This song was written by Gary Numan...the same guy that did "Cars" back in the 80's...great song as well. This song is very mechanical in both musical sound and lyrics. I love the feel of it. I used to have this song playing in my head, on repeat, while I worked at Whirlpool making washing machines on my summer's off from college. It got me through a lot of long, hot days. The alienation in the song seems to resonate with me for some reason, even though I have never really felt truly alienated. I like the mechanical-ness of it...how sometimes we are just machines doing the same thing day in and day out...I like how this questions that attitude; that way of life...I can identify with that. It touches on how we don't really feel emotions anymore, we just go through the motions, but don't connect like people did in the past. We have become a society afraid of really feeling...we have learned to empathize instead of sympathize.
Metal
We're in the building where they make us grow
And I'm frightened by the liquid engineer
Like you
My mallory heart Is sure to fail
I could crawl around the floor Just like I'm real
Like you
The sound of metal
I want to be
You
I should learn to be man Like you
Plug me in
And turn me on
Oh, everything is moving
I need my treatment
It's tomorrow, they send me
Singing "I am an American"
Do you?
Picture this
If I should make the change
I'd love to pull the wires from the wall!
Did you?
nd who are you?
And how could I
try?
Here inside I like the metal
Don't you?
All I know, is no one lies
I'm still confusing love with need
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!!!
Sunday, I took Kevin to the NHRA nationals at Norwalk raceway park. It was his bithday present from me. First, we had awesome seats, right in line with the tree and the weather was perfect. Drag racing is fun and it is even more fun when they are nitro cars....these cars literally shake your entire body and make it difficult to take a breath when they rush past you at 200mph. It's crazy!
One of my other favorite things to do at the races is watch people. You see some real treasures there...60 year old women with skin like a leather handbag wearing a belly shirt and short shorts, complete with belly ring; the typical race fan with 3 teeth dispersed amongst the whole family; the douche bag with white sunglasses, tribal tattoo, and plaid board shorts; and the "drag whore" the 16 year old running around in practically no clothing, with knee high boots, who runs up and down the stands the entire race. It's funny to watch all the people. Makes the down time between heats bearable.
I am fried to a crisp though. My paleness was not on my side when I had to sit in the bright sun for 12 hours. I put on sunblock at least 8 times, but I'm still well toasted...and by toasted, I mean I look like a lobster. Oh well. It was worth it. I got to meet my drag race hotty, the crew cheif for Del Worsham...Aaron Brooks. I think he's dreamy in a 1950's drag racer way...with a full sleeve of tattoos, the big black sunglasses, and cool, calm personality. I was like a 13year old when he smiled at me. I melted...my husband laughed. Im such a dork. This picture doesn't do him justice..he looks uptight and kinda dorky here. Oh well.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Ug...
We got an email at work. We have basically been asked to work for free for one day per pay period. Im pissed. First off, I sent an email to our president months ago, when our economy took a hit, with suggestions on how to save money. Like get rid of the free coffee, tea, and hot chocolate. Stop paying for your employees pens, highlighters, and post-it notes. These are unnecessary items. We stopped purchasing employees pens, highlighters, and post-its on the floor at the hospital that I used to work at because I noticed we were spending almost $500 a month just for our floor...we saved almost $14,000 hospital-wide from this one step. I showed the president the numbers. These are items we should be providing ourselves. I do. Im picky about my pens. And I hate post-it notes. I use scrap paper, again, saving the company money. Turn off the lights every night and shut down your computer, don't just let it sleep. Turn off radios when not in use. Recycle. These are all good suggestions. Get rid of the Christmas dinner we have, where they serve lobster and prime rib at an exclusive yacht club. Do this before you ask your employees to basically work for free. Im strapped as it is. I can't work for free. So my vacation time that I was saving for a Thanksgiving trip is now being used so I can pay my bills. Im chapped. yeah, I know, I still have a job. But come on-make some cuts before you start affecting your employees take home.
Monday, monday
How do Mondays sneak up on us so quick? I swear I was just LEAVING work for the weekend...Im somehow back here too soon. Can someone explain this to me?!
Friday, June 26, 2009
Stormy skies
This is what the sky looked like over our house last night. There were 2 storm systems moving together. It was crazy beautiful!Wednesday, June 24, 2009
"Taco, Burrito, What's comin' outta your speedo?"
One of the greatest times in my life was when I was coaching junior high cheerleading. I felt fulfilled, like I was making a difference in someones life and teaching life lessons. I have a lot of passion for the sport. People don't realize that it is the longest "seasoned" sport. You start in June and finish after tryouts in April. That's a long ass time. And people wonder why cheerleaders are known for being bitchy and backstabbing-be couped up for 2-4 hours a day with the same group of girls for months straight. I was lucky and was able to put most of that type of mentality to rest with my groups. My first group of girls were pretty close-knit. They had all been friends for several years and were used to being on teams together-since most of them were in dance together. It was a fun year and I still get screams of "coachy-pooh" and a tackle/hug when I see one of them. (yes, they called me coachy-pooh-not real sure why-they just did.) It makes me feel good when the parents still come up and talk to me. One of the original cheer mom's works out at my gym. She made sure that I knew that Kelsey was doing great at college and still slept with the pillow I made her for Christmas when she was on my squad-that she refuses to go anywhere without it. I make all my girls a pillow with red and white flannel. I hand embroider a megaphone with their name on the inside. They become iconic I guess.
It makes me feel good to know that I taught life lessons. I constantly preached about self-worth and the fact that boys would always try to get into their pants and that they didn't have to let them-that they were worth more. I was more than once a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to that wouldn't judge. I would simply listen and give advice if they wanted it. I was a mother figure for one of the girls that lost her mother in a terrible car accident just one year prior. She watched her mother die and couldn't do anything about it. She is a strong girl and absolutly amazing. She makes me feel weak in comparison. I will forever love her. I saved a girl from a life of prostitution. Hard to believe I know. But try getting a call from a teacher/friend who found one of your girls purses and it was shoved full of money and condoms. I was instantly sick. She was only 13. I pulled her aside and asked her what was going on. Her mother (who was 27-had a daughter at 13) would routinely kick her out of the house along with her younger sister. They had no family in the area and no where to turn. She would sleep with men for a place for her and her sister to sleep and a warm meal. I knew her mom was trash, but this was bad. I had paid for her cheer camp and took her school clothes shopping earlier in the year. Needless to say-I had to contact children's services-she was mad at me, but she is in a great place now. Living with her grandmother and grandfather in a HUGE, beautiful house in a great school district. That was a trying year.
My last year coaching was my favorite. I had the best group of girls. They were all individuals, but melded together well. My squad only had 8 girls on it....tiny compared to other schools. We still kicked ass at competitions and camp. We took first place at every competition we went to-including one where one of my girls got injured and we had to change all the ripples and formations literally 10 minutes before they took the floor. Panic. It was the best performance of their lives. They scored nearly perfect. I was so proud!
I got the best award of my life while coaching. I've won awards in the past, The Lemke English Honorary Award, Student Affairs Employee of the Year, Unit Coordinator of the Year, but the one that takes the cake in my book is Most Inspirational Coach, given to me by the camp administrator for UCA. I almost cried when my girls ran up and hugged me and told me that they were proud to have me as a coach.
I miss coaching so much. I can't wait til I am able to coach again. I miss it so much. My life feels less full without my "children."
It makes me feel good to know that I taught life lessons. I constantly preached about self-worth and the fact that boys would always try to get into their pants and that they didn't have to let them-that they were worth more. I was more than once a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to that wouldn't judge. I would simply listen and give advice if they wanted it. I was a mother figure for one of the girls that lost her mother in a terrible car accident just one year prior. She watched her mother die and couldn't do anything about it. She is a strong girl and absolutly amazing. She makes me feel weak in comparison. I will forever love her. I saved a girl from a life of prostitution. Hard to believe I know. But try getting a call from a teacher/friend who found one of your girls purses and it was shoved full of money and condoms. I was instantly sick. She was only 13. I pulled her aside and asked her what was going on. Her mother (who was 27-had a daughter at 13) would routinely kick her out of the house along with her younger sister. They had no family in the area and no where to turn. She would sleep with men for a place for her and her sister to sleep and a warm meal. I knew her mom was trash, but this was bad. I had paid for her cheer camp and took her school clothes shopping earlier in the year. Needless to say-I had to contact children's services-she was mad at me, but she is in a great place now. Living with her grandmother and grandfather in a HUGE, beautiful house in a great school district. That was a trying year.
My last year coaching was my favorite. I had the best group of girls. They were all individuals, but melded together well. My squad only had 8 girls on it....tiny compared to other schools. We still kicked ass at competitions and camp. We took first place at every competition we went to-including one where one of my girls got injured and we had to change all the ripples and formations literally 10 minutes before they took the floor. Panic. It was the best performance of their lives. They scored nearly perfect. I was so proud!
I got the best award of my life while coaching. I've won awards in the past, The Lemke English Honorary Award, Student Affairs Employee of the Year, Unit Coordinator of the Year, but the one that takes the cake in my book is Most Inspirational Coach, given to me by the camp administrator for UCA. I almost cried when my girls ran up and hugged me and told me that they were proud to have me as a coach.
I miss coaching so much. I can't wait til I am able to coach again. I miss it so much. My life feels less full without my "children."
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Medical Bills
What do people without insurance do when it comes to medical bills. Bills from my surgery are rolling in and I am flabergasted. I am trying to understand why I still owe so much. Then I look at the itemized bills and realize that the cost of everything is outrageous!
They charged me $1600.00 for one hour in PACU. That is bullshit. All they did was hook my up to a monitor, take my blood pressure every 5 min. Feed me some ice chips and give me some pain meds. That is it. You mean to tell me it cost $1600 for that! Don't think so.
My anesthesia bill is $343.20, after insurance. Dr. Jung was my anesthesiologist. I want to call him and say, "Hey, since I pulled your pre-op papers for you everyday for 5 years, how bout we call it even." I'd say him not having to get off his ass to get shit on my floor is payment enough. Or the $857.52 that I owe the hospital. How bout the 5 years of service I gave you. The Christmas mornings when I was at work while my family was spending time together. Every Easter that I missed because they didn't count it as a holidy. The father's and mother's days that I missed for 5 years in a row because my weekend just always happened to land on those days. The sleepless nights when I came in because you were short-handed and you knew I would come in. How bout we just call it even. You owe me anyways.
My surgeon, yeah, I will gladly pay him. His bill is only $324.00. I think that's pretty reasonable. But the a almost $1000 that I owe pathology to confirm something that we already knew, not so much. How bout you go fly a kite. I laughed when I saw that my insurance only paid them $16.00 and I only owe them $16.04! Haha! Nice try sending me the bill to see if I would pay it! I will patiently wait for my EOB and send you a copy of what I REALLY have to pay.
Medical bills suck. Period.
They charged me $1600.00 for one hour in PACU. That is bullshit. All they did was hook my up to a monitor, take my blood pressure every 5 min. Feed me some ice chips and give me some pain meds. That is it. You mean to tell me it cost $1600 for that! Don't think so.
My anesthesia bill is $343.20, after insurance. Dr. Jung was my anesthesiologist. I want to call him and say, "Hey, since I pulled your pre-op papers for you everyday for 5 years, how bout we call it even." I'd say him not having to get off his ass to get shit on my floor is payment enough. Or the $857.52 that I owe the hospital. How bout the 5 years of service I gave you. The Christmas mornings when I was at work while my family was spending time together. Every Easter that I missed because they didn't count it as a holidy. The father's and mother's days that I missed for 5 years in a row because my weekend just always happened to land on those days. The sleepless nights when I came in because you were short-handed and you knew I would come in. How bout we just call it even. You owe me anyways.
My surgeon, yeah, I will gladly pay him. His bill is only $324.00. I think that's pretty reasonable. But the a almost $1000 that I owe pathology to confirm something that we already knew, not so much. How bout you go fly a kite. I laughed when I saw that my insurance only paid them $16.00 and I only owe them $16.04! Haha! Nice try sending me the bill to see if I would pay it! I will patiently wait for my EOB and send you a copy of what I REALLY have to pay.
Medical bills suck. Period.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Im frustrated...
I know I promised to try to post only positive things here for a while, but the dark clouds overhead seem to have darkened my mood as well.
I am frustrated with my best friend. She is in a shitty marriage, a one-sided marriage. Her husband became his true self as soon as the ring was on her finger and the paperwork was signed. They only dated 1 year before getting married and havn't even been married a year yet. He is now addicted to porn, and alcoholic, a cheater, and basically doesn't give two shits about her and how she is handling it is driving me nuts.
She tells me everything, which isn't always the best, especially if you don't want my opinion. They are going to a couples recovery group at her father's church, but he doesn't ever speak and he has a beer in his hand as soon as they are back in the truck heading home. Sounds to me like he almost gets the message.
This guy is a sleaze bag, douch-nozzle, hillbilly, with no fucking morals, no respect for anyone else, and to boot, he thinks he is God's gift to everything. He tried feeling me up at a party in January. I hit him. If he is willing to do this to me, who else is he doing it to? I was told that he tried to grab her sister's ass as well. Yeah, great guy.
What pisses me off the most is that she isn't strong enough to just walk away. I would have given up by now. I know she really wants to make it work and loves him, but I don't get why! He apparently doesn't care about her! He gave her a fucking STD and lied about it to her face!!! HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU! HE'S NEVER GOING TO CARE ABOUT YOU! ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS HIS PENIS, HIS BEER, AND WHAT HE CAN PUT HIS PENIS IN!
He told her that she sucks in bed and isn't satisfying him...last time I checked she said he has no clue what foreplay is...sounds like the typical male asshole here.
He hates me because he knows I have him figured out, he knows that I am strong enough to stand up to him, and I make him look like the country-fried, ignorant, asshole he is everytime we have to be around him.
Honey,
get the picture, he's not worth your tears, he's not worth your hurt feelings, he's not worth risking getting another STD over. You are smart, beautiful, and deserve way better than what you have. Get rid of him! Move on! Be happy! Life is too short to deal with bullshit like him!
ARG!
I am frustrated with my best friend. She is in a shitty marriage, a one-sided marriage. Her husband became his true self as soon as the ring was on her finger and the paperwork was signed. They only dated 1 year before getting married and havn't even been married a year yet. He is now addicted to porn, and alcoholic, a cheater, and basically doesn't give two shits about her and how she is handling it is driving me nuts.
She tells me everything, which isn't always the best, especially if you don't want my opinion. They are going to a couples recovery group at her father's church, but he doesn't ever speak and he has a beer in his hand as soon as they are back in the truck heading home. Sounds to me like he almost gets the message.
This guy is a sleaze bag, douch-nozzle, hillbilly, with no fucking morals, no respect for anyone else, and to boot, he thinks he is God's gift to everything. He tried feeling me up at a party in January. I hit him. If he is willing to do this to me, who else is he doing it to? I was told that he tried to grab her sister's ass as well. Yeah, great guy.
What pisses me off the most is that she isn't strong enough to just walk away. I would have given up by now. I know she really wants to make it work and loves him, but I don't get why! He apparently doesn't care about her! He gave her a fucking STD and lied about it to her face!!! HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU! HE'S NEVER GOING TO CARE ABOUT YOU! ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS HIS PENIS, HIS BEER, AND WHAT HE CAN PUT HIS PENIS IN!
He told her that she sucks in bed and isn't satisfying him...last time I checked she said he has no clue what foreplay is...sounds like the typical male asshole here.
He hates me because he knows I have him figured out, he knows that I am strong enough to stand up to him, and I make him look like the country-fried, ignorant, asshole he is everytime we have to be around him.
Honey,
get the picture, he's not worth your tears, he's not worth your hurt feelings, he's not worth risking getting another STD over. You are smart, beautiful, and deserve way better than what you have. Get rid of him! Move on! Be happy! Life is too short to deal with bullshit like him!
ARG!
NIN part 2
And All That Could Have Been
Trent likes to expand on ideas. If you listen to every CD back to back, you will hear familiarities throughout. It's like he continues his story from album (0r Halo) to album. You will hear the same line of words hidden in songs, same haunting melodies mixed in...just hanging ever so slightly, so as not to be repetative in an annoying, or uncreative way, but as a type of transparent glue holding his music together. I love it. It makes me feel more connected to the music, like it is a part of me because I know and love it so well. Like a common phrase that you use with a loved one. It is pure perfection. Not many artists could get away with it. We have all seen Ashanti and Akon try.
Breeze still carries the sound
maybe i'll disappear
tracks will fade in the snow
you won't find me here
Ice is starting to form
mending what had begun
I am locked in my head
with what I've done
I know you tried to rescue me
didn't let anyone get in
left with a trace of all that was
And all that could have been
Please
take this
and run far away
far away from me
I am tainted
the two of uswere never meant to be
all these pieces
and promises
and left behinds
if only I could see
In my nothing
You meant everything
everything to me
gone
fading
everything
And
all that could
have been
Please
take this
and run far away
far as you can see
I am tainted
and happiness and peace of mind
were never meant for me
all these pieces
and promises and left behinds
if only I could see
In my nothing
You meant everything
everything to me
This song makes me cry without trying. The loss in his voice, the despair, is beautiful and heartbreaking. If you can make a whole venue so quiet you can hear a pin drop, hold an audience so captivated that it seems people are afraid to even take a breath, that says something. You can tell it was a bad time in his life and he shares that pain with you. How brave to be so vulnerable to millions.
I hope you all find it online to listen to and that it moves you as well.
Trent likes to expand on ideas. If you listen to every CD back to back, you will hear familiarities throughout. It's like he continues his story from album (0r Halo) to album. You will hear the same line of words hidden in songs, same haunting melodies mixed in...just hanging ever so slightly, so as not to be repetative in an annoying, or uncreative way, but as a type of transparent glue holding his music together. I love it. It makes me feel more connected to the music, like it is a part of me because I know and love it so well. Like a common phrase that you use with a loved one. It is pure perfection. Not many artists could get away with it. We have all seen Ashanti and Akon try.
Breeze still carries the sound
maybe i'll disappear
tracks will fade in the snow
you won't find me here
Ice is starting to form
mending what had begun
I am locked in my head
with what I've done
I know you tried to rescue me
didn't let anyone get in
left with a trace of all that was
And all that could have been
Please
take this
and run far away
far away from me
I am tainted
the two of uswere never meant to be
all these pieces
and promises
and left behinds
if only I could see
In my nothing
You meant everything
everything to me
gone
fading
everything
And
all that could
have been
Please
take this
and run far away
far as you can see
I am tainted
and happiness and peace of mind
were never meant for me
all these pieces
and promises and left behinds
if only I could see
In my nothing
You meant everything
everything to me
This song makes me cry without trying. The loss in his voice, the despair, is beautiful and heartbreaking. If you can make a whole venue so quiet you can hear a pin drop, hold an audience so captivated that it seems people are afraid to even take a breath, that says something. You can tell it was a bad time in his life and he shares that pain with you. How brave to be so vulnerable to millions.
I hope you all find it online to listen to and that it moves you as well.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
NIN Part 1
Ok,
So, I am going to expose you all to the wonderful music of Nine Inch Nails, and the genious that is Trent Reznor. I have so many favorite songs by them (him), that I have to catagorize them by the mood the song creates in me, or if they are fast, slow, new, old...you get the point.
THE GREAT BELOW
Staring at the sea
Will she come?
Is there hope for me
After all is said and done
Anything at any price
All of this for you
All the spoils of a wasted life
All of this for you
All the world has closed her eyes
Tired faith all worn and thin
For all we could have done
And all that could have been
Ocean pulls me close
And whispers in my ear
The destiny Ive chose
All becoming clear
The currents have their say
The time is drawing near
Washes me away
Makes me disappear
I descend from grace
In arms of underflow
I will take my place
In the great below
I can still feel you
Even so far away
Such a great song. I see pictures in my head when I hear it. Swirling blues and greens. Ice, jagged ice. I cried when it was performed live at one of the concerts I went to. One simple line "and all that could have been" says so much to me.
So, I am going to expose you all to the wonderful music of Nine Inch Nails, and the genious that is Trent Reznor. I have so many favorite songs by them (him), that I have to catagorize them by the mood the song creates in me, or if they are fast, slow, new, old...you get the point.
THE GREAT BELOW
Staring at the sea
Will she come?
Is there hope for me
After all is said and done
Anything at any price
All of this for you
All the spoils of a wasted life
All of this for you
All the world has closed her eyes
Tired faith all worn and thin
For all we could have done
And all that could have been
Ocean pulls me close
And whispers in my ear
The destiny Ive chose
All becoming clear
The currents have their say
The time is drawing near
Washes me away
Makes me disappear
I descend from grace
In arms of underflow
I will take my place
In the great below
I can still feel you
Even so far away
Such a great song. I see pictures in my head when I hear it. Swirling blues and greens. Ice, jagged ice. I cried when it was performed live at one of the concerts I went to. One simple line "and all that could have been" says so much to me.
My neighbor is in Playboy
Have you ever seen the new show Kendra? This is the Kendra, Kendra Wilkenson, that was one of Hef's bouncing, blonde, big boobied, beauties. The one with the crazy laugh. Yeah, that one. Well, watch her new show. Then watch for her friend Brittany Binger. This girl is from Bellevue. I can see her parents' house from my front yard. Her brother farms next door to where I live. I used to ride the bus with her. She used to date my best friends little brother-we aren't allowed to talk about her in front of him. She graduated with my little brother and used to come in every wednesday to my friends restaurant and get a side of rigatoni with tomato sauce. My friend would drool every time she walked in that door. She is beautiful, but it is still crazy to me that she is now semi-famous. And was naked in the biggest nudey-magazine ever. It is so weird to turn on the tv and see her help clean up eggs off Kendra's new kitchen floor. If anything, she is Kendra's common sense. She is a smart girl. Im glad she is doing as well as she is doing. She always wanted to be a model and I remember how excited she was when she was chosen to be in a Joann Fabric flyer. So long ago. My, how things have changed.
Music makes you feel...
Jen, over at It's a Beautiful Life is all freakin out about turning 30....come on sista! You look like you are 20! But! She has a great idea! She is listing songs from each year in her 20's that were her fav. I love when people do this. It makes me want to do it. Except I always have problems picking just one.
I will figure out some way to do it though and not keep you reading for ever!
I will figure out some way to do it though and not keep you reading for ever!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Im alive!
Ok, I promise to not blog about negative stuff for a while...its been a trying time for me here as of late. Between work being super busy and home life being a little upside down, its been hard for me to remain my normal positive self. But...I. Will. Try.
My cricut should arrive this weekend. I am pretty excited about it. For all you non-scrapbookers out there, the cricut is the quintessential tool for scrapbooking...it makes everything so much easier and prettier and cleaner and more creative. I am getting a great deal on it from a friend who bought a huge scrapbook lot off ebay that included a brand-spankin' new cricut. Now I don't have to steal hers when I want to scrapbook. And I can have scrapbook parties on my beerpong table turned scrapbook haven.
Im planning a trip to Vegas in Feb. I have never been to Vegas and I am excited to finally go! We are going to get as many friends involved as possible too. So far there are about 6-7 of us planning on going. Im not sure what hotel to try to book, so if any of you are Vegas-veterans, shoot me your reccomendations! I am not one to gamble, so I plan on relaxing, drinking, and shopping while out there. I want to come back with at least one pair of designer shoes. The closest designer shoes around here are the Nine West shoes at our Macy's...our local shopping sucks and even the larger cities near us don't have much to offer. The first time I walked into a Sak's I thought I had died and gone to heavan! I can't wait to see the rows and rows of pretty, little, strappy, non-strappy, peep-toed, shiny, stilletto'd beauties! Yes, I love shoes!
Have a great day! It's rainy here, but that usually means the old ladies won't go outside to ruin their hair...maybe I will be able to get some work done!
My cricut should arrive this weekend. I am pretty excited about it. For all you non-scrapbookers out there, the cricut is the quintessential tool for scrapbooking...it makes everything so much easier and prettier and cleaner and more creative. I am getting a great deal on it from a friend who bought a huge scrapbook lot off ebay that included a brand-spankin' new cricut. Now I don't have to steal hers when I want to scrapbook. And I can have scrapbook parties on my beerpong table turned scrapbook haven.
Im planning a trip to Vegas in Feb. I have never been to Vegas and I am excited to finally go! We are going to get as many friends involved as possible too. So far there are about 6-7 of us planning on going. Im not sure what hotel to try to book, so if any of you are Vegas-veterans, shoot me your reccomendations! I am not one to gamble, so I plan on relaxing, drinking, and shopping while out there. I want to come back with at least one pair of designer shoes. The closest designer shoes around here are the Nine West shoes at our Macy's...our local shopping sucks and even the larger cities near us don't have much to offer. The first time I walked into a Sak's I thought I had died and gone to heavan! I can't wait to see the rows and rows of pretty, little, strappy, non-strappy, peep-toed, shiny, stilletto'd beauties! Yes, I love shoes!
Have a great day! It's rainy here, but that usually means the old ladies won't go outside to ruin their hair...maybe I will be able to get some work done!
Monday, June 15, 2009
The cost of love
I thought I was going to be in the process of finding a new home, restarting my life, and in the midst of a divorce by this morning, from how things were looking friday night.
It all started out so well. We went to a cookout/bonfire with some friends. Kicked back, relaxed, had a couple glasses of wine or beer (which ever you prefer) and had great conversation.
Kevin and I get home and are getting ready for bed...that's when it all happened. I was lazily laying on the couch, waiting for him to finish up in the bathroom when I hear, "Haley, get in here." He only uses my name when he is mad, which infuriates me. He was looking at my phone. My stomach instantly is in my throat. I know what he is looking at. A text from my friend, Eddie, that said something to the effect that he feels that is life is more complete because of our relationship. Kevin is furious. I am trying to explain to kevin that it is in regards to our friendship and nothing more. Kevin doesn't want to hear any of it. He flies out in a fit of rage. Throws my phone and begins crying/lashing out at anything that is not human. We no longer have a door on our spare bedroom. I try talking to him, but it is no use at this point. He has been drinking, he doesn't want to hear what I am saying, and if I keep pushing Iknow it will result in physical contact. I back off, call my friend Carrie, who calms me down, and I attempt to sleep. All the animals crawl into bed with me (including the dog-who is normally a daddy's boy.)
I get up in the morning, 6am. no sleep. I go upstairs and try to talk to him. He still doesn't want anything to do with me. I talk anyways and tell him if I wanted to be with someone else, I would. That I wouldn't stick around if I wasn't happy. That Eddie and I are friends and only friends. I mean come on. He was the first person I introduced Kevin to, I hooked him up with his current wife, and they just had a beautiful baby boy. There is no physical attraction there. We just connect on a level unlike any other. Kevin doesn't understand it. I dont expect him to. I tell him I am willing to stop all contact with Eddie, even though we only ever talked on the phone. He wasn't as important to me as Kevin was. Kevin tells me he needs time to think. I give him three hours. After this, I am pissed. I storm outside, where he is and remind him of the time I found a girls phone number in his phone, the time I found out he had taken a chic on MY bike and pretty much told her that he was single, when we were engaged; how I had looked past this because I trusted what he had to say, not everyone else. If he couldn't trust me than we really didn't need to be together. That it would kill me to leave him, but that I could do it. That I never cheated on him with eddie, and wouldn't stand by idley and be accused of doing so. He got the point and we made up.
Kevin is insecure with himself. He didn't go to college so he cant understand the connection that you have with people from school. He doesn't understand how girls and guys can be friends without having sex. Even though a large majority of my friends have always been guys. He has had even more insecurities because of recent meet ups with friends from college. Him hearing about a different part of my life, that he wasn't a real part of. I have given up so much for Kevin and at times it seems that it is never enough and that frustrates the hell out of me. I turned down Temple University for Podiatry school because I knew he wouldn't be able to handle me moving away. I gave up a lot to stay in the area I grew up in becuase it is where he is most comforatble and feels the least amount of threat. I am sick of giving things up. I am frustrated. I am tired. I am tired of trying to dumb myself down and limit myself to people that he feels comfortable with. He knows I am tired and is trying to make changes. I don't get why he doesn't see that I chose HIM. I gave up a large portion of myself to be with him and I am happy. He doesn't need to be so insecure. I don't know what else to do to convince him of this. I just can't give up anymore of myself for him.
It all started out so well. We went to a cookout/bonfire with some friends. Kicked back, relaxed, had a couple glasses of wine or beer (which ever you prefer) and had great conversation.
Kevin and I get home and are getting ready for bed...that's when it all happened. I was lazily laying on the couch, waiting for him to finish up in the bathroom when I hear, "Haley, get in here." He only uses my name when he is mad, which infuriates me. He was looking at my phone. My stomach instantly is in my throat. I know what he is looking at. A text from my friend, Eddie, that said something to the effect that he feels that is life is more complete because of our relationship. Kevin is furious. I am trying to explain to kevin that it is in regards to our friendship and nothing more. Kevin doesn't want to hear any of it. He flies out in a fit of rage. Throws my phone and begins crying/lashing out at anything that is not human. We no longer have a door on our spare bedroom. I try talking to him, but it is no use at this point. He has been drinking, he doesn't want to hear what I am saying, and if I keep pushing Iknow it will result in physical contact. I back off, call my friend Carrie, who calms me down, and I attempt to sleep. All the animals crawl into bed with me (including the dog-who is normally a daddy's boy.)
I get up in the morning, 6am. no sleep. I go upstairs and try to talk to him. He still doesn't want anything to do with me. I talk anyways and tell him if I wanted to be with someone else, I would. That I wouldn't stick around if I wasn't happy. That Eddie and I are friends and only friends. I mean come on. He was the first person I introduced Kevin to, I hooked him up with his current wife, and they just had a beautiful baby boy. There is no physical attraction there. We just connect on a level unlike any other. Kevin doesn't understand it. I dont expect him to. I tell him I am willing to stop all contact with Eddie, even though we only ever talked on the phone. He wasn't as important to me as Kevin was. Kevin tells me he needs time to think. I give him three hours. After this, I am pissed. I storm outside, where he is and remind him of the time I found a girls phone number in his phone, the time I found out he had taken a chic on MY bike and pretty much told her that he was single, when we were engaged; how I had looked past this because I trusted what he had to say, not everyone else. If he couldn't trust me than we really didn't need to be together. That it would kill me to leave him, but that I could do it. That I never cheated on him with eddie, and wouldn't stand by idley and be accused of doing so. He got the point and we made up.
Kevin is insecure with himself. He didn't go to college so he cant understand the connection that you have with people from school. He doesn't understand how girls and guys can be friends without having sex. Even though a large majority of my friends have always been guys. He has had even more insecurities because of recent meet ups with friends from college. Him hearing about a different part of my life, that he wasn't a real part of. I have given up so much for Kevin and at times it seems that it is never enough and that frustrates the hell out of me. I turned down Temple University for Podiatry school because I knew he wouldn't be able to handle me moving away. I gave up a lot to stay in the area I grew up in becuase it is where he is most comforatble and feels the least amount of threat. I am sick of giving things up. I am frustrated. I am tired. I am tired of trying to dumb myself down and limit myself to people that he feels comfortable with. He knows I am tired and is trying to make changes. I don't get why he doesn't see that I chose HIM. I gave up a large portion of myself to be with him and I am happy. He doesn't need to be so insecure. I don't know what else to do to convince him of this. I just can't give up anymore of myself for him.
Friday, June 12, 2009
missing persons
No, not the band. ME
I have been MIA (no not the singer) all week and I feel guilty about it.
I have so many blogs stuck in my head that I want to get out, but no time to do so.
I promise to post a couple on monday...
Have a great and safe weekend!
I have been MIA (no not the singer) all week and I feel guilty about it.
I have so many blogs stuck in my head that I want to get out, but no time to do so.
I promise to post a couple on monday...
Have a great and safe weekend!
Monday, June 8, 2009
My life revisited
This past weekend was one reunion after another, and it was wonderful.
I had only planned on meeting up with a couple of my good friends from high school on friday, but my entire weekend turned into a reunion for 3 different, yet overlapping, times in my life.
Friday I hung out with 3 of my good friends from high school. We sat at the local bar, drank long island iced teas, did a couple shots, and remembered all the good times we had together. It was fantastic. Kevin hung in like a trooper...he has a tooth pulled and was in a lot of pain, but still managed to keep up with the conversation through his haze of vicodin...probably because we were talking through a haze of long islands. I get to see these friends about once every year if I am lucky. But the one just moved back up to Columbus, so it will be much more frequent than it has in the last 10 years. She is going to introduce me to the world of martinis and I am excited and scared...I hear they taste like pine trees...I don't like to eat pine trees.
Saturday I had no plans. I cleaned the house, went for a crappy run, and then lounged and watched movies all day. My phone started ringing at 1030pm. It was one of my very good guy friends from college! I was soooo excited. I had not seen him since he graduated. He was in Port Clinton, only 20 min from me and heading to a bar I always talked about. Of course I had to drag my husband out...he was ready for bed. Kevin was quiet on the ride over, so I finally asked him what was wrong. His response..."have you ever slept with wes?" I laugh. No, I had never slept with wes. He did see my boobs on the radio show I did, but that was it. He was a close friend and I could never see him that way. We get to the bar, its all guys. He was there with his masonic lodge brothers. Too funny. We still had a blast. He is a bastard and just sold his insurance company if 5 million...at the age of 27...bastard. No, really I am happy for him. He has the best luck and when he finishes law school, I will have a great lawyer on my side. Kevin wasn't too pleased when I yelled "A great personality and a big cock" as a response to how he landed such a smokin hot wife...I got grilled on the way home about how I knew what size his johnson was....which I have no clue...I just know how most women work. The comment was worth it.
Sunday, yes, its not over, I headed to wooster to see some old friends. I was really close with Chuck, Michelle, and Andy growing up. Michelle and Chuck had a baby and I had yet to meet him, so I figured it was time. I love him. He is adorable, happy, smily, and gassy....all things babies should be. I was initially bummed when I got there because Chuck thought that Andy was gone on vacation, but he called down to his house anyways and he was home! Chuck told him he needed help with something and to come down asap. Andy was more than suprised when he saw me, gave me the biggest hug ever...made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...it is confirmed, my crush is still there...too funny. Only now it is more appropriate than it was in the past. It was great catching up with all of them. I can't wait to go down again and scrapbook with Michelle and have some cookouts.
It made me realize how many people have truly touched my life, and how I don't want to wait years between now and when I see them again.
I had only planned on meeting up with a couple of my good friends from high school on friday, but my entire weekend turned into a reunion for 3 different, yet overlapping, times in my life.
Friday I hung out with 3 of my good friends from high school. We sat at the local bar, drank long island iced teas, did a couple shots, and remembered all the good times we had together. It was fantastic. Kevin hung in like a trooper...he has a tooth pulled and was in a lot of pain, but still managed to keep up with the conversation through his haze of vicodin...probably because we were talking through a haze of long islands. I get to see these friends about once every year if I am lucky. But the one just moved back up to Columbus, so it will be much more frequent than it has in the last 10 years. She is going to introduce me to the world of martinis and I am excited and scared...I hear they taste like pine trees...I don't like to eat pine trees.
Saturday I had no plans. I cleaned the house, went for a crappy run, and then lounged and watched movies all day. My phone started ringing at 1030pm. It was one of my very good guy friends from college! I was soooo excited. I had not seen him since he graduated. He was in Port Clinton, only 20 min from me and heading to a bar I always talked about. Of course I had to drag my husband out...he was ready for bed. Kevin was quiet on the ride over, so I finally asked him what was wrong. His response..."have you ever slept with wes?" I laugh. No, I had never slept with wes. He did see my boobs on the radio show I did, but that was it. He was a close friend and I could never see him that way. We get to the bar, its all guys. He was there with his masonic lodge brothers. Too funny. We still had a blast. He is a bastard and just sold his insurance company if 5 million...at the age of 27...bastard. No, really I am happy for him. He has the best luck and when he finishes law school, I will have a great lawyer on my side. Kevin wasn't too pleased when I yelled "A great personality and a big cock" as a response to how he landed such a smokin hot wife...I got grilled on the way home about how I knew what size his johnson was....which I have no clue...I just know how most women work. The comment was worth it.
Sunday, yes, its not over, I headed to wooster to see some old friends. I was really close with Chuck, Michelle, and Andy growing up. Michelle and Chuck had a baby and I had yet to meet him, so I figured it was time. I love him. He is adorable, happy, smily, and gassy....all things babies should be. I was initially bummed when I got there because Chuck thought that Andy was gone on vacation, but he called down to his house anyways and he was home! Chuck told him he needed help with something and to come down asap. Andy was more than suprised when he saw me, gave me the biggest hug ever...made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...it is confirmed, my crush is still there...too funny. Only now it is more appropriate than it was in the past. It was great catching up with all of them. I can't wait to go down again and scrapbook with Michelle and have some cookouts.
It made me realize how many people have truly touched my life, and how I don't want to wait years between now and when I see them again.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
oh my hips!
My friend, Beth, and I had a brilliant plan a month ago..."Lets do some 5k's this year!" We did our first one on Memorial Day weekend. (I will add a pic once I get my film developed!) It was the Jon Martin 5k in Bellevue. It is a memorial to a man that was killed in Iraq last year who is from Bellevue. He was a pretty amazing guy.
Beth and I "ran" the 5k. I say "ran" because we walked more than we "ran." But we finished in the middle of the pack, so I wasn't too upset. Plus, we had done absolutely no training, so the fact that we finished in 42.01 didn't phase me much.
Well, the running bug got us and now we are signed up for one almost every weekend for the next three months. I have been talking with running friends from college...you know, the one's who do the Boston marathon...and have been getting tips on training and learning how to not kill ourselves, and our shins (otherwise known as the anterior tibialis muscle.) My little brother, Joe, set a goal for us to run one in 25 min by October...we shall see if this happens.
So for the past week, I have been going up to the local high school track to "run." I will let you know when it turns from a "run" to a RUN. Right now I am doing more splits than anything. Walk 100, sprint 100 with the goal to increase my lung capacity and recovery time/breath control. I sound like a damn freight train/tornado/vaccuum/dying person when I "run" currently. I would settle for the tornado sound. I have found that my times at night are getting better just from day to day, but am getting nervous about my next actual 5k...which is on Kelley's Island-which I am pumped about!
I will be excited when I can run the entire distance instead of having to take breaks. My hip fat already feels smaller, my calves are tighter, my quads are more taunt...it is amazing how quickly you see a difference in your body from running. Even my workouts at the gym have gotten better. I see more muscle definition in the mirror when I am lifting, and this gives me even more confidence in myself...not that I need that!
Beth is my drill seargent at the track, I am the drill seargent at the gym...we are a good team...I just outweigh her by 100lbs!
As you can see in this pic...she is the nun...I am the dirty german girl!
But boy do my hips hurt! That is my only complaint thus far-aside from the boob jiggle that the boys at the track enjoy watching and I cringe at...every bounce is a millimeter towards my bellybutton in my eyes...Im going to be walking on them before long...hope I win the sports bra on ebay I am bidding on!
Beth and I "ran" the 5k. I say "ran" because we walked more than we "ran." But we finished in the middle of the pack, so I wasn't too upset. Plus, we had done absolutely no training, so the fact that we finished in 42.01 didn't phase me much.
Well, the running bug got us and now we are signed up for one almost every weekend for the next three months. I have been talking with running friends from college...you know, the one's who do the Boston marathon...and have been getting tips on training and learning how to not kill ourselves, and our shins (otherwise known as the anterior tibialis muscle.) My little brother, Joe, set a goal for us to run one in 25 min by October...we shall see if this happens.
So for the past week, I have been going up to the local high school track to "run." I will let you know when it turns from a "run" to a RUN. Right now I am doing more splits than anything. Walk 100, sprint 100 with the goal to increase my lung capacity and recovery time/breath control. I sound like a damn freight train/tornado/vaccuum/dying person when I "run" currently. I would settle for the tornado sound. I have found that my times at night are getting better just from day to day, but am getting nervous about my next actual 5k...which is on Kelley's Island-which I am pumped about!
I will be excited when I can run the entire distance instead of having to take breaks. My hip fat already feels smaller, my calves are tighter, my quads are more taunt...it is amazing how quickly you see a difference in your body from running. Even my workouts at the gym have gotten better. I see more muscle definition in the mirror when I am lifting, and this gives me even more confidence in myself...not that I need that!
Beth is my drill seargent at the track, I am the drill seargent at the gym...we are a good team...I just outweigh her by 100lbs!
As you can see in this pic...she is the nun...I am the dirty german girl!
But boy do my hips hurt! That is my only complaint thus far-aside from the boob jiggle that the boys at the track enjoy watching and I cringe at...every bounce is a millimeter towards my bellybutton in my eyes...Im going to be walking on them before long...hope I win the sports bra on ebay I am bidding on!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Eff you Barbie, part 4
In an effort to change how women view themselves, a compliment to myself and a compliment to a friend...
I am silly. I don't take myself too seriously. I am serious when I need to be, but I can also let loose. I can laugh at myself. I can make fun of myself and it isn't a coverup of something I am not comfortable with...it is truly that I am ok with myself enough to laugh at myself. I have curves...I understand that not everyone likes curves...I like my curves and make jokes when my curves aren't always a good thing...like when I am trying to fit my size 14 curves into a size 6 bridesmaids dress so my friend can pretend to understand what the dress will look like on a person...it's fun walking with your underweared ass hanging out of a horrid dress in a shop full of people. Im ok with it. I'll put on a show. Im not afraid to be the first person on a dance floor,and Im ok with dancing solo to dancing queen at the club. Im the crazy girl in the group that will go dance with the bachelor of the bechelor party and I don't know him (as the individual below found out.) I usually hump their legs like a dog in heat...it goes over well and always gets a laugh. Im all about it! Im the person in the car next to you jamming out to music, dancing, singing, playing the steering wheel like a set of drums. I will only sing and dance more if I see you watching. It will always make your day brighter.
I am silly. I don't take myself too seriously. I am serious when I need to be, but I can also let loose. I can laugh at myself. I can make fun of myself and it isn't a coverup of something I am not comfortable with...it is truly that I am ok with myself enough to laugh at myself. I have curves...I understand that not everyone likes curves...I like my curves and make jokes when my curves aren't always a good thing...like when I am trying to fit my size 14 curves into a size 6 bridesmaids dress so my friend can pretend to understand what the dress will look like on a person...it's fun walking with your underweared ass hanging out of a horrid dress in a shop full of people. Im ok with it. I'll put on a show. Im not afraid to be the first person on a dance floor,and Im ok with dancing solo to dancing queen at the club. Im the crazy girl in the group that will go dance with the bachelor of the bechelor party and I don't know him (as the individual below found out.) I usually hump their legs like a dog in heat...it goes over well and always gets a laugh. Im all about it! Im the person in the car next to you jamming out to music, dancing, singing, playing the steering wheel like a set of drums. I will only sing and dance more if I see you watching. It will always make your day brighter.
Lizzi, over at Life According to Lizzi, is by far one of the most insightful people I have met in this little blogosphere. She can convey more feelings with one simple sentance than most people can with a book...I am a prime example of this. She is an extremely talented writer, photographer, and decorator. I always get excited when I see that she has posted something new. Her "It is Friday and this is what I am thinking..." posts are great. She has recently started dislplaying her more creative writings on her blog and they are a wonderful. She is truly a talented writer and I hope she continues to write for a very long time. She is the type of person that makes you feel more cultured just for knowing her. She has experienced quite a bit in her, so far, short life...I am sure she will do astounding things with the rest of her life. Watch for great things to be tied with her name!
Hope all my beautiful women friends have a great day...hope the sun is shining, if not in the sky, in your heart!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Hope lost...
So, turns out that Trent has stopped taking orders for the VIP treatment at his shows because they had soooo many people do it they couldn't accommodate all the requests! This is now only available for the overseas tours. Yeah, that's not going to happen. I wouldn't be able to get my passport in time if Kevin could, by some miracle of God, get me a plane ticket, hotel accomodations, AND still afford the VIP package. Im bummed, but I keep telling myself, I have seen them 5 times...most people don't get that. Be thankful for what you have gotten to do. Now I just have to convince Kevin to buy me a $100 CD that I already own, but this time Trent has signed...Hey! It's for charity! Tax write offs are good!
Kevin did think of me and my loss and brought me home a hydrengea for our landscaping...it is so beautiful! It is the type of flower I carried in my bridal bouquet...one of my favorites!
Monday, June 1, 2009
And there is hope...
Kevin is looking into buying me a ticket, plus the tit's McGee package, to one of the shows in either Pittsburgh or Charlotte to see Nine Inch Nails. Both shows are next week. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me! I'm praying to Sweet Baby Jesus more than I did when I was diagnosed with cancer.
Just out of Reach...
So I heard on the radio on Friday that Trent from Nine Inch Nails is doing a fundraiser for a 27 year old guy that needs a heart transplant. For $1200.00 you get to watch the sound check, do a meet and greet to get autographs, have dinner with the band, and then watch the show from the side of the stage. That is Tits McGee right there! I want to do it so bad. Only problem...the closest they were coming to Ohio was Detroit, and the show was last night. Bummer. THEN I mention it to Kevin and he's all like, if I had known about it a month in advance, I would have made it happen for you. I started crying instantly, not only because it was so cute for him to say that, but because it was probably the one chance I had at meeting one of the most influential people to my life. That just sucks. I am searching for dates and locations that I could make work now...Im frantic.
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