everyday. boring.
I have added one thing. I started running again. Like really running...not my walk with a hop for a mile or so...Im talking running....to get in shape and run a half marathon.
That is my goal for this year. To run a half marathon. Maybe in May if my training goes well, maybe not til september....it all depends. But I am making myself drag my ass onto that treadmill every morning to do it. And I feel great after my morning run. Today was my first rest day and I feel lethargic. I don't like that....I will just have to do some cross training on my rest days. I've already lost 4lbs this week. Lets keep that trend going...

I got some exciting news from my brother on Wed. night. He and his wife are expecting their second child! Oh, so exciting! I couldn't be happier. I love hearing the pride and excitement in my brother's voice. I can't wait to meet the new addition to our family...and I am soooo excited for Turner to have a sibling!
It seems everyone I know is pregnant or just had a baby. I got to see some friends last night that I hadn't seen in forever and got to meet their little girl, Ali. She is so beautiful. I guess we are at that stage in our life....my friends and I....where bridal showers are replaced by baby showers, bouquets for diapers. Im not feeling that pull, or want for a child though when I see all my friends with their baby. I think that says something....it could mean nothing though too. It could just mean that Kevin and I aren't meant to have a child. I'm ok with that. Our baby is our relationship...Lord knows it takes as much work as a newborn baby does...always working something out, even when we are doing good.
He has vowed to quit drinking...completely. Not even the occasional beer. This makes me happy. A lot of his problems stem from when he drinks. I think he uses drinking to cover his insecurities because he feels more ok with himself when he has a slight buzz...who doesn't love themselves more when they are buzzing...problem is, that buzz goes away and you have to deal with regular old you and sometimes, you don't like that person. After saying something hurtful to one of his best friends this weekend, and hurting another friend, plus me...I think he realized its time that that little brown bottle be thrown in the garbage for good. I hope he sticks with it. He has already distanced himself from his daily drinking buddy...this makes me happy. I wasn't a huge fan of the guy...he was nice enough, but I like being married to one guy...not two. I will keep you all updated on his progress. Im totally ok with not drinking...I could go forever without another drop of alcohol. It is not a necessary evil in my world. It is an easy sacrifice for me.
Work has been crazy busy. I should get started on my pile o' crap.
Bonus-Im going in April for an advanced mastectomy fitter class....Im super excited.

2010-01-20T08:53:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think I married the most ignorant man on the planet...other times he amazes me because he is so wonderful, but now, not so much.

"Fuck Haiti"

That is Kevin's stance on th whole earthquake/disaster issue.
I get it. It's far away. It doesn't affect you. But come on..."Fuck Haiti?"
That's a little harsh.
Mind you, he doesn't just state this to me...he says this infront of our best friend, Jason, and another coworker at Fontana's.
We were all shocked. I asked him how he could say this...

"If they can't figure out how to survive for themselves, I say it's natural selection."

I don't think Kevin realizes what a poverty stricken area this is, even before the earthquake. That people had maybe one pot or pan, barely any money, and they were already scraping by to survive.

"If they can't figure out how to make clean water when they are surrounded by an Ocean, then they SHOULD die."

You've got to be kidding me, right?! He then goes on to explain how to render clean water from ocean water...you simply need a pot or pan, fire, a piece of plastic, and a clean container to put it in. Apparently Kevin was born with this information in him, because I would be dying to thirst as well. I don't think he realizes they don't have cable shows like Survivorman to teach you these things. But whatever.

Sometimes, it is best to just walk away. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion right? I guess that is just his. But I was embarrassed that he said this and meant it.
I may not agree with the beliefs of Haitians, but I don't wish anyone to have to go through what they are going through right now.

I guess sometimes ignorance is bliss.

and I guess I should be thankful that Kevin would be able to provide for us if we were to ever have to deal with a natural disaster...

Spring Cleaning?

2010-01-18T08:58:00.000-08:00

Kevin and I throw two parties per year. The reasons are dual purpose...in the winter, we have our Ugly Sweater Party...where you find the ugliest sweater you can and wear it with pride. We have different themes each year. This year...animals. Think crazy cat lady...yeah, you got it. Our summer party is out doors and we mainly BBQ and hang out by a HUGE bonfire. It is nice.
The second reason for the parties is so that we clean our house from top to bottom.
I spent my weekend shampooing carpets. I didn't realize how dirty our carpets were until I was emptying the water...blech! I feel much better now. Kevin and I went nuts! I went through 3 of our rooms and pulled out a bunch of stuff for goodwill and salvation army. We took a whole truckload to goodwill! I think washed the walls and made sure there were no cobwebs on the ceilings or on the fans or anything. Kevin patches some of our drywall/plaster and finished mudding our mud room. He also built us a nifty little shoe shelf on an unused and wasted space in our basement stairwell. Our house feels so much cleaner and fresh. And I feel decluttered.

I wish we had more things done at our house, but money is required for this. Slowly but surely.
Our friends Jill and Rob host the New Years party with the sole purpose of it driving them to get projects done on their home. Funny-huh. Funny, but true. We are only motivated by others sometimes.

Our animals were running around like mad, trying to figure out why the living room furniture was in the dining room and kitchen. And why there were so many loud noises. My dog HATED the shampoo-er, was petrified of it. It was hilarious chasing him around our linoleumed kitchen with it.....scamper-scratch-slip-slide-stumble to the left, then back to the right, trying so hard to get away from it. Poor thing. But it's free entertainment and I am easily entertained. I call it payback for scaring the be-jesus out of me when he decided to bark at a deer outside at 2am ...I understand, the deer was looking in the window at him, but seriously...its not going to murder us in our sleep, so shush it!

Anyways, Im excited for our Ugly Sweater Party this weekend. And I know that my cleaning job will be lost 5min after people start to arrive, but for the time being...I will enjoy my lovely, clean house!

2010-01-11T09:01:00.001-08:00

So I forgot to mention that Kevin went back to work at the machine shop he used to work at last week. He got the call new years eve when we were headed to Stow. It was great news. He is back there with his vacation time back and seniority. They are training him on the laser cutter, so it is something that he can add to his resume...always a plus.
Downside-he can't take the classes he signed up for. I am trying to convince him to change his classes to a couple of night classes....for several reasons.
One. I really think the school thing would boost his confidence. Two. School never hurts. It can only add to his employment appeal. Three. It will keep him busy and out of trouble...which leads me to my next story...
So Kevin has a buddy from the landscape supplier that we worked for after the machine shop laid him off...His name is Jake and he is 19. He graduated with my youngest brother. He is an ok kid, but he is 19. He is young. He is dumb. He has a lot of learning to do and he thinks he is way more mature than he is. He needs to learn when to shut his mouth.
Jake is at our house all the time...I mean almost every day from the time he gets off work til 9 at night. Its frustrating. I want to come home to MY HOME and relax...not have to put up with an infantile kid running around making my husband wish he were 19 again. Case in point...I got stuck going to a KEGGER in a BARN this weekend.
Im talking underage drinking, kids making out, stupid fights, and kids thinking their cool because they are drinking and smoking. L.A.M.E.
I didn't drink til 4 years ago...Im 28.
I felt so out of place at this party. It was pathetic. Nothing like walking in and being judged by a bunch on 18 year olds. There was no way in hell I was drinking at this party...I had my bottle of water in my coat pocket, trying to find a clean place to lean against to watch the horrible antics going on.
First off...almost every girl there was wearing a tank top and jeans that were so tight you could see what type of underwear they were wearing...in a barn that is MAYBE 65*. I had on a t-shirt, sweatshirt, and arctic lined carhart jacket and was freezing. Every guy was just plain lame...thinking they were the shit as they attempted to do keg stands. I laughed as each one got done and ran outside to puke...the tap on the keg was done wrong so more foam than beer was coming out. Smart guys. I finally got fed up with all the immaturity and headed home at 12:45 with an angry husband in tow. He didn't realize that I was miserable and so was his other friend that came with us...he is also 28 and thought it was a horrible idea to be there. So I drop John off to get his truck and he heads out as Kevin is getting all pissy because I was being a catty bitch for not wanting to stay at the party.
So what do I do. Tell him to get back in the car and I drop HIS lame ass back off at the party and tell him to stay with Jake. He does.
Jake drops him back off in the morning and asks why I didn't stay. Really? Well, I gave it to him just as I saw it.
It was lame. All the kids that were there had no business drinking, the girls needed to put some damn clothes on and quit having sex in the corner with random guys, and that I thought they were all losers and didn't want to be there. I asked if any of these kids were going to college...No. Of course not. I had that pegged as soon as we walked in. I told Jake that he needed to distance himself from this crowd if he wanted to be anything. That they would end up at the local bars with all the lame assholes from my class that are a waste of life: drinking every night, having one night stands with anyone that will touch them, wearing their letterman's jackets when they are 30, and working dead-end jobs. I saw their futures already.
Then I laid into Kevin. Asking him if he felt like a big cool man drinking with a bunch of 19 year olds, letting his wife sleep alone because he wanted to relive his high school days, If he realized that if the cops showed up HE would be liable for all the alcohol there since he was the only one over 21?
Dumbass.
Jake apologized. Kevin just looked embarrassed as I stormed away.
It is one thing to have a few drinks with your little brother on a holiday or at a graduation party...it is a complete other issue to go to a "high school" party where you know one person and act like the idiots that are there.
I certainly hope that Kevin got the point. I will be gone if it happens again. He has responsibilities and a wife and he needs to remember this.

Hello 2010!

2010-01-06T08:53:00.000-08:00

Ah, New Years. One of my favorite holidays...why? Because I get to spend the evening with friends, drinking, eating, and dancing.

It was a fun evening.

We started by going to dinner at Pufferbellies in Kent. Yummy.

Then, it was back to Jill and Rob's for a festive evening full of laughter, dancing, and Michael Jackson music.

They had a keg so the rule was, if you wanted booze or champagne, you had to bring it. Well, I think everyone was worried that we wouldn't have enough champagne because we had so many bottles, everyone had their own personal bottle when the ball dropped. Amazing. (note-this leads to drunken dancing)

I made my rounds in the living room giving everyone a kiss for luck after kissing Kevin. It's what I do.

Then, back to dancing.

I think I lost 5lbs dancing that night.

I woke up (after going to bed at 5am) feeling like I had done power squats all night and fallen down the stairs at least 50 times. I hadn't, but that is what my body was saying.

Thank God Emily brought the compazine, cause my belly needed it.

To say the least, it was a long drive home and my couch was well loved that following day.

Oh, I love new years!

2009-12-30T04:51:00.001-08:00

She did it.
She finally left him.
My phone rang at 6am this morning. It was Tiffany. The quiet, meek voice that had taken her over for 2 years now gone, the strong, confident woman I know back on the line.
"I did it. I left him. I moved out at 2am last night. I refuse to do it anymore."
Relief.
After over a year and a half of not knowing where her husband was each night, drunken fights at 2am, cheating, piles of hidden disgusting porn, disrespect, and no concern for her feelings, she had had enough. Just last week he promised to change for the baby in her belly. It look exactly 4 days for him to go right back to what he was doing. Little did he know, she went and actually got separation papers last week because she knew he wouldn't change.
She is filing them today. Calling her lawyer today.
She is past the point of being sad that her marriage is over, she has watched it die as she furiously tried to keep it alive for the past 2 years. She is just angry now. At that point where she feels stupid for putting herself in the position she is in. He had her fooled. He has us all fooled that he was a good guy. He never drank like that before, never looked at other women, was respectful of her feelings. Then the facade disappeared for good a few weeks after the wedding.
She has support. Mine, her mothers, her fathers, her sister, her brothers, her other friends. She has plenty of doors open to her now.
Im proud that she is finally standing up for herself again. I am happy that my strong friend is back...she was just sleeping inside her. Her baby woke her back up.
And she told me "Thank you for always being there and telling me the truth."
She is going to be the best mother ever.

2009-12-23T08:46:00.001-08:00

I have been so super busy, that I haven't been able to post anything in a while...other than my rant. I try not to do that too often, so you all get a break for a while.

New developments.
Kevin had a job interview last thursday with a tool and dye company. He called the owner monday and was told that he probably wouldn't hear anything till after the holidays because he was so busy, but that Kevin was his first choice and he was still mulling over what to offer him paywise. This is fantastic news! Most of the people that work there make between 18-22 and hour. This makes Haley happy. The work schedule is also set up in such a way that kevin can still go to school. He will work 4 12 hour shifts thurs, fri, sat, and sun.
Kevin actually went and signed up for 13 credit hours on thursday as well. Im quite proud. He starts school the 13th. I hope he sticks with it!

We have also been working diligently on our bookshelf project for our nephew, Turner. It is a bookshelf that Grandpa Steinbauer made. We can't do everything to it that we originally wanted, but nonetheless, it will still look nice and clean and neutral enough that he can hold on to it his entire life. I will be happy when it is done. Christmas Eve is tomorrow and we really wanted to be able to give it to him then.

I got into a pair of jeans I haven't worn in over a year. This makes me very, very, very, very, very, very ,very happy. My journey there continues.

I hope you all have a wonderful break and get to spend ample times with your families and the ones you love!

Teenage love

2009-12-17T08:43:00.000-08:00

You know those commercials about the "when does caring become abuse" where the boy is constantly texting his girlfriend while dressed up like a giant cellphone...you know the one "nude pics. send some."
Well, what happens when it isn't just texting...and when it isn't the boy trying to control the girl, but the girl controlling the boy?
Im worried about my youngest brother, Jake. He has been seeing a girl for a little over a year now. Jake is 19...this girl, Bridget, is 16...just turned 16. She is the most manipulative, bipolar, slutty, controlling, disrespectful little girl I have ever met.
My brother is not the brother that I know. He is a shell of himself...completely devoid of the person he once was, now just a slave to her. He isn't allowed to have any friends and therefore has none. His old best friend, Dawson, talks to me and is constantly worrying about Jake. He misses him, but no matter how many times he calls or texts, he gets no response back. And it's not just friends. When Jake worked for the same company as my husband, he called off so much and left early so many times because Bridget would call with a "migraine" and "NEED" him, that he lost his job there. He told my mom that he quit, but in reality, they fired him...it destroyed the relationship between Jake and Kevin. Now, Jake hardly sees his family. He comes home from her house and goes straight upstairs to talk on the phone with her until he goes to bed. He isn't happy, but he won't leave.
She has him beat down...convinced that he isn't good enough, worthless, unwanted. Jake is the last person I ever thought this would happen to. Jake is beautiful...I mean, gorgeous. Everytime I show someone his picture, the first thing they say is how attractive he is an they immediately either want his number (if they are younger) or want to know if he is single (if they are older, for their daughters.) He was approached by Abercrombie to model...did he, no-she wouldn't let him.
He had a learning disability all through school and was always down on himself about that, and I think she has exposed this side of him more and made him believe that he isn't worth anything. It drives me crazy.
I sat and talked with my mom and stepdad for 3 hours last night about it. They are so concerned and at a loss of what to do anymore. They are afraid they are losing their son. I watched as my mom teared up and my stepdad (who I have NEVER seen cry) held back tears and choke up as he told me how scared he was.
Her family is crazy. Her mother is bipolar (literally) and the father has no backbone. Bridget is made to have no responsibilities and is given everything she wants whether the family can afford it or not. She believes that the world revolves around her. He older brother had 2 children and another on the way that he has nothing to do with. He had a dishonorable discharge from the navy and is a coke addict. He is a waste of breath. He thought it was funny to teach his oldest son to call his new dad, a black man, a nigger to his face. Nice guy, huh. Worthless. Her younger brother, who is 9, calls his mother a bitch on a daily basis and tried to stab her. What did the mother do? Nothing, just left the room crying. No punishment, no talk about it afterwards, nothing. Her mother thinks it is completely ok to have Jake listed as Bridget's emergency contact on her school card.
The way she dresses is beyond ridiculous. Low cut shirts with her breasts hanging out, teeny-tiny skirts that barely cover her ass. You can see the embarrassment on Jake's face. He talks about how mad he gets when they go out because guys comment about how slutty she looks. Does she change how she dresses to make him feel better...no, because she loves the attention. It doesn't help that I know she cheats on him. I have a list of boys names from a girl she goes to school with. It is sick. And what would Jake do to these boys if he found out? And can he understand that he will go to jail if he takes action against them? He is 19...they are under 18.

What scares me the most is that Jake doesn't see how messed up all this is. He doesn't see that she doesn't love him, she is just using him for money and because she can control him. He doesn't see that he is pushing his family away and hurting the ones that DO love him. He has lost all of his friends. He can't enjoy the things that he used to love in life. When he got a deer this year, he couldn't tell her for 3 days because he knew she would get mad because he went hunting when she was at school. Jake used to hunt every single day during hunting season...it is his passion. He is good at it but apparently now, he has to have a 16 year old's permission in order to do anything. It is just sick.
I don't know what to do about it. I can't stand to be around her. She is fake and I have caught her in too many lies to deal with her anymore. I hate how she treats my brother. I hate what this little girl is doing to my family and I worry about how much more worse it will get. I am truly scared that if they do break up, he will try to kill himself. I know he would. I don't question that at all. She has destroyed my brother and I hate her for it.
I wish terrible things for her, things that I can't say on here. I know it is wrong. But it would solve everything.
I wish she would just disappear. I wish Jake could see that he is worth more than the thoughts of a 16 year old girl. I wish. I wish. I wish.

2009-12-16T04:49:00.000-08:00

One of my best friend's from high school, Andy's, grandfather passed last night.
It is so sad. I went to several school dances with Andy and we always stopped by his grandma and grandpa's house for pictures before hand. They were the cutest couple in the world. He doted on her and she looked at him with so much love.
Every morning I drive by their house at 6:30am. Every morning I would see them sitting in their breakfast nook eating breakfast together. Seeing them there every morning gave me hope that love gets stronger every year that you are together. I joke with Andy that if I ever get a divorce, I am coming after him and we are going to be like his grandparents...but only if he makes me breakfast every morning...he is a chef.
I hate that she had to lose her husband right before Christmas. I hate that Andy lost his grandfather. I hate that I won't see them in the morning anymore.

Shifting weight

2009-12-08T09:03:00.001-08:00

I've lost 7lbs and more importantly 8" off my body so far. I am down a pant size and my bras are getting big. Thank God. I am into my groove at the gym and only miss one day per week which is my recovery day. My diet has much improved and I haven't fallen off the wagon and eaten an entire gallon of ice cream yet. I think this means I am doing it the right way. I have a nice balanced diet instead of denying myself everything. Kicking pop/soda/mountain dew was easier than expected as well. My new favorite drink...FUZE tropical punch or strawberry melon. No fat, 5 cal, no carbs, or sugars. They are tasty and good for you!

My husband, on the other hand, has managed to gain the weight I have lost. Since hitting the road, he has gained enough weight to make him go from a 32x34 to a 36x34...WTF!?! It doesn't bother me, I would love him no matter what he looked like. But he has never gained any weight. I am glad he gets to see how it feels for once. He has only been on the road twice...for a little over a week the first time and 5 days the second time. That is a lot of weight to gain in that little of time. I think he is seeing how active he normally is compared to sitting behind a steering wheel all day...and the Jared diet doesn't work when you are sedentarty...he proves this.

I made turkey burgers with gouda last night. Kevin wasn't such a fan...he likes his red meat. I do too, but I love turkey burgers...and the tomato basil bocca burgers...super yummy! I will ease those onto him...I see mutiny if I introduce them too quickly.

2009-12-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

Maple Twists... remind me of my Papa so much. As a child, I spent the night with my Momo and Papa every other Friday, altrenating with my brother, Tanner. Fridays were spent with Momo, doing her grocery shopping and having a private dinner with her followed by TGIF and 20/20. Saturday morning, you got to eat breakfast with Papa when he came in from his morning routine while you watched Saturday morning cartoons. We always had Maple Twists and coffee...well my coffee was more milk than coffee...but there was coffee in there so I blame my grandparents for my current addiction with the delicious beverage. We would sit with our maple twist and dunk it into our coffee. We didn't have to talk. We just sat together and ate...usually with him in his chair and me on the floor using the stool/mini-table that he made in high school. After we ate, he went back outside to do more work...never one to sit for very long. The smell of maple twists brings back so many memories. I broke down on wednesday and bought some. I know I shouldn't, but I wanted them and I am glad that I got them. It's crazy how something so trivial can bring back so many happy times.
Papa has since moved on to cream sticks from the local bakery...since he has gotten dentures, he just can't taste food like he used too, but he sure can taste the sugary sweetness of a cream stick. It is his main food staple now, but he is in such good health, no one cares (except for my diabetic grandma who can't have them and is jealous.) He may have moved on to cream sticks, but I will be forever in love with maple twists...and my Papa.

2009-11-30T09:12:00.000-08:00

Back from vacation...well rested, but not ready to be back. Are we ever really ready?
Thanksgiving was nice. Kevin and I decided to just go to the Steinbauer's...it is the last time we were all getting together at the old farmhouse since we are putting it up for auction in the spring. It was emotional. But nice.
Friday, Kevin and I lounged around all day. It was perfect. No black friday madness for me. No thanks.
Saturday I helped some of the aunts go through Grandma and Grandpa's house...we cleaned for 4 hours. We got the entire upstairs done...which was a feet. There were four bedrooms filled with junk, treasures, misplaced paperwork, and tons of other things. We got rid of a lot of trash and I came home with an old fur hat that Grandpa used to wear to church every sunday, one of grandma's old flashy purses, a Mary statue, and old survey maps of the area where our family farm was...it has Kevin and I's property on it, grandma and grandpa's, momo and papa's, and the original farm market. It's pretty cool and from 1956. I am going to have it framed. It was fun going through all the old things and watching my aunts laugh as they remembered times from the past. So many good times in that house. So many memories. It will be hard when it is gone...no longer in the family. The aunts were trying to convince me to buy it...they'd give us a good deal. We just can't do it...it requires so much work-but it has beautiful curves ceilings and perfect plaster walls. But no, it would be too much for us. The highlight of the day was when we found a "sex book" or what a Catholic would call a sex book. It was about how to teach your children about sex...the catholic way-aka, you will go to hell if you have premarital sex and that you must confess your impure thoughts to the priest. It was definitly interesting to read. It was a fun but sobering day.
Saturday and sunday were nice relaxing days. Just a little bit of cleaning and bringing in wood for the week.
But I am sooo not happy to be back at work. Oh well, such is life.

Wonderful Solitude

2009-11-18T08:31:00.001-08:00

I got a call from my husband this morning (who is in Boston delivering tons of carrots to a foodbank) saying that he missed me so much and wished he were home.
He asked if I missed him...while I do, I am enjoying being on my own for a few days. I didn't want to tell him this and hurt his feelings...he sounded so sad on the phone. I think we needed the time away from each other desprately. We have been up each other's butts for months now since he has been laid off. He gets bored and calls me at least 6 times per day at work and that just isn't cool with me. Plus, last weekend was rough. I need this vacation from him.
What I wanted to reply was, "If you miss me so much now, why were you such a dick on Friday night? Why did you torment me all day Saturday if you love me so much you can't stand to be away from me?" I try to let the past be the past so I didn't. Im just enjoying the time by myself, doing the things that I want to do...which has mainly been cleaning, working out, and eating right for once.
I get it, he's in a truck cab with one other person for hours on end each day. I get to go to work, go to the gym, go home and relax, and eat home cooked meals. He doesn't even have the luxury of a shower unless they stop at a truck stop equipped with one. BUT, he gets to see the countryside and go places that I have never been. I want to go to Boston so bad! We have a saying, "The Baston Dag goes Bak, Bak!" Because we are losers and love our animals, we think about how a Boston accent would sound on our dog. Yes, we are lame. But it is funny and has been a running joke for 2 years now. I want to see Boston, I want to see New York City, I want to see the country side down south when he drives to Florida later this week. I would love to see this all with him, but am loving my single life for the time being. I think its a good trade off.
Am I horrible for feeling this way? I don't think so. I think we need breaks away from the ones we love so that we appreciate them that much more. Why do you think your favorite aunts and uncles are the ones that live farthest away?! Because you appreciate when you do get to see them because of distance and make that time together worthwhile.
I refuse to feel guilty, and I refuse to act like a desparate housewife on the phone begging for her husband to return quickly.

Over the Top!

2009-11-17T09:06:00.001-08:00

Thanks to Brandi for passing this award on to me!

I have to answer the following questions with one word!

1.) Where is your cell phone? desk

2.)Your hair? Brown

3.) Your mother? Recovering

4.) Your father? Wonderful

5.) Favorite Food? Italian

6.) Your dream last nite? Naughty

7.) Your favorite drink? Coffee

8.) Your dream/goal? Travel

9.) What room are you in? Office

10.) Your hobby? Lifting

11.) Your fear? Spiders!

12.) Where do you want to be in 6 years? Manager

13.) Where were you last night? Fontanas

14.) Something that you aren't? Tired

15.) Muffins? Cinnamon

16.) Wish list item? car

17.) Where did you grow up? Bellevue

18.) Last thing you did? Eat

19.) What are you wearing? Scrubs

20.) Your tv? over-used

21.) Your pets? cute!

22.) Your friends? Amazing

23.) Your life? changing

24.) Your mood? Determined

25.)Missing someone? Yes

26.) Your vehicle? saturn

27.) Something your not wearing? Perfume

28.) Your favorite store? Macy's

29.) Favorite color? Depends

30.) When was the last time you laughed? today

31.) Last time you cried? saturday

32.) Your best friend? Beth

33.) One place that I go over and over? Google

34.) Facebook? yes

35.) Favorite place to eat? 3Birds

I pass this on to Lizzi and Grace!

2009-11-16T08:57:00.001-08:00

Im down 4lbs. It's a start and I am thrilled. I had to go to the Lorain store this morning and the first thing my boss said to me was "It looks like you've lost weight." Yes! So far my hard work has paid off and I am doing even more now. Working out twice a day on my days off from the restaurant and I went and invested in some protein bars, skim milk, chicken breasts, and tons of veggies. I need to change my lifestyle now before I become a 400lbs overweight person sporting a moo-moo with flowers. Not attractive. I have motivational things all over my house. My chalkboard that usually displays our dinner menu is now covered with my workout schedule for the week. My bathroom mirror is sporting my current weight on one side and my goal weight on the other-with a picture of me at my goal weight taped in the corner. My skinny jeans are on display in our bedroom and my favorite bra-that I haven't been able to wear for a long time-but can't get rid of, is placed on my dresser...begging to be worn. Im pumped, Im motivated, Im making changes!

Friday I went out with my girls for Beth's birhtday (23 years old-gag me please.) We went to a comedy club in Toledo and had sooooo much fun. The comedian (Chad Smith) tagged us at the table of hot girls-stating that we had every hot girl type available...The short one with short hair and super tiny (Beth) The short one with long hair and knockers that you could use as pillows (me) The country girl who isn't afraid to sport boots (Amanda) and the high maintenance girl (Misty.) We were used a lot during the show and he tried to get us to wait around afterwards to hang out with us. We had places to go though! We couldn't just wait around. It was great being involved in the show and we got some free drinks from him. Bonus! It was a great night. I love my girls.

I dropped Kevin off at the Turnpike last night. He is doing a truck route with a buddy for some extra cash. He will be gone til next monday and I think the break will do us good. Him not working has him up my ass all the time and I just can't handle that. Plus, sometimes its just nice to have the whole bed to yourself. Downside-I hate starting fires...Im not bad at it, I just hate it-and since that is how we heat our house, there is no way around it. Boo. He called me last night (8 hours after I dropped him off) to tell me that he already missed me. I miss him, but not that much yet. Im still in my, "yay! I get the house to myself" phase. He's in a small cab with a trucker...how much fun can that be. I am jealous that they got to go through NYC last night...so jealous. He said it was beautiful and finally agreed that we should go there for a long weekend. He's off to NC today and then Wisconsin then Michigan then Florida then home.

Dangerous Territory

2009-11-13T08:42:00.000-08:00

Im sitting here eating carrots. Steamed carrots and baked chicken. Thank God the chicken maintained it's flavor in the oven (Im a spicing genious.) My carrots are lacking. But they are good for me, so down the hatch they go.

My diet has improved tremendously. Probably because I am making an effort and actively watching what I am eating. I may start a food journal, but always found them too depressing.

I need to invest in some good protein bars and meal replacement bars. Special K actually makes a pretty tasty protein bar and they aren't too ridiculously expensive.

Kevin pooped out on me yesterday, already. He woke up with a headache...really?! C'mon! If I can't use that to get out of sex (I never would) he can't use it to get out of going to the gym. After asking him 3 times, I wasn't wasting my time anymore and took off without him. He later apologized and was ready to go this morning. But to rub it in his face just a little more, last night I did an extra set of abs on the livingroom floor followed by pushups before taking my nightly shower. Im determined, damn it.

I've been talking to my friend Kyle about lifting. He has gotten in tremendous shape over the past year and I was picking his brain for exercise ideas. He and I have been friends for a million years it seems-knowing each other since junior high and having the same after school job through high school. We are close, but sometimes, I think we push our limits on the friend issue. He is a flirt, I am a flirt. Sometimes that is ok. Other times it is not. He and I flirting is not ok...because sometimes I think we are a little more serious than we should be. It's dangerous, but oh so fun. He is in a serious relationship and he stood second in line at my wedding. I don't think either one of us would ever take things to that next level, but sometimes I wonder if it may happen eventually in a moment of weakness. It would be the worst scenario ever. I need to keep myself in check around him. Kevin already hates how close we are and how at parties Kyle and I talk all night. I don't think it's a jealousy thing because he trusts Kyle and I, but I think he knows that we are attracted to each other. Don't get me wrong, Im not the only culprit here, so don't go getting all on Team Kevin...Kevin does his fair share of flirting, which doesnt bother me at all-it makes me laugh actually. From our pictures at parties, you would think that we were all in different couples than what we actually are. That is how our entire group is. We get to the party and separate from our significant other for the evening-reuniting upon bedtime. Its what we do. New people to our group can never figure out who is married to who and it makes me laugh. The proof is in the pictures. Which are at the top of the page because my computer is stupid and won't let me move them.

2009-11-09T09:06:00.001-08:00

How I look now...not huge, but not svelt...

Me in my more svelt days a couple years ago...hoping to look this good again soon!!!

Kevin and I started back at the gym this morning...at 5am. I had had enough yesterday of excuses and whinning and said we are starting tomorrow...either start with me, or quit complaining. So this morning, we were both sweating our butts off by 5:15.

I was pretty disappointed that it only took 10 min on the eliptical to make me feel like a fat slob. Winded, I stretched and moved on to my strong point-lifting. This is Kevin's weak point. He can run forever and hardly break a sweat-bastard. We lifted chest this morning. My favortie. We did 6 exercises plus 2 super sets. Kevin decided to throw in another exercise while I was doing abs (he refuses to do abs) and I told him he would pay for the extra one. He called me at 10am to tell me he could barely move. He never listens to me...hello! I have a degree in sports med.

Tomorrow will be either shoulders or back...depends on if we can lift our arms over our head or not.

I am excited to get back in shape. I am excited at all the energy I have today thanks to the morning workout. I know that this time, I am truly motivated and will make a change. I have my favorite picture of me posted on our bathroom mirror for added motivation. I want to be able to wear a certain dress to new years...I have it hanging front and center in my closet. I am cutting back the amount that I eat, but have already found that working out in the am and having a healthy bowl of cereal curbed my hunger for a lot longer than not working out and a coffe with 2 breakfast burritos from McD's. Im not going to cut out all the bad things...just limit them to treats. Focusing on eating more green vegetables and leaner meats. Im doing it the way I used to do it, back in the days of me weighing 145lbs. The correct way, instead of taking all the yummy treats out all together, just limiting them to treats so I appreciate them more.

I am curious to see how long my husband stays on the path. He usually gives it his all for 3 weeks than gives up. I caught him checking out his mini man-boobs though this morning...he didn't seem pleased. I really hope he sticks with it. Not only will it motivate me more, but we will eat healthier if he is involved in the process.

All Hallow's eve!

2009-11-04T09:14:00.001-08:00

Lady Gaga and the samari finding out which is mightier...the sword or the disco stick

Making good use of his wig

Kevin's lovely dress (he looks better in it than I do!)

The devil stopped for a picture with Emily and I

Lady Gaga

We love dance parties!

I'm married to such a sexy lady!

Halloween. A time where you can dress up all slutty and get away with it, when men can dress in drag and they aren't the only one, and when you can pull those lovely items from your closet that you thought you could never wear again!

Bittersweet...

2009-11-04T09:05:00.000-08:00

My friend Tiffany, you know, my friend with the idiot husband, told me about 2 weeks ago that she is pregnant.

I've been sitting and thinking on this since then. I've come to the conclusion that all I can do is be happy for her. She wants a child so bad and has been trying to get pregnant for some time now. I am glad, for her, that she has finally become pregnant. It is all I can do. I know that she will be an amazing mother and even if he doesn't play a large role in the child's upbringing, the child will know that her mother loved her.

Im praying its a girl, by the way. For Tiffany's sake. If it is a boy-oh, good Lord-she will be out numbered and the world does not need a jon jr running around.

I am going to help her paint and put together her nursery once she finds out what she is having. I am throwing her a "friend's" baby shower and started a baby blanket for her. I am being the best friend that I am supposed to be, and praying that he straightens up once the baby arrives.

Our relationship has gotten better since my last blog about her. I called her and we talked things out. We aren't as close as we were before, but we are working on that. I am having the girls over for a brunch on sunday...I will be making a recipe out of my Top Chef cookbook and I am uber excited. I haven't seen my girls in forever and I miss them. Hoping we can start doing a bruch every sunday and then scrapbooking until we are exhausted.

I didn't think I would be as ok as I am with this pregnancy thing, but then I stepped back and looked at the fact that it isn't my choice. It isn't my life. And I know that this has made her the happiest woman in the world-therefore, I am happy too. We can't create perfect situations for the one's we love, but only help them to make the situations as perfect as they can be based on what they have to work with. If anything, she will have a kickass auntie!

Suprise!!!!**

2009-11-03T13:42:00.000-08:00

My friend just text me to let me know that she got two tickets for the New Moon midnight premier for Nov. 20th (or thursday evening in my book.) I was a.) shocked, b.) suprised, and c.) stunned! I am sooooo excited! I thought I was going to have to wait 3 weeks to get in to see it, but thanks to her, I get to see it the opening night! I was actually dancing at my desk when I got the text! She is simply the best!

2009-10-30T04:45:00.000-07:00

While working at my second job last night, at my friend's little Italian restaurant, two girls that I cheered with came in. The first one to show up was Katherine. She was my stunt partner for 4 years. We had a love/hate relationship in high school but we were always able to put aside our differences to be the best stunt group on the squad. She and I are cool now and talk everytime we see each other. We ran into each other at 5 different 5k's this summer and really reconnected. It was nice seeing her.
The second one to show up was Katy. Katy was a childhood friend. Our parents were really good friends in high school and our moms wanted us to be as close as they were. We always got along until our Junior year in high school. One morning, picture day actually, I walk into the school building at the beginning of school and find all the varsity cheerleaders standing at my locker waiting for me. Katy instantly starts screaming at me and accusing me of telling her mom that she and her boyfriend were having sex. All the other girls jumped in and started saying really nasty things. I was instantly crushed, embarrassed, and hurt. It was the only time I ever cried at school. I didn't know what they were basing this assumption off of. I would never dare call someone's mother and divulge that information...not my place. All the girls were talking the previous day about their sex lives...I didn't have one. I chose to stay a virgin because I knew I wasn't going to end up with any of the boys I dated in high school. So I must have been the one who told because I was different and thought differently than my peers. I seethed all day long, hoping I would calm down before practice after school. The glares in the hallways and being snubbed the entire day by people that were supposed to be my "friends" just made me more angry. At practice, I stretched in the corner by myself. I ignored the group that sat and made rude comments about me. My skin was tough as nails through that practice. I participated, but ignored everyone until the end of practice. Then, as I gathered my gear together to leave, I looked at the group standing there and said: I am not the one who told your mother you were having sex. Don't you realize that you were blabbing it in front of all the cheerleaders...including the freshmen-where you sister is a cheerleader as well? I will not take the blame and I will no be treated the way I was today because you feel too guilty to be able to tell you mom your damned self. I am not coming back to practice and participating with a group of self-centered, hypocritical, group of girls that think they are more righteous than me. You can all kiss my ass.
And then I left. It was the first time I had ever stood up for myself and it felt liberating.
Katy showed up on my doorstep that night. She apologized and said that she found out that her sister had told her mom. Not me. I calmly looked at her as she apologized and told her that I could never erase the feeling that I had had that day. That her apology wouldn't make up for the fact that I heard all day long how much the cheerleaders now hated me. Even though I had done nothing wrong, it would take a long time before I felt like a part of that team again-I never really did. I didn't allow myself to. I didn't want to associate myself with them outside of practice, games, and functions anymore. That is the day that I found out just how mean girls can be.

Looking at her last night, I still had that same feeling. I can tell that she knew exactly what I was feeling. I know that I am the bigger person. I know that I am not based on shallowness and assumptions. Even though I was the one serving last night, I was truly the bigger person.

Random Twelve

2009-10-29T09:12:00.000-07:00

1. Candy corn: your thoughts?

Totally gross. Never liked it. Picture it in old ladies pockets all melted together...gross.

2. Briefly, what was the first conversation you ever had with your significant other?

We worked at East of Chicago together over a summer. The first conversation was actually about a 4 wheeler he was looking at buying. I gave him my opinion because my family rides-even though I had no clue about anything but what color I prefered-it gave me an in to talk to the guy that I thought was cute, other than, "DELIVERY UP!"

3. Could you ever become a vegetarian?

Kevin and I do when we are short on cash for groceries. But not by choice. I grew up in a house where we had 1/2 steer in our freezer at most times and we ate almost everthing that we hunted. I love a good rare steak...I once grossed out an entire table of Heidelberg football players with how rare I asked for my steak to be cooked. It was delish.

4. Have you ever dressed up your pet in a costume?

Bully partakes in our ugly sweater parties each year. He isn't a fan of wearing the sweater/sweatshirt/or vest that we find him, but he puts on a happy face when the other dogs get there clad in their garish attire.

5. Name something about childhood that you miss (like Clark Bars, Teaberry Gum, Malibu Barbi, Cracking fake eggs on people's head with your fist and "It's The Great Pumpkin" airing only once a year.

I miss children being able to be children. Being able to get muddy and dirty and it was ok. Being able to catch local viruses from your daycare-and parents bringing their children around other children with chicken pox so all the kids could "just get it done and over with." I will never miss watching a child being rubbed down with hand sanitizer because they played with the toys at the doctor's office. Being able to eat candy cigarettes and not having people make tastless comments about it. They were my favorite candy growing up and I have never even tried a real cigarette, but boy could I make the candy ones look fabulous as I "smoked" them. I miss trips to Alabama to see my great grandma, I miss weekends on the boat with my dad. I miss playing with my cousins and sleepovers.

6. Have you ever won a trophy? If not, what do you deserve a trophy for?

I have won multiple cheerleading trophies, most inspirational coach, the citizenship award in 6th grade, The Mackenzie leadership award in band, a creative writing one in 7th grade, and the Student Employee of the Year and Lemke English Honorary award at Heidelberg. I have my name on a lot of plaques.

7. When do you think is the appropriate time to begin playing Christmas music each year?

Only when putting up Christmas decorations.

8. What is your favorite board game?

Trivial Pursuit!

9. How do you feel about suprises (receiving, not giving?)

Depends on the type of suprise-if its a good one, ok. If its "Hey, so and so is going to be here in 10 min and you need to clean the house yet" not so much

10. Is it easy for you to say "I'm sorry?"

Usually, yes.

11. What is your favorite candle scent?

Lime Basil or cotton/clean laundry smell

12. October is traditionally "open house" time in public schools. If you had a literal open house in your home (like a reception) what light snacks would you serve visitors and what would you show them (as in art projects, graded papers) that would uniquely represent you?

I would serve preztels with rolo's melted on top (yummy,) a cheese tray of all my favorite cheeses...some good red wine, maybe a dessert wine-like Ice wine, and my friends awesome recipe for a cheese ball with crackers.
I would have all my scrapbooks out on display and right now, our house is pretty much our art project..."please enjoy the unfinished drywall, subfloor, and bare ceilings..."

Good news

2009-10-28T12:43:00.001-07:00

Had my lovely dr.'s appointment with my favorite boy-friend that is allowed to be all up in my vagina. It went suprisingly well. I had a dream last night that everything turned out great and I think it carried into my real life. I went in and had a perfect blood pressue, pulse, and resp. rate...so basically I was calm for once, even though I knew painful things were about to happen.
The doc comes in, we joke around for a while about his rounds at the health center and the bad dreams he has after a day spent there (yuck-the stories are gross!) and then get down to business. He puts the scope in and the solution to "light up" the bad areas. He starts doing a lot of the "hmmm, hm, huh, hmm." Im all like, "What's going on in there?" Basically, the only bad area that lit up was a very small spot in the corner of the vaginal cuff (aka, where my cervix used to be.) He said it was too small to really biopsy and that it didn't appear to be dangerous in appearance. He was able to just place some acid on it (which kinda made me hot and nauseaus) and call it good. He was pleasantly suprised that it was such a small area. Very pleased.
So, I am back to my 6 month pap regimen and the doc is pretty sure I shouldnt have any problems for a while...hopefully! I was estatic with this news. I was so excited I gave him a hug...and then my drape fell and I was standing there in a scrub top, socks, and that's it hugging my doc...awwwwwkward! He laughed though and told me he was happy that it turned out to be nothing.

Weekend update

2009-10-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while since I posted, but I have been slammed at work. By slammed I mean, unable to take bathroom breaks because my phone won't stop ringing, orders won't stop coming, and job responsibilities won't stop being piled on me.
One of our best workers left last week. She moved on to another career in the legal field. I am excited for her, but miss her sorely! Basically, I have been handed a majority of her work load...on top of everything else I do. I feel like I am drowning daily. Today, I said, "screw it, Im taking my lunch-plus some from the rest of last week that I missed." I already feel better.
I also feel better because the vice-president came down and talked with me this morning to go over one of my new job responsibilities. She basically told me that I was being handed them because management knew that I would do the job just as well as Jackie did, if not better. She then complimented me on what a good worker I was and let me know how much she appreciated me, because I made her job easier. Wow. That's a compliment. I totally look up to her. She is here nightly til nearly 8pm and is here before anyone else. She lobbies frequently in washington and is president of a lot of different nationally based health care groups. She is a strong woman who is good at her job, but makes sure to let those around her know when they are doing well. I appreciate this compliment more than any yearly eval where my boss tells me I am doing great. It just means more coming from the VP's mouth. Not because of her job title, but because I respect her so much.
Saturday was my nephew, Turner's, birthday party. He turns 2 today! Happy birthday Turner! He is getting so big and before we know it, he will be at that stage where he doesn't want to be around family. I can clearly say that his favorite toy was the GIANT tonka dump truck. My momo did good. Tanner and Jen didn't look as thrilled at Turner did. It was hilarious watching him chase Jerry through the house and smash into the couches (ie: peoples legs.) He seemed much more interested in his presents this year as well (until the tonka was opened, that is.) His mommy also did a great job of cooking a delicious dinner. I have made the salad she made 2 times since the party. I am in love with it!
Sunday, I cleaned the house, went grocery shopping, and made a kickass dinner. Im talking, pulled out all the stops. Placemats and wine glasses and the good silverwear and everything! We invited 2 of Kevin's guy friend over that don't have girlfriends and never get a good home cooked meal (and cheesy-mac doesn't count.) I made a roasted chicken that was stuffed with onion and garlic, sour cream mashed potatoes, steamed green beans, a magnificent salad, homemade buttermilk cheddar biscuits, and a homemade apple tart that was to die for! I had no food left at the end of the night, aside from some apple tart. There were 15 biscuits and all of them were gone. The boys could not get enough of them. The 2 guests had 3 helpings of the tart as well and I ended up sending them home with some for their breakfasts. They were so appreciative and you could tell they really enjoyed the dinner, just as I did. I love cooking for friends, but I don't get enough time to do it. I wish I had taken a picture of the table loaded down and beautifully decorated. Next time.

Gasp

2009-10-23T12:01:00.000-07:00

I had THE. WORST. DREAM. EVER. last night. I was becoming paralyzed from the waist down. It wasn't like I was in an accident and it was instant (not that that would make it any better) but it was a slow, torturous process where I lost more and more function, muscle tone, and feeling each day. By the end of my dream I was in a wheelchair. I remember looking down at my limp, skinny, shriveled legs, wondering why this happened and what I was supposed to do about it. To make matters worse, Kevin was cheating on my with a cute little blonde and I could do nothing about it because I couldn't get to where he was in my wheelchair. I was completely helpless, at the top of a staircase, trying to find a way down. Seconds before I woke up, I began the descent down the stairs, trying to tip backwards to keep from tipping forward and out of the chair. A good looking, athletic man (who gave me the wheelchair) grabbed the back of my chair and helped me down. Halfway down the stairs, I woke up.
I pray to God that I never lose function of any part of my body like that. It was enough torture in the dream and I am still creeped out by it now that I am awake and my legs are moving normally. Horrible. Absolutely horrible.

Urbanity...in my future

2009-10-22T04:55:00.001-07:00

I have decided that this spring...maybe sooner, I will be starting an Urbanity blog just like Lora, Blackbelt, and MJ. It will be of Bellevue and the lovely little surrounding towns like Castalia, Clyde, Attica, Tiffin, and Sandusky (our BIG city.) It will show the beautiful side of these towns but also some of the craziness that you see-aka white trashy-type stuff. Because we all know just how funny 48 cars in your front yard looks. I am excited to show you my small little world and how wonderful and horrible it can be. More to come...

Hoot, who, Hoot

2009-10-21T09:35:00.000-07:00

My first owl purchase...

My second owl purchase... his name is Otie (pronounced O-T)

My cat that likes to mimic being an owl.

I have had an obsession with owls recently. I didn't realize I had an obsession until my husband pointed it out. If I see an owl figure, stamp, card, stuffed animal, necklas...I want it. I don't know why. I have always like owls. Ever since my step dad found a dead barn owl when I was little. I thought is was cute, even when it was dead. I have never seen an owl in person while it was alive, other than at animal demonstrations or zoos. They say it is bad luck to see an owl during the day. I hear them around my house all the time. Out in the woods. They are even more prevelant at my Momo and Papa's house. I remember listening to them as I would fall asleep as a child. They were comforting with their soft, muffled, "whooo's."

I don't know what this resurgance is about. But I am glad that the shops are accomodating to my tastes for once. Otie is really heavy. He is made out of carved stone and as soon as I saw him, I knew that I had to have him. The halloween owl, pudgy owl, as Kevin likes to call him, came from a local craft store that sells really cool things that are way out of my price range. I loved him when I saw him and was even more excited when it was inexpensive. His brother was beckoning to me as well, but I had to leave him at the shop.

I have an old owl necklas that was my grandma's from the late 60's. It is made out of sterling silver and jade. It is really pretty, but very large. I am not a large jewelry person, but I am contemplating putting him on a new chain that is less cumbersome so that I could wear him with a simple outfit. We shall see.

Still, isn't it strange that I suddenly feel the need to purchase owls to decorate my home?! Weird...

2009-10-19T06:59:00.000-07:00

Tickle monster!

April loved the fur coat my aunt gave me. She was running around pretending to be a bear.

Attacking Uncle Pumpkin head

Emma loves bully...she wants a bully puppy...

Emma and April, Kevin and I's nieces, came and spent Sunday afternoon with us. We had a great time with them and I already miss them!

We started out by going to get pumpkins...of course, they pick the largest ones that they could find...except for my short, squat, round one. We went to the farm market that Kevin and I shop at to get them. The owner, Todd, absolutely loved the girls. He and his wife can't have children either, and they spoil the crap out of their niece and nephew as well. He gave them free old-timey candy and apples. He talked to them for a long time about how cool they are that they get to grow up on a dairy farm. They didn't find the same enthusiasm that Todd did, but one day they will realize how special they are....the fact that they probably work harder than most adults do and they are 7 and 8 years old, that they have seen a calf being birthed, that they know where milk really comes from, and that they get to do cool things that city kids just don't get to do. They appreciated the apples and the wax bottles filled with sugary-sweet goodness. Kevin earned his new nick-name at the pumpkin patch, Unlce Pumkin-head. He was cutting firewood, so we put his pumpkin in the front seat of the car with me so that he could be a part of the fun.

After picking out pumpkins I took the girls to lunch and then to go see "Where The Wild Things Are." It was a cute movie, but definitly more for adults than children. There were a lot of underlying themes. It was kind of sad too, but still very good. It was sad enough to make both girls start crying and by the end of the movie, they were both cuddled up on my lap, clinging to me for dear life. They seemed to really like the movie and talked non-stop about it all the way home.

When we got home, Kevin was back from cutting and he played around with the girls. They love to wrestle and lots of screaming, giggling, running, jumping, and more laughing ensued. It is funny, because April, the younger one, is just like Kevin. Adventerous, dare-devil, smart-mouthed, cuddly, and bull-headed. While Emma, is just like her mom. Calm, mature, loving, caring, more cautious, and the care-taker. It's like watching Kevin and Erinn all over again. It's quite funny. Kevin was pleased when I pointed out the similarities and we both agreed that April would be the trouble maker, handful when she got older. She will definitly test her parent's nerves.

We had a blast with them, but man do they wear you out! They go non-stop all day! Play, jump, piggy-back-ride, tickle, giggle, cuddle, hug, "swing-me!," hop, tackle, laugh, pony ride, cat chase, dog cuddle, "paint my nails," twirl, squeal. All day, non-stop. I miss them already.

What a week!

2009-10-16T13:26:00.000-07:00

I am soooo ready for the weekend!
The transition to Sandusky went smoothly. For the most part. There are still a few glitches that we need to work out, but I am so much happier at my new location. I love the women that are in my area. They are laid back, have a sense of humor, and take everything in stride. Plus they get it when you are busy and just need to be left alone to hunker down and make it through your pile of crap.
I got some disappointing news at the OB/GYN's on wednesday. Pap came back abnormal....again. I get to start the whole biopsy rounds again, but there is hope that it could be nothing. Fun part was when my mom told my brother, who in turn told my father, who in turn told 2 of his close friends that I grew up with, that I was having surgery the 28th and starting chemo right away...still trying to figure out where she got that from. I think she just thrives on drama and wanted some attention thrown in her direction. Like I don't have enough stress to deal with...give me 45 calls where I have to calm down friends and family members. My dad called me and sounded pretty upset-was ready to take the day of my "surgery" off and any other time that I thought would be helpful. He laughed when I said I was having my "surgery" on my lunch break and going back to work afterwards. Thanks mom...I love drama!

Kevin and I get our nieces for the weekend. I am so excited about this. We are going to do girly night sleepover style stuff....like painting our nails and playing with hair and makeup and of course, going to see "Where The Wild Things Are." So pumped!
I just have to make it through a half hour more here and then 4 hours at my other job tonight...the joys of multiple jobs-going from one to the other. Oh well, it pays the bills better than one job.
On a high note, Kevin has sold 22 cords of wood (4ft x 4ft x 8ft.) It is helping a lot with bills and him being laid off. Plus it gives him something to do during the day so he doesn't get depressed that he isn't working. Still waiting on the grant response, but I am hopeful.
Kevin came and took me to lunch today. It was a nice suprise. He had Bully with him. I wanted to take him back to work with me, but figured the boss would frown upon this. Don't think she would view it as "take your son to work day." Even though he is currently our son.
Kevin and I are going to start putting money back into a savings account and then eventually into CD's...just in case we decide that we do want to adopt in the future. If we decide not to, we have a good chunk of change to either do major renovation work on the house, pay off some major bills, or go on a kick-ass vacation. All in all, it is a good thing to do. Plus, if we do decide we want a child, we will have the means to do so.
Hope you all have a great weekend. I am hoping to!

Anniversary night!

2009-10-14T05:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday ended up being a pretty great day. Work was calm and I got a lot done. Around 2pm, I was told the girls downstairs needed me. I walk downstairs and find a bouquet of roses from Kevin. All the girls were jealous and that made my day. It is only the 3rd time Kevin has ever gotten me flowers. In the spring he will pick me a couple tulips out of my tulip garden, but for him to go out and buy me flowers...that's a big deal. They are gracing my office and look stunning. Women walk by all day, swoop in, and take a wiff of their delicious smell. It makes me feel special.
I get home from work, get cleaned up, and Kevin takes us to dinner at Damon's. Thank God they have an ATM because Kevin forgot his wallet. This is true Kevin fashion-he doesn't do it on purpose, he just always assumes it is in his truck, when in reality it is in the back pocket of his work pants on the mudroom floor. This happened 5 years ago, before I had an ATM card and I got stuck sitting at the same restaurant, on a busy Friday night, for an hour by myself reading the newspaper and sipping coffee while he ran back to our home to get his wallet...an hour, by myself, on a busy Friday night. I got multiple offers of people to take me home. Majorly embarrassing, but its a funny story we can tell now. The one waiter still remembers it. He was our waiter last night. He laughed. Our dinner was wonderful though. We both splurged on steaks and they were delicious. I love their salads and kevin loves their rolls. We love just sitting in the booth, looking out over the water, watching the sunset. The Damon's in Sandusky is right on the water, at Battery Park Marina, looking over the Sandusky Bay and Cedar Point. It is actually very pretty.
We sat and talked in the booth for a long time and reminisced about our wedding day and how much fun we had. We told stories about getting ready-he definitly had more fun shooting pumkins and drinking with the boys. We laughed about the dog running to my grandparent's house because he was afraid of the loud noises made by the guns. We laughed about his sister running off to go do shots of blackberry brandy with the boys and how the photographer was becoming distraut because she kept taking off. His sister is hilarious. We talked about the night of our wedding. How we had attempted to make love, but fell asleep instead. He crawled up on me, I gave him the look that said "really?" and he laughed and agreed and rolled over and fell asleep instead. We were both completely fine with that. It had been a long day, we were both drunk, and more than ready for nighty-night. We wished we were back in Cape Cod on our honeymoon. We talked about our favorite places there, Fairway Pizza, The Purple Feather, the beaches. The gay bar that we walked into in Provincetown and Kevin didn't realize it was a gay bar...even with the Macho Night poster on the door. It was an awesome bar though. I just happened to be the only girl there...and had to use the boys bathroom.
All in all, it was a wonderful evening. We capped off our dinner with cuddling on the couch with our pup. In my opinion, it was the perfect evening. Kevin did well.

Anniversary

2009-10-13T07:45:00.000-07:00

Today is Kevin and I's 2 year wedding anniversary. Hard to believe. We have been together almost 10 years now. Time flies.

We've certainly had our share of up's and down's but have so far managed to come out ok. We have been through more in our 10 year relationship than most go through in a lifetime. We have survived things that have crushed others. It makes me feel thankful that we both try so hard, even though at times I feel like I am the only one trying. We fight for our love. We don't easily give up. We are both stubborn and sometimes, that is what saves our marriage. We have both evolved a lot over the years, both sacrificed dreams to create new ones. I think we are a great fit though. We get each other when other's don't. We both wish the other did things differently sometimes, but for the most part we are very happy with each other.

Kevin informed me that this year he is taking care of all the anniversary plans. This scares me a little. Kevin isn't the most romantic guy in the world...he doesn't see the point in flowers, he thinks jewelery is a waste of money, and doesn't get that sometimes a girl just wants to be pampered. Last year, I had our good friend, who owns a restaurant-and happened to be our best man-help me out. He has a private room in his restaurant and I recreated our wedding in that room. I had our centerpiece from the tables, some of the same decorations, and one of our favorite meals cooked for us. I even pulled out our miniature wedding cake from the freezer to thaw so that we could cut it again-it tasted horrible and we laughed as we both choked down the dry bits of cake in our mouth. It was romantic and cute and Kevin loved it. He said he felt like a dirt bag because he didn't do anything for it...not even a card. I know he cares though. (Im telling you, least romantic man on the planet-but he cares and he shows it in little ways, like drawing pictures on my back-something my papa did-to help me fall asleep at night. Warming my side of the bed for me before I get in. Little things that mean so much) I am super curious to see what he has planned tonight. I am still secretly hoping for a suprise bouquet of flowers at work, but Im not holding my breath.

I am still super happy with the decision I made to marry him. I may not show it everyday, but he is the man that I love more than anything on this earth and he makes me so very happy.

Back home...

2009-10-12T09:17:00.001-07:00

Well, I am all set up in my new office in Sandusky. It is so nice to be back. Soooo nice. I love how all the smiling faces walk by and welcome me back and tell me how happy they are to have my smiling face here. I love that my boss was here in the morning for a meeting, stopped by to complain about me not being there, and left. I love the quiet. I love the fact that I have already been able to get caught up because Im not being interupted by patient's walking into my office in the "employee only area." I loved my 10 min. drive. I love the fact that I can go home for lunch if I choose to. There are just so many things that make me happy about this move. I get to stay with the company that I like but be closer to home.
I guess my co-workers in Lorain aren't so happy, but I figure that they will eventually get over this. Becky called me at 10am saying that she misses me. I miss her too, but she is pretty much the only one. As sad as that sounds. The people in Sandusky are just so much nicer. So much happier. So much more positive than those in Lorain. And let me tell you, the negativity in Lorain was really getting to me. I was becoming an unhappy person, and anyone that knows me knows that that is not true.
I like that I can go to doctor's appointments on my lunch. I like that I can get together with my girlfriend that works down the road for lunch. I like that Kevin can suprise me with lunch now like he did when I was at the hospital.
I especially like that I can make it home by 5:20...and that's WITH traffic. With traffic from Lorain, 6:30...big difference there. HUGE.
Ah, it is good to be back home.

Moving day!

2009-10-09T04:55:00.000-07:00

It's moving day at my office. I got the official go ahead to transfer to Sandusky on Monday. I have brought in all my milk crates to move all my files, binders, and supplies. I'm pretty stoked. I am looking forward to my 10 min drive. I am looking forward to the fact that I will be spending $15 a week in gas instead of $40. I'm trying to figure out how to spend the extra cash...probably bills, but I will most definitly get myself a treat like a new purse...purses are hard for me to spend money on. I use them till they fall apart. It's the only item I am really frugal on, yet I collect antique purses...do the math. Im crazy.
I plan on still getting up at the same time, but actually get to work out before work, saving on the chance that I will talk myself out of going to the gym after work. I think it is a good plan. Now that Kevin is off work as well, he is going to go with me. I always workout better when I have a partner and we can keep each other motivated and accountable for our actions. I figure we can start the P90X program again. My gym is set up with an area to do this is, so that is really nice. Plus then I don't have to go out and buy a second pull up bar and try to figure out where I can hang it in my home.
All in all, I think the move to Sandusky will make a huge change for me...more time for myself+more physical activity=a happier Haley.

School of not-so-hard knocks

2009-10-08T09:23:00.000-07:00

Kevin has been laid off now for about a month. Yesterday he had to go to job and family services for a group meeting. He was not thrilled about it...actually, he was furious that he had to go. Judging by the "worksheets" they were having him fill out, it looked like it was going to be a boring day. He calls me at 4pm yesterday and said the first 5 hours were horrible. Trapped in a room with a bunch of deadbeats who you can tell are living off the system, going over how to fill out an application for hours and what a resume should look like and how to dress appropriately for an interview. He went to a tech school...they had a whole class on this. I had a college professor that taught me everything about how to make a perfect resume...believe me, our resumes are kickass. So this portion was torture for him. It didn't help that he got stuck sitting next to someone that was making comments the entire time about how he doesn't ever plan on getting a job cause his "ancestors worked enough fo' him." No shit. I would have lost my temper...I don't know how Kevin didn't.
The only bright side out of this meeting was when he finally got to sit down with his case worker. She reviewed his resume and of course was impressed. Kevin is a damn hard worker. He is skilled and self-driven. It is driving him nuts that no where is hiring in this area right now. He cuts wood daily to sell and is doing lots of outdoor and indoor projects at our house. One thing I can say is he is not lazy and when it comes to hands on stuff, he can master just about anything. Well his case manager noticed this to and is applying him for a grant to go to a local community college to get his welding certificate and any other trade skills that he wants. Bonus! She is also putting his name into some type of government program that matches well qualified candidates with jobs with companies that do a lot of government contracts. One of them just happens to be at a quarry that he has wanted to work at since he was a kid. She is also going to look into ways for him to apply for a job with catapillar as a traveling service mechanic for the company...his true dream job.
So it turned out that the meeting wasn't a complete waste of his time and I have never heard him more excited. He is meeting with her again today to fill out all the grant paperwork. I hope that he is able to gain a lot of education from this little set back. I hope that he also finds a company to work for that truly appreciates his great work ethic, can-do attitude, and talents. I hope he finally finds his niche and feels like he is doing something worthwhile. He needs that. It is also nice that the government does have programs like this for individuals who really want to work, who really want to succeed, and really want to make this country a better place.
Kevin looks up to the WWII generation, always stating that there will never be another generation of hard working, dedicated, united Americans like that again. I truly believe he belonged in that time period...

Check this out...

2009-10-08T06:09:00.000-07:00

Check out this clip from Oprah's website...
I don't know if you follow NieNie or not, but I love reading her blog. She gives me hope and makes me realize that sometimes my problems aren't as big as they could be. I always leave her blog feeling thankful.

Bridging, mending, hoping

2009-10-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

My nieces, Emma and April, are back in town from MO. They are here for the rest of the month of October and I am uber excited.
I am excited because next week we are taking them to see "Where The Wild Things Are," which I am super excited about anyways because it has been one of my favorite books since childhood. I am also excited because it is Emma and April's favorite book. I have a kids bookshelf at the top of my stairs and it is the first place they go when they get to my house. The first book grabbed is always WTWTR. I guess Emma has been talking about the movie since she first saw the preview. She is a little tomboy and reminds me of Max in a way, so I am sure she will connect the with movie the most.
We are also planning on taking the girls to the circus. Barnum and Bailey will be in town at the end of the month. It will be my first real circus (aside from the circuses that are set up in grocery store parking lots.) We are hoping to find out what route the train is taking to take the girls to see the train roll in with all the animals and super fancy cars. I saw it once as a child pass through Bellevue. It was amazing! I want them to have that same experience.
I am kind of hoping that the girls being in town sans mom will make Kevin have to talk to his mother. He has not talked to her in over 3 1/2 years now. He had a huge falling out with his father (I don't blame him) but it cost him his relationship with his mother...basically because it puts her in a potentially dangerous situtation if his dad knows that Judy is talking to Kevin...Kevin's father is abusive but kevin's mother will not leave him...even though both of her children have offered her a place to stay, for free-and his dad has no clue where we live. Its a sad situation, but I am hoping that when I call Judy to set up a time to get the kids, I can pass the phone off to Kevin and they can actually talk. Im hoping. Fingers crossed.
Kevin has pent up anger about his mother. He feels like she chose her husband over her child, but he can't see the position she is in. A long time abused woman doesn't always have the strength to leave a husband, even if she has an out. He can't look at it from that point of view. He just thinks she is weak. He can't see that she loves him and is praying for that one day when she wakes up and her husband is different. She still has that hope. That is what she told me when I asked her to come stay with me. She looked me in the eyes, with tears brimming and said, "I can't leave him yet. I still believe he can change. He loves me, he is just sick. I can't give up on him yet." It broke my heart and infuriated me, but now I understand. Kind of. Im just hoping that Kevin is able to reconnect with his mother before it is too late and he doesn't have the choice.
I am hoping Emma and April can be that bridge without even knowing it. I love when April comes over and puts her hands on her hips, furrows her brows, and says to kevin, "Grandma's mad at you! You better call her! She said you hurt her feelings!" I love how a child's innocent words can speak volumes. Kevin cried in front of me about his mother that night. Those girls make him see what he is missing. They make him see that maybe he needs to make that first step.
I have always contacted Judy at work. I don't dare call her at home, for fear that his father would answer...there is still a lot of hate there. I don't think I could even hold back my words. I said my peace to him the day that we moved out, but he can open wounds with small attacking words. Plus, Judy can be herself at work and not have to mask who she is talking to, plus she can keep secret the fact that she is talking to me. I hate that it has to be that way, but I will hold onto the fringe of a relationship that we have left that way until it can be more again. I know that someday we will be able to sit and drink coffee and talk for hours again. I just don't know when that day will be. I miss her so much.

random musings and thoughts

2009-10-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

Im sitting at my desk at lunch, being a good girl, eating a turkey sandwich, 1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese, and a yummy red delicious apple...my favorite (I can eat a whole bag in one sitting if I want to...I blame it on the fact that I grew up with a farm market in my family and the best apples around) Anyways, Im feeling stagnant again and I hate it. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I was laid up for a week, unable to do anything and I went straight back to work with no "fun" day between the two. Or it could be the fact that my boss is actually mad that I missed a week of work because I had emergency surgery and it's making me want to bitch slap her and scream, "PEOPLE HAVE EMERGENCIES, GET OVER IT!" Or it could be this undying feeling that I want to go back to school but can't seem to find a program that I like that fits into my schedule and budget. Arg. Im trying to stay positive on this one, it's just that all the local colleges around here that offer weekend classes suck ass and have stupid programs. Eventually I will break down and take up evening and weekend jobs and go back to school fulltime...money just won't let me right now....that and the fact that I need health insurance.

Oh my God, this apple is delish! I want about 6 more. now. I left the rest at home for a reason. Did you know that apples have an addictive substance in their peel? That is why you crave more after you have had one. I know people that have quit smoking by exchanging cigarettes for apples. That's pretty cool. And healthy.

My sister in law has made me have a craving to change my hair. It is getting way long again. I think I want to go short again, but hate all the work that comes with it. But I want something different.

My husband has been hanging out with a 19 year old kid that he used to work with. He's nice and all, but I can only handle so many sexual remarks in one day...he reaches my limit within 15 min. He can turn anything you say into a sexual inuendo. It pisses me off, but makes me laugh at the same time. He is so not a suave guy. He needs to turn on his filter and not say everything that pops in his head...like, "she can ride my meatstick." as I flip past a chick on dancing with the stars, or "I'll give you something to dip your apple in" as I walk into my living room with sliced apples and caramel dip. really. he said that last night. That's when I yelled that I am a girl to him and told him not to talk to me that way, especially in my house...that it was disrespectful. Kevin just laughed. And then asks me 10 seconds later to hook him up with my hot cousin. That got a big laugh out of me. Dork. Yeah right. Then he assures me that he can be a perfect gentleman when he wants to. I informed him that he needs to be one to me because, hey, Im a chick. I don't want to be talked to like Im another guy in the room all the time.

I talked to Kevin about possibly doing the half marathon in Akron like Tanner and Jen did this year, next year. He is all for it. We are going to start training as soon as I am healed up enough to start running again. I think it would be awesome to eventually do a full marathon. We will see what happens.

Alive and kicking...

2009-10-05T04:58:00.000-07:00

I had quite a tumultuous weekend last week. After feeling shitty the entire weekend and finally sick of dealing with the pain. I called my doc on sunday and asked him what I should do. My pain we out of control. I couldn't get comfortable and it felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly. The pain had be vomitting and dry heaving to the point where I broke every blood vessel in my face. I was pretty. He said that my pain wasn't in line with ovarian cysts and that I needed to get to the ER.
I get there. They immediatly take me back to a room...they being a guy that I graduated with that was voted best looking on senior day...he just looked at me and said, "wow, you look horrible." I said thanks.
Dilaudid...doesn't touch my pain. By the time my doctor is finally called in, after suffering through an abdominal x-ray, then CT scan where I could barely keep my legs straight, my pain is out of control again. I am crying, moaning, and unable to lay still on my bed. My doc walks in, looks at the ER doc and asks why my pain isn't under control. He immediately calls for the nurse to give me demerol now. I was quite happy after my shot of demerol...finally the pain was under control. All my tests came back negative except for the cyst on my left ovary that we already knew about. My doc was convinced there was something else going on. Off to emergency surgery I go.
They found that I had ovarian torsion...that is, my ovary was strangling itself. It had literally tied the ligament/tube that held it in place in a knot and would allow blood flow in, but not back out so the blood that was in the ovary would eventually die and become stagnant. My body was being poisoned by my angry ovary. This is why I have been so sick lately with nausea, vomitting, and diarrhea. My body was trying to tell me that it was bad. So, basically, I got my wish. The doctor removed my angry ovary and I have a lovely incision to prove it. I am excited to get back on the road to recovery and eventually be able to do a sit up again...still struggling with that one!
I am hoping to not have anymore suprises with my lady parts for a long, long time. I think I have had my fair share for this year...it is someone elses turn. Any takers?

2009-09-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

My best friend's little brother, Daniel, just posted on his facebook page that he loves older women. He is in the navy and is the same age as my little brother, joe...21-22. I ask him what he means by older women. He comes back with...you know, your age and up to 40. Im 28. I can understand this. Older women appreciate good looking young men with hard bodies and even harder manhoods that are ready to go at any time. Young women their age are idiots and dont realize what their hot bodied men are going to turn into in 10 years when they are married...

I kick myself on a daily basis for not hooking up with a guy that is Joe's age that asked me out when he was 17 (4 days shy of 18) and I was 24. He is gorgeous. The hottest body ever. Seriously. I am dumb. Even if we just made out. Damn it. What was I thinking. I told Daniel this...he just laughs. "yeah, he was smitten with you." Damn it! Why God, why!?!?!

Yeah, I know, its a douchey picture, but if I had this body I would be displaying it everywhere as well...yummy. Again, I am an idiot for passing this up. But at that age, I was all hot bodied myself thinking I could get me an older man that would appreciate me...not so much. DAMN IT!!!!

2009-09-25T04:56:00.000-07:00

Free falling in an airplane, being chased by alligators at a flooded gas station, and my ex boyfriend all in one dream...why do I even try to figure out what they mean? I can still feel my stomach in my mouth from the free fall...it actually woke me up...crazy.

Happy Friday. It's been a long week. My boss has been in a mood. Today is our marketing girls last day. She is super nice and has worked for the company for a long time. We are truly losing a great employee. My boss is still moody about it. That and the fact that Im moving to Sandusky..hopefully next week. Im more than ready...she keeps dragging her feet about it now. Ive been up her butt about it. Im ready for the weekend and to get away from her moodiness.

An accident happened right in front of me on Rt. 2 this am. It scared the bejesus out of me. I had to slam on my breaks to keep from missing the guy. He was in the westbound lane, lost control, went fishtailing into the median and then across my lane of traffic into the trees. I reacted calmly at the time of the accident, but after I got off the phone calling 911, I started shaking and had to pull over to calm myself. I can't wait til I don't have to travel that road anymore...lots of accidents on it...all the time...people driving too fast, not paying attention and a lot of semi traffice.

I copped out on the pot luck today. I usually bring really great quiches or breakfast casseroles. I brought donuts and bagels...take it or leave it.

Dinner with the fam tonight for my mom's birthday. Im excited to actually get to go out to eat...it has been a long time thanks to our decreased funds.

Have a great friday!

Adventures at the OB/GYN

2009-09-24T04:56:00.000-07:00

I had my appointment with Dr. Visci yesterday. He did my first 6 month pap since my hysto and we talked about my ovarian cyst, aka angry ovary. We are doing another ultrasound this coming tuesday to assess how large it is, or if it has ruptured, and then discussing my options then. We are either going to go in and fish out the bad one, if the cyst is still there and large, or going to try to control them with birth control. He is fairly convinced that it ruptured, since he couldn't feel it when the ER doc could the other night, but wants to make sure it didn't just rotate around, since my ovaries are now "free balling." That is, they aren't attached to anything and they just kinda float around. I am hopeful that they can be controlled with birth control.

It never fails that idiots are in the waiting room while I am in the waiting room at my OB/GYN. I love how everyone assumes that you are there to try to have a baby if you have a ring on your finger. I had one woman come up to me, who must have seen me at many of my other appointments, and actually say, "Don't worry, it took me and my husband 3 years to finally get pregnant, but I have faith and you will be just as lucky." Really. I look at her and then say, "Honey, I had a hysto, I had cancer." She turned red and walked away. Who are you to approach me and give me words of encouragement when you don't know me?! Its not like I am reading all the parenting magazines, crying at the pictures of babies...Im the chick with the ONE car magazine in the place, or reading one of my books. Give me a break! I don't cry at the sight of a pregnant woman, wishing it were me.

Then, as I'm trying to get back into my book, a mother and daughter duo take up residence in chairs across from me, as in 2 ft across from me. The girl was MAYBE 14. She was all excited to FINALLY be put on birth control. Sick. If this wasn't enough, she starts bitching because her mom didn't get her the diamond encrusted bead for her pandora bracelet for her birthday. Gag. This ellicited a dirty look from me. As in, could you bitch quieter please...Im trying to read my book. Look goes unnoticed by girl, but very noticed by mother who tells daughter to keep it down. Next subject brought up by little girl, "Why can't my boyfriend spend the night?" Her reasoning...you know we are already doing it, so just let us do it. Im old enough... Again, dirty look from me, or one more of disgust. She went on for over 20 minutes about this. The entire staff behind the counter were making faces with looks of disgust...several people had moved farther away, and the mother was slouched down in her chair, embarrased. Finally, after I couldn't take her shrieking any longer, I look up, and firmly say, "could you please show a little more respect for your mother? and please keep it down?" The daughter responds, "why don't you show ME some respect, what's it to you." I respond, "well, its obvious that you don't have respect for anyone, considering that the entire office has moved away from your loud mouth and you are embarrasing your mother, so I think that it shows that I have more respect for your mother than you do. And if your going to voice your personal business in a quiet office, your making it EVERYBODY'S business and frankly Im sick of hearing you." That shut her up. A couple of the office girls actually started applauding and saying things like, "bout time somebody shut her up." The girl sat glaring at me for the next 10 min as I calmly read my book. When my name was finally called, I just stood up, smiled at her, and told her mom good luck. The office girls in the back were all laughing and coming over to tell me that they wished that they could have said something to the girl. I don't like being a bitch, but a half an hour of straight bitch talk from a little girl is not something that I handle well, especially when it is directly affecting me.
But seriously, I want, just one time, to go to this office and not have to deal with bullshit from other patients. Is that too much to ask?!

Pampered pooch

2009-09-23T09:21:00.001-07:00

Do you think he's spoiled?
My dog thinks he's a person and is entitled to the couch AND a pillow. He will sigh and huff and puff when you tell him to get down so that YOU, a person, can sit on the couch. It's too funny.

Fall is in the air...

2009-09-22T09:36:00.000-07:00

Well, not this morning. It is super muggy here. We have the AC back on at work and all fans going full blast.

However, this weekend, I got all my fall decorations out and pulled some old ones to sell in the next garage sale.

Fall is my favorite time of year. Fall is the season of my wedding vows. Fall will always bring back great memories from high school football games...games where it was comfy to wear our cheerleading skirts and our turtlenecks underneath our shells. Perfect cheering weather. Fall brings out a comfort that no other season can. It is perfectly acceptable to wear shorts and a sweatshirt. Fall nights give you a reason to have a bonfire and sit in the company of good friends doing absolutly nothing. Fall is orange, red, yellow, and burgandy.

Fall is when I make my yearly journey back to Heidelberg to gaze at two of my favorite things...1.) a patch of road on 101 that is completely enclosed by trees that turn brilliant shades of purple, red, and burgandy. It makes you feel like you are driving through the stained glass of St. Chapelle. The light filters through the trees the same way it does through these windows...

2.) the ginko tree located in front of the science hall. The lovely fan shaped leaves fall to the ground creating a golden carpet. One of my favorite teachers taught biology and made it a point to teach one class under that tree, on the golden floor...not much teaching was done on these days, but appreciation of the beauty around us was soaked in.

2009-09-21T06:16:00.001-07:00

Im going to call the doctor today and tell him he needs to schedule me to have my "angry" ovary removed. I can't handle it any longer. Ive been in constant pain for over a week now. Im frustrated. Im nauseaus all the time. I haven't eaten a regular meal (and kept it down) for over a week. and now, to boot, I am constipated. I chugged half a bottle of mag citrate last night and broke down and gave myself a suppository. It has never felt so great to have liquid poop in my life. (I know, too much info, but hey, thats what you are here for.) I know my doctors all like "I want you to keep your ovaries as long as possible" but damn it...you try living like this! It isn't living. It is making it through the time between when you can be on the couch or in bed...that hour drive is killing me. Even though Im constipated, I feel the need to sit for ridiculously long periods of time on the toilet praying to poop. Praying to keep my lunch from coming back out my mouth. Praying for the pain in my left lower quadrant to stop for 5 damn minutes. I can't live on darvocet. I can't drive with it. I can't stay awake with it. I can't always keep it in my belly. Im sick of the nasty looks my boss gives me as I walk to the bathroom for the 20th time during the day. Sometimes men just don't get it. I still have another one...can't we just get rid of this pissed off one before it pisses off my other one?!

2009-09-17T08:50:00.000-07:00

My moving day at work is getting closer. I love seeing all my pictures and unnecessary items in a box waiting to be rushed to the door.

My mind has been on overload for several days now. I can't keep things straight in there anymore...too many ideas, not enough space.

A "friend" from high school contacted me on facebook. I say "friend" because we weren't really friends. She was always super different from everyone else. We first met in elementary school. She and her brother are adopted. They always dressed different, like she would wear things that her mom would wear, with the same hair cut, but would be 8 years old with a sweater with a frilly lace collar that an 80 year old would wear. My mom made me be friends with her. Apparently she had it pretty rough before and that is another reason why she is so different. I felt bad for her. I tried to hang out and play with her, but it was uncomfortable because her mom had to sit with us while we played to make sure she played appropriately because she was "touched as a child and didn't understand that that isn't normal play for children." The friendship didn't last much past junior high, but I was always nice to her. She tried to be normal, it just won't ever happen. Anyways, she has gained a ton of weight and is close to 350lbs. She is trying to lose weight. She needs people to help keep her motivated and active. I offered to walk with her at the reservoir behind her house. I haven't talked to her in person since we graduated. I still feel bad for her and wonder how she is now. Im glad she contacted me, but I have never been so nervous to make a phone call in my life. Im not doing it out of pity, Im doing it because she is truly a nice person and I hope she can make this change to better herself. I just hope her mom doesnt follow us on our walks.

My boss loved an idea I came up with last night to help get repeat mastectomy business. I am proud of myself. Let's just say, Im stealing a clever tactic that Victoria's Secret uses.

Kevin is still jobless and I wish he would get bored enough at our house that he would clean the place top to bottom. I hate leaving notes of things to do like mom's do to children when they are on summer break. My note today..."FINISH THE LANDSCAPING!!!"

I want to go on "The Real World." Im too old now though. If I were on this season I so would have hooked up with Bronne...I love him but I don't know why...

I had a guy ask me this morning if I wanted a sugar daddy...an old Italian guy...too bad Im married. easy money. just joking. maybe, maybe not.

Im sad that "the swayze" has passed away. I loved watching him interact with his wife. You could always tell they were so in love. Im hoping for a dirty dancing marathon this weekend on WE or Lifetime....my fingers are crossed.

Yipee!!!

2009-09-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

Got great news at work yesterday...THEY ARE MOVING ME TO THE SANDUSKY OFFICE!!!!! This means many things...
1.) 10 min from home instead of one hour
2.) save lots o' money on gas
3.) extra hour of sleep each day
4.) don't have to deal with idiot at my current location anymore
5.) I can make it to my second job when they would like me to be there instead of when I can get there
6.) my own office
7.) my own office next to three of my favorite people in sandusky
8.) getting home from work at 5:15 instead of 6:15

I could go on forever. I am so excited. When both managers called me in the office, I was scared, trying to figure out how I had messed up...couldn't think of anything, but both managers are never there so I was freaking! Then they told me. I struggled to keep from hopping in my chair because my current manager is a little bummed about it. But, seriously, I am so excited!

I am eating a delicious lunch provided by my Momo (grandma.) A lovely roast with potatoes, carrots, and green beans fresh from her garden. I love Momo's home cooking...just add salt, she can't have salt because of a disease that she has that affects her balance. That's ok though. It is making my day, especially watching all my coworkers drool over it. Mmmm. yummy.

My new positive outlook on life seems to be paying off so far...Im going to have to keep this up!

Eeeeek!

2009-09-11T07:38:00.000-07:00

My house is currently being bombed for bugs. My cats are pissed off in their carriers chilling out in the garage for a couple hours while the fog clears. My house was being overtaken by spiders and that's not cool.

Yesterday I found a gigantic, by gigantic I mean 3" in diameter, spider in my bathtub. I was screaming at the top of my lungs like a little girl. Kevin washed it down the drain. I wasn't happy enough with that demise so I put some bleach down the drain to make sure it wouldn't climb back up. I was itchy for hours and my shower that night was the worst shower of my life. Shampoo hurts the eyes when you can't close them for fear.

So we get ready for bed, go upstairs, and do our usual fight over who is going to make the bed over who. Kevin jumps in and flings the covers back. There it is, scurrying along my clean sheets; another spider. More screaming ensues. Im throwing myself across the room to get away from the creature darting towards me. Kevin is scrambling to get out of bed because Im screaming, but he doesn't know what for. I stammer out that there is a spider in the bed and point to it crouching down in the middle of the bed, poised for attack. He tries to find something to kill it with...flip flop...perfect! I make him carry it downstairs to flush down the toilet. I couldn't sleep at all last night. Every time the sheet tickled across my foot, I would jerk myself awake and start the whole heart thumping process again.

Kevins job today is to ensure that no creature is living in our house when I get home...except my cats and dog of course. I can't handle spiders. They send me into a horrible fright. It is the one thing I am petrified by...and I am not joking.

can you see the resemblance?

2009-09-10T13:26:00.001-07:00

We all joke that Turner looks like a mini-Grandpa Jack. Even my friends have commented. I love it...it makes me smile. The Steinbauer's certainly have a strong gene-pool...

The only benefit of a funeral...

2009-09-10T09:02:00.000-07:00

is that you get to see family members and when a family member is a photographer, you get new family pictures. The dress may be darker than most of us normally wear, but we are all dressed well, appropriate, and hair and makeup done. That doesn't always happen. I got my cd of photos from my aunt yesterday. She really does such a nice job even though she only does photography as a hobby and took one course at a local community college. You be the judge...

Could I maybe photoshop my body to not be soooo white? Can you tell that Kevin borrowed a suit jacket from a friend that is 3" shorter than him?

The 14 siblings and Grandma...last time all 14 were in a photo together was somewhere around 1970...it's an amazing picture complete with plaid bellbottoms, afros, and bad glasses...

My brother Tanner and his wife Jen...possibly two of the most photogenic people on the planet...plus their eyes rock in pics!

I have yet to get a really good picture of them yet...always, someone isn't quite smiling...case in point. My dad and step mom.My grandma and grandpa...taken at my cousin's wedding in PA back in 2007...they looked so nice that day.

2009-09-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

I am making an effort to change my life. I am done being at the place where I am at. I am going to start working out every day. I am applying for new jobs. I am not going to let my husband get me down, my friends get me down, myself get me down. Iam making a change for the better. Only I can do this for myself so I am going to make it happen.

2009-09-09T12:44:00.001-07:00

I made salmon patties for dinner last night. I have never had them, but Kevin loves them. They made me feel a little white-trashy. I don't know why...I just hear a southern voice going "we's sophi-sto-cated, we's eating sal-mon."

tagged

2009-09-09T08:41:00.000-07:00

Brandi over at bookjunkie tagged all on this questionaire...I love me some questionaires!

Available or married? Married

Best Friend? Beth, Jill, Carrie, Amanda

Cake or Pie? Pie

Drink of choice? Iced tea

Essential item for every day use? toothbrush

Favorite color? blue

Google? yes please!

Hometown? Bellevue, also known as Belltucky

Indulgences? shoes

January or February? February

Kids and their names? My two cats, Stewart Puffincocks III, Nubby St. Nubbins, and my dog, Malarky "Bull" Shitter (see why we don't have kids?!)

Life is incomplete without...? coffee, love, friends

Marriage date? 10-13-2007

Number of siblings? 3 brothers, Tanner, Joe, Jake, and one step brother, Ben

Oranges or apples? apples...all day, every day

Phobias and fears? heights, SPIDERS

Quote for the day? "We's some hot bitches, even while throwing gang signs." Jill Reed regarding girls night (you will see what I mean once I post pics!)

Reason to smile? Pictures from girls night

Tag 3 people to complete this on their blogs? Jen, Lora, MJ

Unknown fact about me? I dance in the shower

Vegetable you hate? Brussel sprouts...blah

Worst habit? picking my cuticles...when Im nervous

X-Rays you've had? knee, ankle, chest, teeth

Your fave food? Steak, scallops, lobster bisque...mmmmm

Zodiac sign? Taurus. you wanna fight?

I really will put up picks from girls night when I get a chance. Right now the pics jill sent me won't load, some internal error bullshit. Soon, very soon. I promise they are worth the wait.

Hellstorm of drunk girls

2009-09-09T04:53:00.001-07:00

Even with the shitty news friday, I still managed to have a shit ton of fun saturday. I conveniently left my camera on my friends kitchen counter, so these are stolen from my friend Jill...

at jackie's "bar" in her basement for pregame

Well into the game here...notice the hands...we's gangstas

Hand placement is key...

The shoes didn't make it the whole night...

There were multiple pictures of us with mouths open, with peace signs, or some other hand signs...we think we are gangsta's when we drink. I will do a little expose on that later.

2009-09-08T09:15:00.000-07:00

So I have decided that I am just going to pull an ostrich and bury my head in the sand until things clear up.
Friday, 20 min before I got off work, Kevin called me to tell me they had laid him off at work. Great. I really don't know how much more I can take. I am sick of bad news. I am ready for good news. I had a gray cloud hanging over me all weekend because of it.
I am trying to be hopeful. Last time he got laid off, back in Feb., he was only off for 6 days before he found another job. It's just that we can't make ends meet on my dwindling paycheck. I am talking to my boss after lunch and letting her know that they need to do something to keep me here or I am going to start looking elsewhere. You can't keep cutting my paycheck and expect me to still drive an hour to work. Help me out here. I am just tired and frustrated. It's awesome looking in your cabinets for food to make for dinner and tryng to figure out what to do with the 6 items you have. Our savings account was smashed by my medical bills-which we are still working on paying off. I just don't get how two hard working people like Kevin and I keep getting the short end of the stick?! I want a break.
My family keeps telling me that God only gives you what you can handle, but damn it, I am at my breaking point.
I have so many things I should be happy about right now, but making our house payment, having food to eat, and gas to get to work are out-weighing those positive things right now. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel because right now the batteries are dead in my flashlight.

2009-09-04T09:03:00.001-07:00

My days are all mixed up this week. It feels like wednesday to me even though it is friday. This is a good mix-up...it could be the other way around as it normally is.
I am looking forward to my long weekend. I need the rest. Tonight I will be spending the evening with Joe...he is home from the army for a few days. This will be the first time he has been home in 9 months and 4 months since I have seen him last. We are planning on just chilling at my house, watching tv, probably ordering pizza, checking out the new tattoos he has acquired since leaving home. I am more than excited to see him, but have been trying to put it out of my mind today so that the day doesn't drag along like it likes to. 5pm will not come soon enough,.
Saturday is my girls night in Cleveland. I am uber excited about this. I haven't been out with just the girls since Tiff's bachelorette party last june. It is due time for some dancing, "whooing," high-heel wearing, drunk stumbling, picture taking, girl time. I just hope the limo driver can handle our loud mouths. We are not a quiet bunch by any means. I am wearing a dress out...I have never done this before, but the dress is meant to be worn out for a good time, not to mourn in as it was used for on tuesday. It has pockets. Can I tell you just how excited I am about the pockets?! Im from little old Clyde Ohio, we don't get trendy clothing in this area, but this dress makes me feel trendy, modern, and sophisticated...and it is low cut but still covers my tatas...I can't explain how that works, but it does. Another benefit of girls night, I get to combine two groups of friends. The core group that set this up was my Cleveland buddies. We are each bringing a couple friends from outside the group. We are all excited about this. We are men with vaginas and boobs...my friends from in town are the same way. I can't wait to meet new people and have my friends meet my cleveland bunch that I rave about so often.
Sunday and monday will be used for recoup. I am sure I will need both days. I am not 21 anymore.
Did I tell you I started back at my friend's restaurant? The place is called Fontana's in Bellevue. Just a little Italian restaurant that one of my best friends has owned since we were 20. I have worked for him off and on since 2003, helping out whenever he can't find decent high school kids to work. It is only a couple of hours a week and I deliver and wash dishes. It's not even like work because we talk about music, movies, our friends, and families the whole time. Before you know it, it is closing time. It's like getting paid to socialize. My type of job.
I hope you all have a great weekend!

Reminents of a Memorial

2009-09-02T09:15:00.000-07:00

My Grandpa Jack passed away on Friday. I got the call at work that they were coding him. I knew he wouldn't make it. His body was tired. He was ready to move on. I am glad I got to spend last Friday with him. I am still sad though.

The showing and funeral were nice. Our family is huge, but super close. It brings comfort to me...that and we all look alike. You can see grandpa in all of our faces. It's like he was there with us. I was a pallbearer along with 7 of my first cousins. We had to sit together at the mass. It was hard seeing my brother cry, my male cousins, my uncles and father who did a Eulogy. Father Joe, who is a cousin as well, my Grandpa's nephew did his mass. It was the most personal mass I have ever been to. It was beautiful, and sad, and funny, and heartwarming, and comforting. I have never prayed the rosary so many times before in my live. But it is something that Grandpa loved to do, so we did this to assure his soul didn't get lost on it's way to heaven. To make sure he knew how much we loved him. To show how strong we knew his faith was.

I lost it at the grave site. When they played taps. That song always gets me. It is so forlorn, so sad, so final. I know he is in a good place. I know he is watching all his "babies." I know that he was ready and that makes me happy. But I will miss him so much.

I found a voicemail on my phone from him last night. I listened to his voice over and over. Smiling and crying at the same time.

Im going to miss you Grandpa Jack. I love you.